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Half-Life 2
Posted on Thursday, November 18 @ 20:50:16 EST by Suislide
FPS reviewsThe sequel to the best game ever made AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT KICKS MY ASS OUT OF MY THROAT AND CHOKES ME WITH IT. THIS GAME FUCKING ROCKS MY TESTICLES IN A KNOT.

Graphics: Man these graphics fucking rock, to me, this is the best looking game i have seen, and if you dont agree with me... obviously you choke on a big fat cock. Lets start with the sexy ass models. All of them are INCREDIBLE LOOKING, dr kliner, barney, the black dude , and everyones favorite, the hot black chick gordon will shove his HEV ehnaced dick up. I could totally wack and blow my load on the screen thinking its reals. SHE WOULD BE LIKE OH STEVE I LOVE IT. All the animations ON EVERYTHING, models, objects moving from physics, the water EVERYTHING is smooth as hell. Its smoother than my ass after taking a belt sander to it. The textures and everything also kick great ass my friend, GREAT TREMOUNDOUS ASS. They are so high res and incredible looking my god, espically the rocks looked really kick ass. The weapon models fucking rock too, the shotgun looks like im ready to blow someones ass away. The water refractions OMG *blows load*, they are the best looking i have ever seen. Everything is just plain incredible looking, not to mention pixel shaders all over to make it look even better.


Sound: The sound is also fucking incredible. The most noteable to me is the weapon sounds arent fucking pussy. THANK GOD, A GUN ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE A BLOWING A LARGE CALIBER HOLE THROUGH SOMEONES TWAT. God the weapon sounds kick ass. The voice acting is fucking incredible, it sounds like they aren't saying pre-scripted bullshit, it sounds like they actually talking to you. When barney said "Now about that beer i owed you" THATS A FUCK YEAH MOMENT. Some of the sounds from the old game where used for the barncle and thats about it... WHO CARES why fuck with perfection... dont fix what isnt broke *cough* Deus Ex 2 *cough hunk of shit*. Man the sound in the game is just plain amazing.


Gameplay: This is the most incredible, funnest gameplay ever created. As soon as barney throws you your crowbar, you know.. its time to beat some ass. The weapons all kick ass, i cant find a single non useful weapon in this game at all. The gravity gun is the greatest thing ever. You can throw almost ANYTHING at guys. Planks of wood, explosives barrels, sharpel from the explosive barrel, cinder blocks, desks, saw blades, paint ANYTHING and its so fucking cool. Cut zombies in half and smash bodies by shooting an engine at them ITS AWESOME. Also dont forget Gordon's incredible crowbar skills. He can fucking throw that thing like Xena Warrio Princess and have it bounce off walls, smash a guy in the face, then catch it with HIS ASS. WHO ELSE CAN DO THAT?... NO ONE. You know have the HEV Mach 5 suit instead of the mach4 so that means you will kick more ass. All the firefights, all the puzzles are just all so cool. The vehicles also kick ass, once you get ATLEAST to the fanboat part you will be like THIS GAME FUCKING KICKS ASS. Flying up ramps and shooting the shit out of helicopters while blowing throw abunch of planks of woods. The physics in this game have never been used like this before. Oh sure Max Payne 2 had physics but they were almost useless in that game. This game i fucking fly up a ramp with a dune buggy POP 2 GUYS WITH THE KICK ASS MAGNUM LAND DO A ROLL GET OUT AND SHOOT TWO MORE AND THEN SHOOT MYSELF. The AI in this game is also the best AI you will ever see, the enemies for once arent stupid. When i was in ravenholem some monsters were coming twoards me and i though Heh, ill just shut the door. Well they fucking hit the door then they jump on the ceiling. MEANWHILE, me going to open the door to blow them away. They bust through the glass ceiling and attacked my ass from behind. Also the combine soldiers couldnt attack me from this one place.. so they fucking walked around to this other platform and shot me. ITS INCREDIBLE. The firefights in this game are just all so awesome, you have to play it just to see it for yourself. The gameplay is just plain amazing.


Story: The G-man wakes you up and then you meet up with barney who takes you to Kleiner and you try a portal experiment which fucks up because of his head crab, then you unleasher into city 17. You then travel from place to place for various. So far i do not really know much of the story because the gaps arent filled in but IM SURE Gabes chunkiness will fill us and and explain everything. This game kicks ass in almost every aspect

Gabe + Computer + Buckets of Chicken wings = Best Game ever 11/10 half life 2

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Half-Life 2

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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 1)
by Disco (go@fu.cky.our.se.lf.n.et) on Friday, November 19 @ 09:23:14 EST
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Couldn't agree more. The fuckin game owns all by lightyears. Doom 3 is like playing yars revenge on atari compared to this.

First time i fired it up couldn't beleive how good it ran and how real everything interacts. I had to stop playin the first nite cuz sensory overloads. I got blow jobs that weren't as good as this game.

I then went in as an experiment to crank up the settings. I just kept cranking them up and the engine didn't complain. Still ran fluid as fuck on my 9800pro!!


[ Reply to This ]


Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 1)
by M0nKeY on Saturday, November 20 @ 02:58:07 EST
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I've heard about a lot of people actually getting nauseous playing this game....

Thats how you know its the shit.

I'm working on Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines after beating HL2. It also kicks ass. This engine is going to facilitate a whole lot of great titles in the future.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, November 20 @ 13:06:12 EST
yeah this game fucking owns the crap out of any game out. it owns so much it rejects blowjobs from halo2 and SA.


[ Reply to This ]


Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 1)
by P0leC4t on Saturday, November 20 @ 13:47:44 EST
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ITS SO PWNS! I meen look at Alyx and imagine the pr0n games you can now make! o.O OMFG!


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, November 20 @ 14:05:32 EST
such a fanboy review.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, November 20 @ 19:45:03 EST
THE GAME IS AWESOME BUT STEAM SUCKS MAJOR MONKEY VAGINA.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, November 20 @ 21:42:15 EST
Shittiest review I've ever read. Don't advertise for your shitty templated site at PHL, please.

And don't come up with a million anonymous messages defending yourself.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, November 20 @ 23:27:58 EST
LemonTea approves of this review.


[ Reply to This ]


Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 1)
by SeiGe_Jet on Saturday, November 20 @ 23:34:31 EST
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Hands down, this game is better than your mom.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Sunday, November 21 @ 03:28:54 EST
You've got quite an imagination, my friend!

Anyhow I was self-admittedly more indulged to buy this game than ever after reading that the sheer game play gave you a visectomy.
ex-
("an operation where a males spermary organs are denied access to force their load into a female of choice, of course")ex- Your favorite M.I.L.F. :)

In retrospect I applaud your slang review, and I even lowered my language skills to match wits with you, aint that the truth! You and i are much alike.

None of my friends understand the beauty of physics, they say yeah so what you shot the fucker and his raggidy ass corpse plummted three stories to the pavement. Then they forget that the engine aptly placed a nice splatter where the corpse landed. I tell them, "Jesus kids were'nt finger painting down their, thats the blood effects of a well made engine!" Anyhow I too will soon be revelling in half-life 2 heaven!

WORD!!!


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Monday, November 22 @ 05:08:36 EST
while i was out spending quality time with your dad, i thought to myself "oh shit i could be at home playing half life 2." so i fucked your dad real hard in the ass, blew his head off then went home and played hl2 aaahhhh yea.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Monday, November 22 @ 10:53:28 EST
oh...don't forget about her purple underwear!!


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, November 23 @ 06:25:24 EST
you all suck cock...

this game blows ass...totally linear, no freedom and sucky ai..

your review was almost unreadable cos your head was so far up Gabe Newalls ass when you wrote it..

so get a life you set of ass rapers and learn what a real game should be...

vampire bloodlines is so much better than this pile of (steam)ing shit....

fuck you all


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, November 23 @ 11:18:39 EST
That's what HL2 has that Doom3 lacks: QUALITY PROGRAMMING.


HL2, like Painkiller, has great graphics - easily a match for those in Doom3 - AND a well designed graphics engine that allows it to show its true colours even on mainstream configs - WAY 2 GO VALVE! U GUYS ROCK!! KEEP IT UP!!!


Doom3, on the other hand, has equally great graphics BUT the code has not been optimized (that's an understatement) - resulting in a poor quality graphics engine despite the good visuals, which means you need a ridiculously high-end config, eg. one from say 5 years in the future, to be able to enjoy the game in all its splendour. ID Software, what a bunch of nOObs...


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, November 23 @ 22:55:20 EST
how do you throw the crowbar? are we playing the same HL2 lol???


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Wednesday, November 24 @ 05:02:13 EST
so restrictive...no one can deny this...

all the clever ai is scripted, just like doom 3 was, you walk to a certain point and this happens...kill them then when you get to the next marker something else happens...

no dynamic ai (which was promised)

complete bullshit


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Wednesday, November 24 @ 08:10:08 EST
HL2 RULES!!! THE GAME JUST MAKES ALL THE OTHERS LOOK LIKE FUKIN INVADERS OR SOMETHING!!!
and what rules about it even more is that: it runs so fukin smooth! most of the recent games i can't put them all on full max settings or it'll stutter and won't be smooth and the game'll end up like shit. i've got an ati raedon 9600 pro.
so i thought "oh man this game will be too good for my graphics card". BUT NO! I'VE GOT THE GAME RUNNING AT 1280X1024 WITH ALL SETTINGS AT MAX, AND THE GAME IS STILL FUKIN SWEET!!!!!

this game truly justifies all the time it took being made, unlike some games like Halo2 and shit.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Wednesday, November 24 @ 14:53:50 EST
HL2 does supoprt dynamic AI just not much in the game itself...


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Wednesday, November 24 @ 15:57:51 EST
ok just finished it...

totally dissappointed...

only thing im doing now is using the uber blue grav gun and throwing cars..

did not live up to expectations, shitty squad AI, no dynamic ai (as ive mentioned previously)

plus side, nice graphix, sweet shotgun and grav gun..

all in all totally dissappointing...worst part is some levels you cant actually finish unless you stand in a certain part of the map to "trigger" an event, which was supposed to be dynamic....and some of the triggers arent in the most obvious places..

and the ending sucks...


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YOU'RE FAMOUS! (Score: 1)
by lars on Wednesday, November 24 @ 23:24:32 EST
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Half-Life 2 Review @ Video Games Suck Comments
11/20/2004 7:08 PST | Half-Life 2 | by Briggsy
Videogamessuck.com has a very unusual and interesting and funny review of halflife 2. Im sure it’s just saying what you are all thinking.

Gameplay: This is the most incredible, funniest gameplay ever created. As soon as barney throws you your crowbar, you know.. its time to beat some ass. The weapons all kick ass, i cant find a single non useful weapon in this game at all. The gravity gun is the greatest thing ever. You can throw almost ANYTHING at guys. Planks of wood, explosives barrels, shrapnel from the explosive barrel, cinder blocks, desks, saw blades, paint ANYTHING and its so ****ing cool. Cut zombies in half and smash bodies by shooting an engine at them ITS AWESOME. Also don’t forget Gordon's incredible crowbar skills. He can ****ing throw that thing like Xena Warrior Princess and have it bounce off walls, smash a guy in the face, then catch it with HIS ASS. WHO ELSE CAN DO THAT?... NO ONE...

Head on over and check out the full article here.

http://www.planethalflife.com/news/archive.asp


Good job Suislide. :D
When can we expect a Greatest Hits-book?


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 1)
by M0nKeY on Thursday, November 25 @ 04:44:24 EST
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People should know That all the comments I quote below are 1 guy.

------------------------------
by Anonymous on Tuesday, November 23 @ 06:25:24 EST
(IP: 83.100.162.57)

you all suck cock...
--------------------
by Anonymous on Wednesday, November 24 @ 05:02:13 EST
(IP: 83.100.162.57)

so restrictive...no one can deny this...
---------------------------
by Anonymous on Wednesday, November 24 @ 15:57:51 EST
(IP: 83.100.162.57)

ok just finished it...

totally dissappointed...
-------------------------

hahah what a looser. Then later on he says the majority of poeple disagree with suislide.... no its just him posting over and over again.


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Halo2 is BETTER!!!! (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Monday, November 29 @ 01:46:27 EST

Damn. I found this game to be very dissapointing. Halo2 for my XBOX is a lot more exciting and the graphics and sound are just as good.

Anyone wishing to disagree should first play Halo2 before judging. HL2 is ok, but not in the same league as Halo2.

All this 'soap opera' drama from Valve for nothing. Bungie kick ass.

Tony


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, December 28 @ 15:52:19 EST
HAHA funniest and greatest review ever


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Thursday, December 30 @ 11:35:25 EST
This review was funny as hell. If that was the way it was intended then I salute you, Suislide.

Let's face it, it's not the perfect game, but this is the perfect pastiche of the "fanboy" review, surely?

I mean, check the paragraph on the story. Gabe's chunkyness! LOL

Neil


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Sunday, January 02 @ 06:07:54 EST
The graphics, the levels, the physics are great but come on the characters are like in little kids TV shows, everyone is cheering Gordon and telling him what a hero he is where ever he goes. Didnt you hate your thugs for their constant "sorry Gordon" when they stood in the door you needed to run through real quick?

And what is so hot about Alyx and the other negroe? I hate those figures that are just induced to match targeted customer desires.

HL2 is great but I still prefer HL1.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, February 15 @ 07:10:57 EST
You fuckin pussies! You too suislide!! WTF this game fuckin suxx ass!! It's not that fuckin good!! Shit! WTF! How the fuck do u call your site "video games suck" when u give fuckin 11 stars (out of 10 wtf!!) to this doush bag shit! Cmon, this is all a fuckin marketing trick u fucking dumbass! This game is mediocre! Fuckin biatch! Try wacking your cock before writing the fucking review, maybe u'll get some blood in your brain!


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Thursday, June 02 @ 08:38:09 EDT
I not agree with the gameplay. At the first part I ould have liked to walk aroun city streets, but all I got were the sewers.

It was wery frustrating. I couldn't walk on the beach coz of these bugs aroising from the ground.

Graphics is cool, and the astern European things are very nice (I'm from Hungary, and the buildings really are similar somewhere (I mean the block of flats that you can see on the horizons)) It's like Ukrain or Romania

Man sometimes I felt that it's like the civil war that was in Bosnia Herczegovina...

BUT THE MOST FUCKED UP THING....

What is it all about??????????????????????????
WHO the FUCK is G-man, and by the way... What is city 17? Where is it? Why are the aliens from HL1 friends? Wgat is that tower in the middle of the city? Where goes that old man with the teleport???
So the places are ok, but where is the story?


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 1)
by rrremus2005 on Monday, January 02 @ 10:17:45 EST
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is a good game but not that fucking good one thing crappy ending very shitty


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 1)
by Starkweather on Thursday, March 08 @ 16:56:41 EST
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Dear god, how could you give that shit an 11? Pull Newell's viagra-charged cock out of your ass for two seconds here, Suislide.
I'll give the game its dues, the graphics are (or were) pretty sleek, and the gameplay wasn't terrible, but holy batfuck, the story. The fucking story. How ANYONE could enjoy HL2's "story" is beyond me. Imagine Uwe Boll eating a line of Mexican immigrant's asses out and then puking up the contents of said asses on a piece of paper. That's about the equivalent of quality that were talking about here.

The character development sucks balls as well. You're asked to help a bunch of faggots to whom you have all the emotional attachment to of a dead hooker. And even more insulting, you don't get a piece of Alyx's sweet mudblood ass when you finally beat the game. Those cunts.

And the ending just left that shit hanging there, simply because they wanted to fuck more money out of us by creating shitty "expansions" that add shit that should have already been there in the first fucking place, to which you have to pay fucking $20, HALF the price of a retail game, to play.

GMAN : "Here, go do a bunch of seemingly non-related shit for no fucking reason!"

GMAN : "Hey thanks! You just killed thousands of people, risked your life countless times, resisted the temptation to bang Alyx in her sweet virgin ass, but, unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to tell you the MOTHERFUCKING REASON WHY YOU DID ALL THIS SHIT. SO FUCK YOU, I'M OUTTA HERE."

Well fuck my ass. I'm glad that good ol' warez scene is alive and kicking, because Valve is officially on my list of companies of whom I will never pay another fucking cent too.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Thursday, July 19 @ 06:24:58 EDT
Half life 2 is the best game ever made. Mainly because of its perfect designs, gameplay and the source engine. Fun gameplay and the mod community. Everything is made awesome. And for 2004 the game was a breaktrough in gameplay. back in 2004 no other game had smooth physics and ragdolls.The graphics are amazing. Everything looks realistic and acceptable with that i mean it doesnt annoy you at any moment. About the story. Yes, the story is linear but the gameplay and story is super fun.So that doesn't really matter.And dont forget about Gmod and all the other great mods for Half life 2. I played many games and no other game comes close to Half life 2. Its truely the best game ever made. I cant wait to see what half life 3.


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 1)
by fuck_you_cristo (I_fuck_your_kids) on Wednesday, April 10 @ 07:27:28 EDT
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BEST
FUCKING
REVIEW
EVER


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Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Sunday, December 29 @ 09:59:39 EST
Fucking Half-Life haters all over. What, do you really believe your console shit is better than this game? You all deserve to die.


[ Reply to This ]


Re: Half-Life 2 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, June 18 @ 14:12:36 EDT
guys this is a shit game fuck u and fuck ur fuck

Fuckng pussy. I wish I could punch your face through my screen


[ Reply to This ]

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