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Assassin's Creed 3
Posted on Tuesday, November 27 @ 22:00:57 EST by Suislide
Action Game ReviewsHOLY ASS FUCKS, I'M SO BORED. This has to be the most boring fucking game I have ever played and GOD DAMN am I trying. I drank a cup of fully caffeinated coffe and sat down to make it at least an hour into this fucking bore-fest...but alas, I couldn't fucking make it. Ubisoft releases the same fucking game again and follows the same formula they have done already. You know what would have made this game better? If they didn't release four fucking games between this one and gave the series some fucking breathing room. Instead they killed it by ruining everything interesting about it. Read on to learn how Ubisoft ruined their only fucking decent series that they have had in a long time.

I mean, I'm so fucking bored from playing this game that I almost can't even write this review. They should rename the game Boring Creed because they literally made the least challenging, most formulaic game since Call of Shitty. So you start the game, adjust your graphical settings and AWAY YOU GO into the world of Assassin's Bore. So you start off as some smarmy British guy and basically it goes through the entire process of reteaching you the game, because you know, there definitely isn't four previous fucking games before this one. So you kill some guy in a theater and then head to america and hang around on a boat doing fuck all but climbing stupid bullshit. Eventually, you make it to Boston and the city is the lamest fucking pile of garbage that they have ever designed.

Everything is just square boxes, but everything is so split apart that the quick running and jumping in the previous game now seems like its gone. So you start off doing some quests which basically just teach you how to play the game. They ruined the fucking combat in this game completely. The combat was at least a little bit difficult in the previous games but now it is just LEFT CLICK TO WIN, so you just cut people apart and that is it. You also counter by pressing E when it flashes above someone. Basically they tried to pull a fucking Batman Arkham City but failed completely due to the lack of variety and the ease. Now you can kill groups of like 40 people without even getting touched once. You are an invincible mass murderer which has absolutely no challenge facing him at all. Plus you can shoot huge amounts of people without them even running after you. They just fucking stand their idle until you shoot them. I found that the weapons suck dick and you are better just running up to someone and sticking them with the knife no matter where they are.

So ok, they completely ruined the combat within the first hour of the game, but then you chase this Indian chick out into the woods. THESE ARE THE WORST FUCKING AREAS in the game. You just ruin around in the fucking snow and jump around on branches, it is the most boring fucking thing I have ever played. What happened to the huge detailed cities? Why would you replace them with an empty fucking forest with no one in it? So, after a few missions all the sudden the BIG GAME TWIST happens and you find the Smarmy Brit guy that you were playing as is actually a fucking Templar! OH MAI GAWDS, WHAT A TWIST. MY MIND IS BLOWN. I was so shocked by this fucking change of events that I got in my car and ran over the first bitch I saw. So you start playing as Connor now who is some Indian guy with NO FUCKING PERSONALITY AT ALL. He is the single most bland character that I have ever played in a video game, and the sheer fact of this gave me hepatitis C. He has the most boring, flat mono-tone voice ever and is just all around uninteresting and has no story arc. Ezio started out as a young playboy who gets put in a shitty situation and then rises the rank of an Assassin and moves on beyond his revenge. None of the charisma of Ezio is present. Ubisoft kills another franchise by making this boring piece of shit.

So after you get used to the absolutely atrocious combat, the boring character you play, and the boring ass fucking story. Seriously, nothing happens at all in this game...I don't even know why I am playing this. They followed the same damn formula that they did before and introduced NOTHING new to the point where this game just feels like a tedious rehash. Someone told me that the ending is AWFUL and I would like someone to spoil the shitty ending in the comments. The only positive aspect of this game are the graphics which look alright in certain aspects, like the fact that running through the snow actually leaves impacts when you run through and slows you down. But some cool technical features are not enough to save this game which has you doing the same boring missions over and over again that we have already seen before in AC2, AC2: Brotherhood and AC2: Revelations. All of those games were released in the last 2 years. Do not play this turd, it is mediocre across the board and now panders to casual idiots.

5/10

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Re: Assassin's Creed 3 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Wednesday, November 28 @ 07:26:35 EST
"I was so shocked by this fucking change of events that I got in my car and ran over the first bitch I saw"

your best reviews always come on ubisoft titles:D
Keep it up.


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Re: Assassin's Creed 3 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Wednesday, November 28 @ 11:47:07 EST
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Desmond needs a "key" to open up the temple's security laser-wall (which is basically Juno's prison, because apparently she was evil and her people locked her up).
The key is that little round medallion that Haytham took from the guy he killed at the theater. After 30 or so years, Connor manages to kill all the templars, including his father, he gets a hold of the key and buries it in his back yard. After this, Desmond travels to that place and digs up the medallion.
He opens up the security wall and Juno appears telling him she can save the world from 21/12/2012, but at a price: Desmond will die in the process.
Minerva comes and says that he can choose to let the world get destroyed, he would also survive, the price is that the surviving humans will go back to the Dark Ages and Desmond will be the new Jesus.
They don't even allow you to choose, Desmond makes his decision by touching the crystal ball that was supposed to unlock Juno and basically sacrifices himself.
Juno materializes and says something like "You played your part well Desmond, now it's time to play mine..."
Then a cinematic plays, showing the Earth, in which you hear a news report about the strange phenomenons happening (satellites failing, power blackouts, strange weather everywhere etc).
Credits roll.
You go back to playing Connor again and you hear a voice, apparently of some Abstergo guy, they somehow managed to crack Desmond's DNA/memories so that anybody can access them. This is the excuse for letting you continue to play as Connor and probably a setup for the next game.

TL;DR Desmond dies.


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Re: Assassin's Creed 3 (Score: 1)
by craterface on Wednesday, November 28 @ 11:57:46 EST
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I always said that this whole series is bullshit. Not just because the fact that there is literally no chance that any should be good if they release another whole new episode within 6 months (expansion packs needed more time in the past), but the fact that it completely misses the whole assassin-concept.
You play a mass murderer in this game jumping in crowds of people and fight 7565839 against 1 on an open field while wearing a WHITE suite.
This game tends more to the hack & slash genre.

Also recently all the bad reviews get 5 or more points why is that? judging from all that is written here, I expected something like 1/10 or maybe 3/10 at max.


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Re: Assassin's Creed 3 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, November 30 @ 18:08:28 EST
Needs more expletives....


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Re: Assassin's Creed 3 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Thursday, December 06 @ 23:43:21 EST
If it's so fucking shit give it a fucking 1/10 or a 0/10 then, you fucking cock-sucking pussy. Why the fuck would you get it a 5? Kill yourself faggot.


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Re: Assassin's Creed 3 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, December 11 @ 07:15:56 EST
I cant get going on this piece of boring crap think 5 is generous,

least with Dues Ex human evolution took me a while to get into it, but this seriously is bad game play.


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Re: Assassin's Creed 3 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Sunday, December 23 @ 23:50:32 EST
Im not really sure how you managed to get to Connor in less than an hour, but good review, did you try the MP?


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Re: Assassin's Creed 3 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Wednesday, December 26 @ 01:33:30 EST
Hey guess what u have two choices u can be a god or save the world, oh hey btw we made the choice for u so we can keep making shitty ass games that should have ended 3 years ago.


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Re: Assassin's Creed 3 (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, January 04 @ 14:50:07 EST
Why did you spoil it for the rest of us?


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Glad I'm not alone. (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, February 18 @ 12:39:18 EST
By the 5th or 6th sequence I remembered this shitty game getting favorable reviews and had to double check for my sanity. After looking through a few sites I was shocked that most people had given it 8.5s and even a few 9s (9 point fucking 5 Game Informer!!!? You're better than that!). I nearly smashed my ps3 into little bits in fear of succumbing to whatever disease that's clearly impairing the gaming community's reasoning skills....

Unfortunately being a neurotic gamer I just HAD to keep playing so I went back to it hoping it'd get better somehow. Last night I ran out ways to avoid doing the store missions so now I'm on sequence 9 and still hate it. This time I tried changing my search to "Why Assassin's Creed 3 fucking sucks" and am pleased that the entire world hasn't turned into a bunch of idiots. I suppose I'll risk keeping my ps3 for now, but the moment I start to appreciate "well placed" QTEs or how pretty a cutscence is out comes the hammer.

Anyway... I digress, sorry.

Yeah, fuck this game. Fuck the group of ethnically and religiously diverse people who made it. Fuck me for being too obsessive compulsive to just stop playing such a shitty game. Fuck early American history for being WAAAAAAYYYY less interesting than Italy during the renaissance and fuck Conner whatever-the-fuck-jumble-of-syllables-and-accents:ka for sucking so much more than Ezio. There's more but those cover the sentiment well enough.

All I want to add is that when you have the lantern in the underground the game only uses only one context sensitive button for lighting torches, dropping the lantern and interacting with objects while leaving like a billion other buttons unmapped. I think that's just evidence that Ubisoft hates us all.


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