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Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light
Posted on Wednesday, November 10 @ 16:18:20 EST by Suislide
Action Game ReviewsThe first major problem with this game is that it is not a sex simulator. Seriously, when are we going to get a high budget sex simulator involving Lara Croft. I'm WAITING. Anyways, this isn't considered a Tomb Raider game and it should be because it is totally fucking different. Instead of the 3rd Person Action/Adventure games that they released 5 billion of, this is instead a top/down action adventure game with much less features and story than all the other Tomb Raider games. Of course, the price tag is much cheaper on this game only being 20 dollars reflects. Anyways, this game is crapola.

The first major aspect that you will notice about this game is that it is a top down game with an isometric viewpoint rather than an over the shoulder camera. This game basically plays in the same way as Tomb Raider, except just from a different view point. You jump around shit, solve various puzzles, shoot shit in your way, and then stare at her titties for 8 minutes while you have a quickie in the middle of the game. So anyways, the game has pretty much the same mechanics, and infact, less so. You basically run and jump anywhere, can push a few objects, grapple at a few select points, and occasionally flip some buttons with your weapons. That about pretty much sums up the combination of moves within this game.

The first problem with this game is that it is fucking easy as hell. You start out with dual pistols and a spear that can jump on, it pretty much destroys. You gather more powerful weapons as the game goes on and eventually they are all so fucking powerful that it doesn't even matter which one you use. Granted there are a shit ton of weapons from miniguns, assault rifles, shotguns and different types of each but they are pretty much feel exactly the same. The combat is extremely easy but the game tries to add in artifacts as well which gives you either boosts to your weapon power, speed, or bomb as well. Every level pretty much consists of the same thing from solving a few puzzles and shooting a few enemies in between to gather points. That is all you fucking do and it is all really easy.

So the game starts out showing you the ropes and eventually it just sets you on your own to solve puzzles. The puzzles are all extremely simple and just require you either to time your jumps, or move an object from point A to point. There is a level where you have to get 6 boulders into these fire holes to open a door. However, they fucking rehash this same concept five seconds later and present the same level (slightly different) to you again but this time it is a bit harder. Anyone who has half a brain will be able to figure out these puzzles and will fall asleep half the time. The combat isn't very interesting either.

The voice acting and story are extremely sparse. There is some statue that comes awake to take over the world and you basically have to stop it. This game does have coop, which just makes the game even more easy and more boring, which you can play as the partner who sounds exactly like Minsc from Baldurs Gate. Nothing in this game is very interesting, you can get a few hours of fun out of it, but fuck, it only takes 4 hours to beat. I've had longer masturbation sessions that the length of this. The boss fights in this game are also a fucking joke. They range from a Big T-Rex, to the main boss, to other random shit that you don't even care about.

This game isn't Tomb Raider but a shitty ripoff with less content and simplified gameplay which is incredibly boring. Oh yeah, and checkpoint saves. 6/10

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Re: Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light (Score: 1)
by Ape_Shall_Never_Kill_Ape (i_raped_your_grandma_in_her_coffin@msn.com) on Wednesday, November 10 @ 16:51:49 EST
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Are her titties big in this one?


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Re: Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light (Score: 1)
by craterface on Thursday, November 11 @ 16:24:33 EST
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Soul Reaver was the best 3rd person jumping puzzling fighting game in my book. Consolized game it was but still awesome and lenghy.


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Re: Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light (Score: 1)
by fhouse on Friday, November 12 @ 08:45:01 EST
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Hey man I thought it's going to be my review but I guess you beat me to it.

4 hours? I don't think so. I hate people who always rant about how short a game was while they just rushed trough it in one afternoon without getting any extra content. I'm sure it takes longer for anyone.


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Re: Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light (Score: 1)
by Shn on Tuesday, December 07 @ 15:29:16 EST
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Holy shit, this site is still alive and you're still writing articles... :o
I'm impressed ! *claps*

Yeah, I'm off topic, I know.


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