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Avatar : The Game
Posted on Tuesday, January 19 @ 19:51:16 EST by Suislide
Action Game Reviewsbrilliant writes "Man, after going to the movie, I was like holy fuck, that's some good motherfucking movie. Seeing the graphics made me cum in my pants and all the time watching that flick I was like MAN THAT'S VIDEO GAME MATERIAL.

Excepting the fact that it copied World of Warcraft like a bitch, it is.

Apparently, James Cameron, after getting fuck-ass rich, discussed the idea of releasing a video game after the movie. A prequel, where people would get introduced to the planet Pandora and another story. He had the right idea. He even thought that players should be able to choose between the alien (cough, dark elf, cough) natives and the humans, and make a game that could provide a double experience. Yep, but who did Mr. Cameron choose to make the game?

The shittiest video game producers in fucking history. Remember, after painting a masterpiece like the Sands of Time trilogy, who destroyed the Prince of Persia series with the latest cartoony piece of shit?

That's right, folks, Ubisoft. Ubi-fucking-soft were chosen to produce the game. The same reason for which thousands of gamers smash their keyboards in their grandmother's heads with frustration every day got on and made Avatar : The Game

And so begins the hardest review for me to write, a review about a game that makes me mad even remembering about it. Let's start with the only thing good about this game, the little orb of light in the shitstorm of darkness that Avatar : The Game is.

Graphics [910]: The graphics in this game are good. That means they are not fucking bad, but that doesn't fucking mean they're excellent. Pandora is filled with green, many fucking kinds of strange plants, lights are not bad, the models don't look like pixelated pieces of shit, the game at first bewitches you with the luscious and colorful sights of the pandoran jungles and shit.

Sometimes you do quests during the night, and that is when it becomes a spectacular show of phosphorescent rainbow palette of colors and that artistic shit. No, seriously, night operations are beautiful to look at, everything glows, plants glow, animals glow, the aliens glow, revealing some previously invisible phosphorescent freckles, your pee glows, everything is fucking disco during the night.

Water looks like water, and overall the graphics are good. But since Half Life 2 we've been hit with a fuckload of beautiful-to-look-at games, and we've all learned that eye-candy doesn't make up for the rest of the shit that's missing.

Sounds [2/10]: Ok, so whichever fagots provided the voices in this game were probably picked up from the homeless shelter and payed five bucks a pop. Now seriously, I've never heard more bored voices in my whole fucking life. Voice-acting is excruciating to listen to, everyone's talking with the same monotonous voice like "let's get this shit over with". Even when confronted with mind-blowing plot-twists and change of events, the protagonist never shows much excitement or amazement and his WOW's sound like Droopy making a voice act for a fucking porn movie. I think even the voice actors realize on what piece of shit they are working on.

The alien natives speak like retards, with 3 syllable sentences, and sound like fucking Amerindians smoking too much peace pipe. Even when they get mad at you for being fucking alive they still sound like handicapped theater rejects. And imagine that for the movie some guy that fails at life actually invented an artificial language, and these motherfuckers shit on all his work.

Rest of the sounds are from mediocre to shit. Jungle don't have that jungle feeling, and overall it's as shitty as the rest of it.

Gameplay [-3/10] Gameplay is where the shit really hits the fucking fan. Here is where the real frustration fucking begins.

Ok, so basically after a short intro sequence you get to choose between the humans and the Na'vi, an sentient privimitve alien race that looks a fucking lot like the Dark Elves from Warcraft. The gameplay differs for each of the two races. In reality, this option is the difficulty option.

Choose the humans, and it's all fucking easy street, most of the game is go there destroy that shit, shoot that shit or collect that shit. The missions are the same for both the races, but the humans get it easier because of the fact that they can blast the fucking lot of everything in their path. Most of you retards should be able to manage this shit out pretty neatly, it ain't exactly rocket-science. Just shoot with those fucking big guns everything that moves.

Choose the Na'vi and you go down fucking hard mode. The game is so fucking unbalanced that if you're a cretin like me going alien you get fucked pretty often. The aliens are focused on meleé attacks, their core ranged weapon being a fucking bow. Sure, you can carry a machinegun and a crossbow but for those two the ammo is SHIT SCARCE. So the option is get close and personal with their asses and go Flintstone on their faces with a club or shoot them with the wimpy bow until you get killed. Oh, you will get killed by the human weapons very, very often playing the aliens.
You think the aliens compensate their shitty weapons with stealth? No, they don't. You have an unexplained camouflage skill that makes you invisible for like 5 fucking seconds, but it's a bitch to recharge and it doesn't help you in the long run. The best skill you can use while playing the aliens is fucking patience, which I sorely lack. An interesting fact about the bow is that it takes 2 arrows to kill a man and 4-5 to destroy a warship. Must be a fucking slick bow.

After passing the unbalanced choices this buggy piece of shit offers, you get hit by the awful controls that can't be modified, especially when riding a vehicle or mount. This is another aspect where the humans get it easy : most of the vehicles get mounted weapons so when someone fucking shoots you when you are driving you have a motherfucking way to shoot them back. You'd think the aliens would compensate that by shooting their bow or MG from the back of a horse of flying mount. WRONG BITCH. When you ride an animal you are fucking handicapped. Man, after seeing the battle scenes from the movie when the blue motherfuckers shot from the backs of their flying mounts I expected at least the same shit in the game. But Ubisoft thought that it would be cooler not to be able to do any-fucking-thing from the back of the animal but shit your pants and sprint. Tie that with the fact that landing your flier it's hard as shit because the fucking game doesn't always realize that YOU LANDED, and mounting the fucking beasts is hard as fuck because you have to be in a certain angle for it to work.

One example of how shitty this game is. I was an alien, just got my flying mount. My blue brothers went mental because some fucking warship attacked the village. Apparently the only way to destroy it was to land on it from above and hit it with the twin swords (lol wtf). I said ok, that's easy. Just get on my flying what-the-fuck-it's-name-is, and hop on to the ship. After braving the excruciating controls to get to land on top of the ship, I realise I can't because the game won't let me. After 5 minutes of dicking around I realized that I had to land the flier farther fucking away and go by foot to climb a fucking tower that was close to the warship and jump from it onto the warship and stick my primitive magic knives in it to destroy it. Of course it takes 3 shots to kill it, and you automatically jump off the ship after each one, only to make it more frustrating. Damn I hate this fucking game.

Storyline [0/10] Storyline provides little to no explanation and depth to the story. Avatars are not explained, probably because you need to go see the fucking movie to understand what's their purpose and the rest of the game is destroy that shit, collect that shit, go there and come back, fly around like an idiot, destroy some more shit, and fight some fucker at the end to reach the most anti-climatic end ever. Couple that with the crappy voice acting and you can realize how mesmerizing this story is.

Overall Grade [2/10]

Conclusion Better go watch the fucking movie with 3D glasses and forget about the game, save some fried up neurons that way. It only serves to piss you off.

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Re: Avatar : The Game (Score: 1)
by puk on Wednesday, January 20 @ 04:43:12 EST
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Dude I love you!!!

I've been saying Ubisoft ruined Prince of Persia since after sands of Time. The new one was just the last nail in the coffin

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Re: Avatar : The Game (Score: 1)
by craterface on Wednesday, January 20 @ 09:07:01 EST
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I'm gonna see the movie next week on imax. But not long ago somebody happened showed me this:
And it makes sense. James Cameron's dick should be bashed between with two bricks because of this. Now I'm only interested because it's 3D..

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