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Posted on Thursday, May 01 @ 15:28:54 EDT by Suislide
FPS reviewsWHO THE FUCK THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO REMAKE TUROK!? Ok first thing is first, the first turok game for the nintendo 64 SUCKED ASS. Why the hell would you remake a fucking turd? Well, they already did and get this, its fucking worse than the original game! You play the game as Joseph Turok, a native american who can somehow fuck a dinosaur up. I should put drano in my veins because this game is PUKE.

Graphics: Where to even fucking begin. Now, of course this game is a port, so you already know the graphics are fucking crap. When a game starts up for the PC and says press any key to begin, you already know you are playing a fucking turd game. Anyways, the first thing I must mention is the FOV in this game is AWFUL. IT was made for consoles, and even with widescreen the FOV isn't increased. Playing this piece of shit makes you feel like you have tunnel vision the entire time. Then there is the character models, which all fucking suck. Everyone looks like a giant ape in huganic armor. Basically they decided, HEY LETS FUCKING KNOCK OFF OF GEARS OF WAR! Too bad everyone looks stupid as hell with absolutley NO innovation in design. Then there is abunch of stupid weapons which all look uninspiried and the dinosaurs are just your run of the mill dinosaurs. So this game manages to look average at best. The environments are all a big fucking illusion. So you think you are on a big green planet that has open and varied pathways to take? Well FUCK YOU, the environments are all a big fucking illusion, there is a billion loading points and the environments are fucking tiny as hell and linear. They just put huge large scale backgrounds to give the bullshit illusion that its huge. Not to mention, the environments outside in the forest are BLAND and boring. Its a fucking embarrassment to release something like this after Crysis. Then all the indoor facilities are just bland gray corridors that make you want to shove a gun in your mouth. Not to mention, the first time I started the game I made sure all the details were maxed out. But really it applied the low graphical settings, So i had to set them to low, and then reset them to high. Even at high the game still managed to look like pure dog shit.

Sound: Who the fuck did the voice for Turok, Steven Seagal? I can't hear a fucking word he says because of the deep voice and mumbling of the fucking voice actor. Thank god though you can't hear him, everything he says is fucking STUPID. Talk about your run of the mill dialog, this is all the same shit we have heard a billion times before. Stupid fake drama, and awful voice acting. Worse voice acting than Dungeon Siege 2. The music is a fucking snooze-fest, nothing special in that area. The enemies, of course, repeat the same three phrases over and over everytime they see you. You get a fucking amazing range of things such as "HES OVER THERE" or "GET HIM!". Wow, thanks for the fucking magnificent writing. You must have spent all of two dollars.

Gameplay: This is the absolute worst part of the game. Of course, due to this game being a piece of shit console game, you have the awful regenerating health system. Get rid of this fucking shit. IF you get shot you are wounded until you find something to fucking fix it. The AI for both the humans and dinosaurs is fucking awful. Dinosaurs do absolutely nothing besides run straight at you, and the humans do the exact same thing. They just stand there and fire. They don't take cover, they don't move..nothing. The AI is about as smart as an average YouTube user. The whole game you just run around and shoot the crap out of people. It was so fucking easy I just ran around with guns firing, taking no cover. Thank god my regenerating health. And another thing, FUCK THE BOW. I have TWO FUCKING SUB MACHINE GUNS, a sticky bomb launcer, a minigun...WHY THE FUCK WOULD I HOLD ONTO A BOW? BECAUSE IM NATIVE AMERICAN? AWFUL! Also, what the fuck is so cool about the knife. OH I sneak up on the awful AI and stab a guy, i get rewarded by watching a fucking awful animation. This game is like when you step on a fresh pile of shit, then take off your shoe to look at it, and then someone slaps your hand and the shit hits you in the face. Just run around and fire the whole game with BORING RUN OF THE MILL COMBAT. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL BORING GAMEPLAY.

Story: The story in this game sucks ass of course, they couldn't think of anything even remotely deep so they just remade the first game. There is some revenge story about some guy agfdasfhsdfhsfd OH SORRY I FUCKING FELL ASLEEP. Stop fucking writing this completely boring dog shit. The story sucks.

Stop making shitty games 2/10

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Re: Turok (Score: 1)
by captnPugwash_halabalobale on Friday, May 02 @ 05:50:29 EDT
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its pretty it would be a dick game seeing the title, ya know dinosaurs and all that shit.

you should stop wasting time and money with these moth games and put other games for review like

1. assains creed
2. ut 3
3. etc

[ Reply to This ]

  • Re: Turok by captnPugwash_halabalobale on Friday, May 02 @ 05:51:56 EDT
  • Re: Turok by Suislide on Friday, May 02 @ 15:29:48 EDT
    • Re: Turok by captnPugwash_halabalobale on Saturday, May 03 @ 04:02:54 EDT
  • Re: Turok by Kasrkin on Friday, May 02 @ 17:22:56 EDT
    • Re: Turok by captnPugwash_halabalobale on Saturday, May 03 @ 04:03:48 EDT

Re: Turok (Score: 1)
by puk on Monday, September 15 @ 11:43:35 EDT
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This game sucks some serious cock. I almost feel ashamed to call myself a Vancouverite cuz of Propaganda games. Watching Josh Holmes try to show off the game ( is like watching Uwe Boll defending his directing style (

This game misses the mark on almost every aspect of gaming:
-the aiming system has a serious case of the shakes. It shakes when you shoot, it shakes when you hold the arrow for too long, it shakes when you get attacked, it shakes when you get shot at, it shakes when something explodes, it shakes when a big dinosaur is roaring. Is that enough? should I keep going? It shakes when a dinosaur mounts you and tries to rape you, it shakes when you touch a sharp vine. picked up on this (
- The aiming system is super sensitive. So you will overshoot the same target a dozen times (before you inevitably die). Yet, ironically, when you try to turn around it seems to take forever.
-You have absolutely no guidance. So you pick up a gun and shoot it, and the enemy glows up. It looks like a flare, but it's actually a sticky bomb. How am I supposed to know that? Or you're in a jungle that might as well be a hypercube since there's seemingly no way out. And the only clue it gives is "find the comm unit". Fuck, can't you just give it to me? You're the computer, u can do anything.
-The AI is so frustrating, the enemy is as eagle eyed as in Far Cry
-The health system is gay. A couple of shots and you're down and out, and get to enjoy the amazing checkpoint system which saves every 5 footsteps when there are no hazards, and every 20 minutes when you're getting ass raped by super soldiers. If you have the good fortune of only being injured, you are treated to a lengthy regeneration segment, during which you literally want to kill yourself.
-Graphics are shit, textures are bland to the point where a pathway looks like a corner.
-Your teamates fall behind. Which I couldn't care less about, but then they start talking and I can't hear them. Either shut the fuck up, or share important information with me.

The big problem for me is how game reviewers seem to overlook a lot of this. So gamespot pointed out how the checkpoint system is poor (;read-review) but Gametrailers said there is a "multitude of autosave points". I have no idea what they're smoking. Also gametrailers said "we also had issues with the default look sensitivity...but all these issues are minor". Dude, a first person shooter that can't shoot properly is like a flight simulator that can't fly properly. I think that's a pretty big fucking issue. And then the gametrailers review says "the game's pacing is near perfect", when there are parts where you get attacked by 40 million scorpions. Also the gametrailers review states that "Turok runs on the Unreal 3 engine, and it's definitely the best use of the tech outside of Epic's own eforts", when everyone can tells the textures are just ass. Even Gamespot said so "The visuals, powered by the Unreal Engine, seem middle-of-the-road, given that they're not quite as sharp or as crisp as in other Unreal-powered games." One last thing about gametrailers, they said about the cut scene showing the entire jungle as being "breathtaking". I find it odd they glorify this one single fucking cut scene which occours early on in the game, yet they downplay the HUGE controls problems as being "minor" when they persist throughout the entire game. The final insult comes when Gametrailers sells out and finishes the review by saying "Turok is the first pleasent surprise of 2008"

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