Date: Thursday, May 01 @ 15:28:54 EDT
Topic: FPS reviews

WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO REMAKE TUROK!? Ok first thing is first, the first turok game for the nintendo 64 SUCKED ASS. Why the hell would you remake a fucking turd? Well, they already did and get this, its fucking worse than the original game! You play the game as Joseph Turok, a native american who can somehow fuck a dinosaur up. I should put drano in my veins because this game is PUKE.

Graphics: Where to even fucking begin. Now, of course this game is a port, so you already know the graphics are fucking crap. When a game starts up for the PC and says press any key to begin, you already know you are playing a fucking turd game. Anyways, the first thing I must mention is the FOV in this game is AWFUL. IT was made for consoles, and even with widescreen the FOV isn't increased. Playing this piece of shit makes you feel like you have tunnel vision the entire time. Then there is the character models, which all fucking suck. Everyone looks like a giant ape in huganic armor. Basically they decided, HEY LETS FUCKING KNOCK OFF OF GEARS OF WAR! Too bad everyone looks stupid as hell with absolutley NO innovation in design. Then there is abunch of stupid weapons which all look uninspiried and the dinosaurs are just your run of the mill dinosaurs. So this game manages to look average at best. The environments are all a big fucking illusion. So you think you are on a big green planet that has open and varied pathways to take? Well FUCK YOU, the environments are all a big fucking illusion, there is a billion loading points and the environments are fucking tiny as hell and linear. They just put huge large scale backgrounds to give the bullshit illusion that its huge. Not to mention, the environments outside in the forest are BLAND and boring. Its a fucking embarrassment to release something like this after Crysis. Then all the indoor facilities are just bland gray corridors that make you want to shove a gun in your mouth. Not to mention, the first time I started the game I made sure all the details were maxed out. But really it applied the low graphical settings, So i had to set them to low, and then reset them to high. Even at high the game still managed to look like pure dog shit.

Sound: Who the fuck did the voice for Turok, Steven Seagal? I can't hear a fucking word he says because of the deep voice and mumbling of the fucking voice actor. Thank god though you can't hear him, everything he says is fucking STUPID. Talk about your run of the mill dialog, this is all the same shit we have heard a billion times before. Stupid fake drama, and awful voice acting. Worse voice acting than Dungeon Siege 2. The music is a fucking snooze-fest, nothing special in that area. The enemies, of course, repeat the same three phrases over and over everytime they see you. You get a fucking amazing range of things such as "HES OVER THERE" or "GET HIM!". Wow, thanks for the fucking magnificent writing. You must have spent all of two dollars.

Gameplay: This is the absolute worst part of the game. Of course, due to this game being a piece of shit console game, you have the awful regenerating health system. Get rid of this fucking shit. IF you get shot you are wounded until you find something to fucking fix it. The AI for both the humans and dinosaurs is fucking awful. Dinosaurs do absolutely nothing besides run straight at you, and the humans do the exact same thing. They just stand there and fire. They don't take cover, they don't move..nothing. The AI is about as smart as an average YouTube user. The whole game you just run around and shoot the crap out of people. It was so fucking easy I just ran around with guns firing, taking no cover. Thank god my regenerating health. And another thing, FUCK THE BOW. I have TWO FUCKING SUB MACHINE GUNS, a sticky bomb launcer, a minigun...WHY THE FUCK WOULD I HOLD ONTO A BOW? BECAUSE IM NATIVE AMERICAN? AWFUL! Also, what the fuck is so cool about the knife. OH I sneak up on the awful AI and stab a guy, i get rewarded by watching a fucking awful animation. This game is like when you step on a fresh pile of shit, then take off your shoe to look at it, and then someone slaps your hand and the shit hits you in the face. Just run around and fire the whole game with BORING RUN OF THE MILL COMBAT. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL BORING GAMEPLAY.

Story: The story in this game sucks ass of course, they couldn't think of anything even remotely deep so they just remade the first game. There is some revenge story about some guy agfdasfhsdfhsfd OH SORRY I FUCKING FELL ASLEEP. Stop fucking writing this completely boring dog shit. The story sucks.

Stop making shitty games 2/10

This article comes from Video Games Suck

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