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Wolfenstein: The New Order
Posted on Thursday, June 05 @ 20:22:48 EDT by suislide
FPS reviewsWell I thought this game was originally another fucking reboot but it turns out that it's actual a sequel to the previous game from a couple of years ago. Originally, I thought this game was going to be nothing but a fucking disaster considering that Bethesda had anything to do with. Worse yet, it's running on idTech5 so I thought we were in for another fucking rage debacle. Now, I don't know who the fuck made this game but it's actually fun as shit and pretty god damn interesting. Way better than that anal abortion that is Watch Dogs (But I'll get to that later faggots). This game has some things that I missed in video games, like big fucking guns and shooting the fuck out of everything in your way. READ MORE FOR FURTHER DETAILS.

So of course there was a big delay between this review and that last one I did, mainly because I'M FUCKING OLD AND BUSY NOW. I've been doing this stupid ass website for over 12 years of my life now. What the fuck am I doing with my life? Anyways, Wolfenstein: The New Order is a pretty damn fun game with only a few negatives bringing it down. So of course you play Blow Job Blaczkowicz, who in 1946 is still searching for some guy named Dethmold. You start out, ready to attack his island, only to get shot fucking down and have to blow up abunch of nazi's. The intro to the game is pretty boring as you literally just watch everything happen around, that it is until you get off the beach and into the first castle where you get to start blowing the shit out of everything. You will notice right away that you can dual wield everything in the game and that makes it FUCKING AWESOME. I'm running around with dual pistols and dual assault rifles shooting fucking german. The gunplay is pretty fun in the game as you typically get attacked by numerous enemies who call for reinforcements. Whatever that "feel" is that they have to get in games in order to make shooting virtual enemies fun, they nailed it in this game.

Now the AI is pretty retarded in the game, they pretty much don't do anything besides run at you blasting with automatic weapons or shotguns. However, it works for this game when you walk into a big room and just spray dual assault rifle ammo everywhere killing everything in your path. Beyond that, right away you will notice that your health only regenerates to the nearest 10. HOLY SHIT. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? You actually have to run around and pick up health packs to heal up and you can actually overcharge your health like back in the day. It will slowly count down backdown to your maximum health (which you can raise by 10 by finding secret items throughout the game). So after moving through some castles and blasting some Nazi's, you get knocked out and end up in some fucking insane asylum in 1960. THEN SHIT FUCKING GOES DOWN AS THEY SEND A MILLION GUYS TO INVADE THE ASLYUM. You have to save your not-girlfriend at the time and fucking escape. The game doesn't have the greatest weapon variety but you get laser rifles, automatic shotguns, sniper rifles, and a 1960 assault rifle which eventually gets a rocket launcher upgrade.

It's fucking sweet to have one gun firing bullets while you spray rockets at stupid fucking idiots with the other weapons. So after this part, the game gets going and you get quite abit of variety in the environments as you travel around the world. You go on trains, submarines, various prisons and castles to break out your pals and start the resistance against the Nazi's because they obviously won. The best fucking thing too is going to the fucking Nazi moonbase and blasting everyone with the dual laser rifles. One of the better parts of the combat is the interactivity of the environment. It's nice to finally see a game where you can blow holes through the cover enemies are hiding behind, blow apart walls, glass and whatever else is laying around. There are also some perks you can unlock to give yourself bonuses like faster reloads which you get by simply just using the weapons more often.

One interesting part is that there is technically multiple play styles in the game as you can go the "stealth" route where you sneak behind completely blind and retarded enemies and instant kill them. It's really fucking stupid and you would have to be some sort of cum guzzling faggot to play the game this way. One of the other downsides to the game is IDTECH5. This engine is seriously a massive fucking centuries old turd what the hell happened ID? The game really fracks my ass when turning all the textures suddenly turn into a massive blur low LOD textures for a moment. Luckily, the game looks pretty fucking good most of the time but then randomly there is fucking texture that looks like someone uploaded it off of Quake 2 for the Nintendo 64. Also, randomly the game would just put a flickering black bar at the bottom of my screen which would go away when turning. The fuck? One other problem I have with the game is TOO MANY CUTSCENES. This is another problem of the modern generation of games where you have to have a fucking cutscene every five seconds. LET ME PLAY THE GAME. Go the half-life route where the shit happens in front of me but I don't lose control of my fucking character.

The story in the game is pretty much straightforward shit that NAZI's SUCK, KILL THEM ALL. The characters in the game from your "safe house" are all fairly interesting as well. However, the game is kind of fucked in that like you find out that the Jew's were hiding all this super technology under the ocean somewhere. So what the fuck is the game trying to say? That the Nazi's are right, that the Jews had all of the power in the world and were keeping it from us? I don't know about you, but that is pretty fucking awful message to portray. One of the Nazi weapon is a super suit that gives humans super abilities, but they give it to the fucking cripple. FUCK HER. I'm mean, sure BJ kicks some major ass dual wielding assault shotguns or with his automatic laser weapon, but I want to kick more ass than a cripple. Anyways, the story really isn't anything special other than getting revenge and stopping the Nazi's.

What else needs to be said about the game? OH YEAH, it's 50 fucking GBs and yet it is only about 8-10 hours long. What the fuck did they do? Keep all of the uncompressed audio from multiple languages in the release? That's the dumbest fucking thing ever, I bet this could have easily been brought down to 15GBs if they decided not to be completely lazy. Overall, the game is a decent FPS with some good shooting and some decent fun but does not really do anything to break any boundaries.

8/10

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Re: Wolfenstein: The New Order (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, June 06 @ 00:30:58 EDT
- "But I'll get to that later faggots"
- Never mentions it again


[ Reply to This ]


Re: Wolfenstein: The New Order (Score: 1)
by FUCK_YOU_ALL on Saturday, June 07 @ 04:17:36 EDT
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"you find out that the Jew's were hiding all this super technology under the ocean somewhere. So what the fuck is the game trying to say? That the Nazi's are right, that the Jews had all of the power in the world and were keeping it from us? I don't know about you, but that is pretty fucking awful message to portray."

ARe you fucked? Thats not awful, thats the TRUTH. Where the fuck is Pogma?

FUCK YOU, you jewish prick.


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Re: Wolfenstein: The New Order (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, June 07 @ 13:33:59 EDT
"I'M FUCKING OLD AND BUSY NOW. I've been doing this stupid ass website for over 12 years of my life now"


a main sequence star burns fuel by fusing hydrogen atoms into helium. once the hydrogen runs out however it enters a second phase where the helium atoms in turn are fused into heavier elements which results in a energy output comparable to the main sequence phase, thus ensuring continuation of the nuclear combustion cycle


long story short u got no excuse old geezer


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Re: Wolfenstein: The New Order (Score: 1)
by Rycon on Tuesday, June 17 @ 10:51:04 EDT
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12 years later and I still find this shit hilarious...



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Re: Wolfenstein: The New Order (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, June 28 @ 16:46:26 EDT
Do the fucking watch dog review already, that game suck ass.


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Re: Wolfenstein: The New Order (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, July 18 @ 20:50:35 EDT
Nice review, been reading this sites reviews for 11 years now. Still pimping out good material to give me a hard-on.

You forgot to mention how awesome it is to have german audio and writing (news paper clippings and such) all over the place. Translation is spot-on, really top-notch. This game seriously makes Rosetta Stone look like some ass-crust that was painted together in a frenzy by some schizo with their own feces [/perfect description of Rosetta Stone]. If you ever wanted to start learning German, this is some perfect engaging material. Don't count it towards German culture though..obviously.

Btw, didn't anybody wander that by 1960 Hitler would have been dead from a Meth overdose since he was shooting up daily. There's no way he would've lasted that long.


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Re: Wolfenstein: The New Order (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, July 18 @ 20:51:43 EDT
^^comment above


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Re: Wolfenstein: The New Order (Score: 1)
by fuck_you_cristo (I_fuck_your_kids) on Monday, July 21 @ 04:01:10 EDT
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Nice fucking review. I'm fucking downloading this game now.


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Re: Wolfenstein: The New Order (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Sunday, October 12 @ 23:54:32 EDT
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