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Aliens: Colonial Marines
Posted on Thursday, February 14 @ 20:22:27 EST by Suislide
FPS reviewsThis game took six years to developer and it is the WORST FUCKING GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED. It is fucking Call of Duty with the occasional alien thrown in just to fucking remind you this isn't Call of Duty. This game sucks the fuck big time. Here I was hoping for a return to the days of AVP and AVP2 with the absolutely awesome combat and scary atmosphere, but instead I get the afterbirth from Gearbox after they had Borderlands 2. WELL PLACENTA FUCKING SUCKS AND SO DOES THIS GAME. Just how absolutely fucking awful is this game? Click that tiny little Read More button and find the fuck out.

First thing I noticed, this game completely retcons all of the events which occurred in Aliens 3 and Aliens 4. I am completely OK with this because those movies were absolutely fucking abysmal in every sense and should be ignored. Also, whoever directed those should be punched in the face. How did David Fincher fuck up so badly? Anyways, so this game starts with Hicks warning everyone that the Sulaco is all under attack and shit so they send in the fucking marines! I don't know the rest because the dialog and story in the intro video was so fucking boring that I accidentally fell asleep on the keyboard and skipped the cut-scene. So the first thing I noticed when starting this game is that the graphics are TERRIBLE.

As I proceeded through the 2 hours that I played of this game, the graphics went from completely horrible to laughably abysmal. There were points where I had to fucking stare at how bad some of the textures were. No matter what I fucking do, everything in the game looks too fucking bright, like they cranked up the saturation of all the dull ass lighting. The textures in some places look they were imported from the Playstation 2 or the original AVP from 2000, just an absolute blurry fucking mess. The explosions are fucking dull and lifeless. Just tiny boring looking clouds of particles that barely do any fucking damage. Additionally, the guns all take up 50% of the fucking screen which is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. MAKE THE FUCKING GUN SMALLER. It looks like I'm holding the gun 2 inches away from my fucking face. The animations in the game are so bad to the point where they are laughable. Marines will float off platforms while doing this fucking goofy sideways run that looks totally unnatural. The weapon firing animations are completely boring and static on all of the weapons. I saw the aliens get stuck on stupid fucking objects in the world. One of the marines I killed LITERALLY teleported to a different location to play his death animation. I was fucking bewildered at this.

The sound is also awful, they LITERALLY fucked up the sound for the assault rifle. The took out any bass that the weapon had behind it and the sound LITERALLY cuts out for 2 seconds and then starts over. So you will be firing your rifle and constantly hear your firing stop, but your weapon still firing. HOW FUCKING LAZY ARE YOU? It is quite clear some faggot pig at Gearbox just downloaded some 30 second loop of the rifle sound, imported it into the game and called it a fucking day. Additionally, this is the first time I have noticed in a game that there is like no music. NOTHING. I'm blasting aliens and marines alike and there is nothing in the background but silence. There aren't even any ambient sounds. Just the sound of silence. That empty silence as you sit in there in astonishment at what a sack of feces this game is.

Then we get to the gameplay of this game and you really want to rip your pubic hairs out. You first start fighting some aliens and blasting them. The aliens are totally lame and are INCREDIBLY SLOW. They don't really sneak around at all as they just come at you in waves of 3 or 4. You just easily and nonchalantly blast of all them and continue forward. Incredibly lame and uninteresting. The weapons all feel weightless and empty. Even the shotgun feels like it has NO power to it, and all of the special weapons you can pick up are lame as well. Nothing feels like you are really blowing apart an enemy at all. Then after about an hour of blowing away the same boring alien 50 times, OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE, you start fighting some Weyland-Yutani marines. WHY? ITS A FUCKING ALIENS GAME. Then the game turns into a Call of Duty shit fest as you hide behind boring cover and blast the retarded enemies. I learned you don't even have to fucking shoot them, I just walked right past them into the next room and my team teleported in there with me. WHATS THE FUCKING POINT? Why fucking shoot them if I don't need to in order to advance? The AI is also fucking abysmal. I see my teammate run into a room right past some of the enemy marines and they don't even fucking notice. Gearbox should be fucking ashamed to have released this pile of fucking shit. Fuck you Randy Pitchford, you are a bigger fucking liar than Todd Howard now with this bait and switch bullshit.

Nothing in this game is worth a fuck and DO NOT BUY THIS TURDFEST. Avoid this shitstain like a rotten pussy. The gameplay is awful, boring and nothing but COD clone, the aliens are boring, graphics are terrible, sound is empty. There literally is NO REDEMING FACTORS. You get to pilot an exosuit at the beginning for about 5 minutes when you open a door. Then you use it to AWKWARDLY fight off some aliens but the controls are so fucking bad and the hit detection is even worse that it is like swinging a whiffle ball bat. Gearbox scammed us all. Fuck you Gearbox. This is the next Duke Nukem Forever.


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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 1)
by zachofat ( on Thursday, February 14 @ 20:27:05 EST
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Another enlightening review from Suislide. All bow down to his might.

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 1)
by Suislide (FUCK YOU@penis in my on Thursday, February 14 @ 20:51:00 EST
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Oh I also forgot to mention that you level up and get weapon mods. You basically CODify the fucking Pulse Rifle by putting Red Dot sights on it and stupid fucking flame decals. You have to be a serious faggot to unlock that shit.

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, February 15 @ 10:07:36 EST
Aliens game after AVP2 sucks big time. Movies too. They made a monster that all feared, and proven that even one can cause quite a stir, and tons of dead bodies. They made a myth around it. So what did they do with all this?
They fucked it up. Now in the movies of AVP and the games there are hordes of aliens and they are nothing more than low life mindless critters here. What the hell happened? You are the fucking grim reaper of the alien race with a single pistol now? Bullshit.
Also, when I played the alien in AVP multiplayer back in 2000 I made more kills than all the others combined bacause the alien was a fast, deadly wallcrawler in dark levels and it was the nightmare of everybody. Now they're nothing more than just critters. Critters in hordes that does not even crawl on walls. They just forgot...
They stick to the floor.

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Friday, February 15 @ 11:03:50 EST
Yup, that pretty much sums it up.
You did forget to mention the most laughable aspect of the game though, the so called plot! That was the biggest insult to human intelligence, (As much as people got left these days anyway.) and ALIEN fans - the two and half left after this aberration.

The problem with the ALIEN franchise is just that, it became a franchise they recycle the same shit for the past two decades.

And as for turdbox, they pretty much shot themselves in the foot at this stage. Between this mess and their new business model of selling crappy DLC for half a price of game before it's even announced.

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, February 16 @ 00:36:40 EST
6 years in development and it looks extremely cheaply made.

They put all the funding for ACM into their Borderlands boring garbage.

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Saturday, February 16 @ 17:43:37 EST
The video comparing the Demo and the final release shows the complete insult.

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, February 19 @ 09:09:34 EST
Fuck Gearbox. Remember those dev diary videos they released? The ones in which they boast how unique and new this game will be? How awesome the story is? How "sophisticated AI" controls the aliens? Fucking lies. Instead they set aside some guys (or outsourced) to polish up a demo to lure us in, a demo that was nothing like the final product (a demo that way actually way better). It boggles the mind. Instead of using 6 years to make something decent they push out this fucking thing and then--here's the icing--proceed to blame scapegoats. Gearbox actually tried to wash it's hands clean off of this (like they did with Duke Nukem Forever). Fuck these guys! I seriously hope they go bankrupt.

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Tuesday, February 19 @ 21:53:22 EST
dude u also forgot to mention that AVP2 sux0rs compare to AVP1!

AVPs the only real real good Alien game but its like 15years old i wish some1 could do a reskin or something (Black Mesa style)

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Wednesday, February 20 @ 01:00:45 EST
If you were half the Aliens fan you claim to be, you'd know that it wasn't David Fincher's fault that Alien 3 turned out the way it did. A whole bunch of fuck-ups beyond his control (like being forced to start filming with an incomplete script) caused the film to turn out the way it did, and Fincher has gone to great lengths to distance himself from Alien 3. Give the guy some credit - people who start their directing careers so badly are rarely able to turn shit around - Fincher's career has been pretty fucking awesome since.

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Wednesday, March 06 @ 23:52:12 EST
This game is PFFS.
Pure Fuckin Faggot Shit.

Randy Pitchfork is a fat faggot. I hope he dies of SARS while being rapped by a pack of nigerians before being hit by a retard school bus.

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Re: Aliens: Colonial Marines (Score: 1)
by mos on Monday, May 20 @ 01:18:22 EDT
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there is an investigation and lawsuit over false advertisement and money laundering between sega and gearbox and this game. I hope the truth comes out and they suffer. They did make the game look like an actual game with effort behind it in the demo and it turned out to be a turd. I think they used whatever funds they had to make this game great to bolster Borderlands 2.

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