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Battlefield 3
Posted on Monday, November 14 @ 17:17:26 EST by Suislide
FPS reviewsThis game was by far the most hyped first person shooter out there. Everyone was shitting and creaming in their pants at the same time over a video game. Me, I was suspicious from day one about this game, everything about this game looked like Bad Company 2 with really good graphics. For the most part, that is EXACTLY what the game is except now it has fucking Origin attached to it. Beyond Origin, the game now features Battlelog, the most worthless, pointless and tedious pile of shit to join a server that was ever created a man. It almost makes me wonder if DICE and EA were simply trying to make the worst system possible just to see if fucking idiots would still buy their game and they did. Now the game itself is pretty fun but marred by severe issues. To learn what these issues are, read on faggot!

First thing is first, the graphics in this game are absolutely fucking gorgeous. The textures all feel super detailed, environmental detail is heavy and filled with objects as well as, for the most part, being pretty destructible. I would even argue that this is the best looking game to date on the PC surpassing even The Witcher 2. Everything from the immense lighting in the game to the textures looks awesome. Human faces have a huge amount of detail on them, weapons and characters both sport super high resolution and crisp textures. The particle effects are also similarly impressive with some beatufiul explosions and weapon firing effects. Also, the detail going on in the background of the maps from explosions, gun shots, and bombs going off in the background also helps the graphics as well. Animation is also extremely smooth and fluid from knifing a faggot in the chest, to simple running and gunning. The vehicles are also highly detailed and well animated as well. In essence, there are no fucking complaints in the area of graphics at all.

Lets move on to the gameplay since this is the major part of the game. Now in this section, I am simply talking about multiplayer. I refuse to acknowledge the existence of the singleplayer in this game, but even saying that I will add in a blurb at the end. The game pretty much plays exactly like Bad Company 2 with some modifications. You still run and gun, pick one of the same four classes (with altered purposes), choose your kits, spawn and then shoot people and cap flags. Now the shooting and running around does feel a bit more weighty and slightly less arcady than BC2 but for the most part it pretty much plays the same. Except now we have more weapons, more mods for weapons, more vehicles and prone in the game! Now, none of these are bad things, the graphics look fucking nice and the game is pretty damn fun to play. It has the same Battlefield feel as any of the other games in the series and can be fucking blasting people in a tank, blowing apart buildings, hoping out to run around and shoot the fuck out of some people. In fact, it is really enjoyable and a fun experience, the game is pretty damn fun but is marred by one major thing.

The maps. The fucking maps in this game, for the most part, are fucking HORRIBLE. They are either too fucking small for even 64 players (even 32 players in some cases) or they are so fucking poorly designed that they are just a cluster fucking. Let me go through each map one by one:

Operation Metro: Hands down the worst fucking map in the entire game and in the entire Battlefield series. You literally just spawn outside and fight in a subway the whole time. The map ALWAYS clusterfucks at the point right after B and everyone just stands around at the stairs shooting each other. NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS. The map goes fucking NO WHERE. It is even fucking worse with 64 players since the map isn't any larger. This is basically a map with a big choke point in the middle that goes NO WHERE, EVER. Awful.

Caspian Border: A good map overall, one of the three that I would actually consider a decent map. It is outdoors, has a large amount of space, plenty of vehicles and works somewhat well with 64 players. The only problem with the map is all the points are clustered in the center thanks to consoles

Operation Firestorm: Again another good map that is large, outdoors, has giant buildings and stations in the map, works fairly well with 64 players but suffers from all the maps being shoved in the center of a giant map again.

Grand Bazaar: PIECE OF SHIT CONSOLE MAP. It is a tiny fucking map with two vehicles for no fucking reason. You fight in these small fucking areas in this tiny COD like map. Seriously, it is so fucking small and incredibly boring in every sense of the word. Clearly designed for the lack of memory in consoles.

Damavend Peak: Another fucking PILE OF SHIT MAP. This map has the same EXACT problem with Operation Metro where everyone will hit a certain point in the tunnel in the center and NOTHING will move. The whole entire map for the entire period you play it will jsut be two teams shooting each other inside of a tunnel. FUCKING BORING.

Tehran Highway: Another tiny map like Grand Bazaar with five points all the same distance. Infact, I think this map has the same exact fucking layout as grand bazaar, they just change the way the map looks. It is too damn small and completely uninteresting.

Kharg's Island: By far the best map in the game, it has the points SOMEWHAT spread out, and is fairly large but it is well designed and fun to play. It could stand to be a little bit larger but overall it is well designed.

Seine Crossing: AWFUL MAP. This is another map that is tiny and goes fucking no where. There is barely any vehicles in the map, except for one BMP which means the whole thing is just abunch of shitty infantry combat. There is pretty much no saving graces for this map other than the fact that it looks really nice.

Canals : This map is not too bad, I would put it into the mediocre category. Again the problem with this map is it works ok on 32 players but sucks fucking dick wang with 64 players and all the flags are clustered in the middle

One time I was on a server and I asked WHY THE FUCK IS THERE NO 1000 TICKET SERVERS. Some internet stranger answered, "Because no one wants to play these shitty maps for 90 minutes." It was at this point a single tear fell out of my eye as I realized this internet hero opened my eyes to the truth. Whoever you are out there internet man, thank you for opening my eyes. The game itself is pretty fucking fun, the gameplay is solid, vehicles feel nice but need some tweaking, the flashlights are going to be tweaked. It feels weighty and overall fun to play. The problem is that only 3 of the maps are any fun to play. It lacks content. Everyone tells me to wait for Back to Karkand but why the fuck should I have to pay 15 dollars for remakes of Battlefield 2 maps? It splits up the fucking community and does more harm than good. They should be fucking free.

Battlelog has a special place of hatred within my heart. Whoever it was at DICE or EA who thought that this would be some GLORIOUS IDEA and would reinvent the wheel should be sodomized like Gaddafi with a big fucking stick. So to start to play Battlefield 3, you have to boot up Origin (which is the cancer of gaming) press play to start up your browser, and then start up battlelog, find a server, and then join. Instead of just booting up the game and joining a server, you now have to quit the fucking game everytime you want to join a server. Not to mention, the party system is fucking BROKEN AS FUCK in battlelog and half the time you try to join a server ITS FUCKING FULL EVEN THOUGH IT SAYS THERE ARE SLOTS. There is of course no que system to wait in line to join the game, so you just sit there raging trying to play this fucking game you bought. Battlelog is pointless, it is awful, and I hate it with my entire fucking soul. What a terrible fucking system. It only partially works.

At least the sound in the game is really fucking good too if you set it in the War Tapes mode for full effect.

Now the singleplayer in this game is fucking WORSE than Call of Duty. It plays nothing like a normal Battlefield player would expect it to. Instead it is abunch of bad fucking maps consisting of enemy shooting galleries and terrible fucking QTEs every five seconds. The whole fucking thing is one giant QTE. Awful.


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Re: Battlefield 3 (Score: 1)
by Dick_In_Your_Ass (EMO on Monday, November 14 @ 18:22:36 EST
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I laughed,haven't done that all year on this site.
show us a screencap of your battlelol soldier.

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Re: Battlefield 3 (Score: 1)
by Pogma9 ( on Tuesday, November 15 @ 01:28:43 EST
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Sounds like a game for cunts, especially with the login process for MP.....but I was under the impression that SP would be a major feature this time round, guess I was wrong.

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Re: Battlefield 3 (Score: 1)
by craterface on Tuesday, November 15 @ 05:55:38 EST
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cars blowing up if i shoot 3 bullets to the tire?!
fuck this shit

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Re: Battlefield 3 (Score: 1)
by Fallout4 on Tuesday, November 15 @ 07:12:40 EST
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Whar Skyrim review whar?

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Re: Battlefield 3 (Score: 1)
by Ape_Shall_Never_Kill_Ape ( on Saturday, November 19 @ 01:07:56 EST
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So instead of an offline mode where you can play with bots and get a feel for the maps like in 1942/BF2, we get a worthless campaign. Smooth move, boys.

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