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Portal 2
Posted on Thursday, April 21 @ 21:06:41 EDT by Suislide
FPS reviewsValve releases another fucking gem and shows video game developers how to make fucking good games. This game is some of the most innovative gameplay mixed with excellent graphics, puzzles that are exciting and fun to solve while not causing you to rip your pubic hairs out of your crotch, great characters, voice acting and some of the most hilarious dialog ever written for a game. This game is more engrossing than 98% of the shit on the market, Portal 2 takes everything Portal 1 does correctly and adds INFINITELY more to it by cramming every single good idea all into one game.

Valve deserves a fucking medal for being the greatest video developer that is currently around right. After a huge fucking anticipation from the first game, which was just a short park of the entire package, Valve delivers Portal 2 which is a fucking full blown portal experience and is brought to a much grander scale.

The first thing you will notice when playing this game is that the voice acting and the characters are fucking hilarious and have some of the best writing ever seen by mankind. This game is so fucking hilarious, I don't remember ever laughing so much all the way through. All the dialog in this game is so fantastically written from GlaDOS, Wheatly, and others that you will want to stop in the middle of your puzzles just to listen to all the comedy and the tremendous voice work. This game will keep you laughing as the various characters guide you through the game providing excellent ambiance to the game the entire name. Let's not forget the funniest person in this game, CAVE FUCKING JOHNSON. Every line this man spits out had me laughing and the delivery is absolutely perfect. However, we already knew Valve was great at writing, so I am sure this comes as a surprise to no one that the dialog and voice acting in this game are mind-blowingly PRONOMINAL. Everything from Initializing Smooth-Jazz to banging moon-rocks together.

Since we are still on the subject of the sound, the game features some of the best audio and music work which has been seen in games for the last five years. The soundtrack to this game is a mix of classical and electronic which provides ambiance and incredible mood-setting throughout the entire game. Not to mention, the tremendous sound effects for metal smashing and ripping apart as well as the other various sound effects. The best fucking part (besides the absolutely awesome voice acting for every character in this game) is that when on various surfaces or objects such as the various blue, white and red gels in the game, audio starts playing to indicate the surface as working but it completely blends in with the music in the background. This happens for almost everything that happens in the game and it all blends together so well creating some of the best fucking audio ever seen.

Everyone was worried about the graphics in this game because of the age of the Source engine, however, Gabe Newell whipped out his glorious cock and smacked everyone in the teeth who just disrespected him. Gabe Newell is going to fuck you up. OH GABE? What the hell man? I sent you an e-mail asking for another interview and you never replied you jerk! What? Ever since you released Half-Life 2, you are too fucking good for me? We used to be best buds and you provided some excellent humor for my website (since I cannot provide any myself), but now all the sudden you are above me? Pfft. I still love you. Anyways, the graphics in this game are fucking tremendously awesome with high-resolution textures every where in the environment and the updated source engine also provides HUGE environments filled with thousands of pieces of detail and simply some of the best level design you have ever seen. The biggest fucking innovation on the graphics/physics department? REAL LIQUID. Portal 2 is the first game to actually have flowing moving liquid in a video game that you can actually manipulate. WHAT THE FUCK IS EVERYONE DOING? They make crap like Bulletstorm while Valve is busying bring innovation to the table and it is wonderful. Anyways, the graphics in this game are super detailed and the lighting in the latest source engine has improved TREMENDOUSLY which you will see going through some of the darker parts of the game.

Ok so the most important part of this game I saved for last. The fucking gameplay in this game is ABSOLUTELY SOME OF THE FUNNEST GAMEPLAY KNOWN TO MAN. Valve takes the first-person shooter genre and gets rid of the thousands of weapons, blood, gore and everyone and makes one of the best games ever which only has one gun, the Portal gun. It is not only just portal puzzles like it was in the first game as you get further and further the innovation in the puzzle solving only gets greater. You have things like light rails to block paths and to create bridges, various types of gel to spread around using the portal in various ways, boxes, catapults, floating portals, lasers, and everything else which they all combine you put together some of the best puzzle solving ever. Seriously, you will never get fucking bored trying to figure out what to do, or even if you do, it will be enjoyable just solving the puzzles and listening to the incredible dialog and voice acting. Portal 2 takes everything that Portal 1 had puts it into fucking hyperdrive and makes it better. You will enjoy watching the various ways Portal 2 brings a shit ton of innovation from the gels to other types of puzzle solving to the table and keeps you engaged for 7 hours in a single player, mixed with some of the funnest coop ever.
This game is one of the best games ever created and you know how I know? Mother fucking CAVE JOHNSON said so.


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Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by Suislide (FUCK YOU@penis in my on Thursday, April 21 @ 21:33:09 EDT
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When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What the hell are these?! Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!

[ Reply to This ]

  • Re: Portal 2 by Suislide on Thursday, April 21 @ 21:34:00 EDT
  • Re: Portal 2 by Dick_In_Your_Ass on Friday, May 06 @ 09:46:52 EDT

Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by _Master_ on Thursday, April 21 @ 22:48:58 EDT
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wow cant wait to get it when the prices come down

[ Reply to This ]

Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by Dick_In_Your_Ass (EMO on Friday, April 22 @ 04:37:49 EDT
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so basical5y,this is the greatest game that the:PS3/X360 have ever seen?

[ Reply to This ]

  • Re: Portal 2 by Alez on Friday, April 22 @ 06:20:21 EDT
  • Re: Portal 2 by Suislide on Friday, April 22 @ 16:02:19 EDT
    • Re: Portal 2 by Dick_In_Your_Ass on Friday, April 22 @ 16:58:40 EDT

Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by grhluna on Sunday, April 24 @ 06:09:27 EDT
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I agree i still didn't finish the game i'm playing slowly
it is a good experience i got so tired of all these watch-our-amazing-graphics-now-perform-ur-headshot-and-watch-our-credits FPS games
However the 100/10 game of the year/century for me will be Skyrim i know already i can feel it in my toes. Will put the decent in rpg at last.

[ Reply to This ]

Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by berzerker on Thursday, April 28 @ 09:13:31 EDT
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Valve will also been releasing DLC for this game.

Apparently this has higher priority for them than working on HL2ep3 or even HL3?

[ Reply to This ]

  • Re: Portal 2 by Suislide on Thursday, April 28 @ 09:19:32 EDT

Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by berzerker on Thursday, April 28 @ 09:20:08 EDT
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It's been reviewed on Firingsquad now too and gets a whopping 95 / 100. The one drawback they could find is described as follows:

"If I had to pinpoint one aspect of Portal 2 that annoyed me the most, it would be the sheer abundance of loading screens. Now, of course all previous Source engine games have had loading screens, but they were brief pauses in a hallway or airlock room, not full-blown cut-aways with progress bars and static images that may or may not have anything to do with where you’re currently located. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were few and far between, but loading occurs at the end of every test chamber (after boarding the elevator) and there is more than one instance of loading screens sandwiching a 45-second “cutscene” that consists of you seeing and hearing stuff, yet not actually doing anything. Some insist that this is a sign of the Source engine’s obsolescence, but I would venture to guess that making the levels smaller and more segmented was for the benefit of the consoles."

[ Reply to This ]

  • Re: Portal 2 by Suislide on Thursday, April 28 @ 19:40:13 EDT

Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by FUCK_YOU_ALL on Saturday, April 30 @ 13:59:39 EDT
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This game wreaks boredom.

[ Reply to This ]

  • Re: Portal 2 by _Master_ on Saturday, April 30 @ 14:59:48 EDT
    • Re: Portal 2 by FUCK_YOU_ALL on Sunday, May 01 @ 11:26:11 EDT
  • Re: Portal 2 by Suislide on Saturday, April 30 @ 18:03:07 EDT
    • Re: Portal 2 by FUCK_YOU_ALL on Sunday, May 01 @ 11:27:04 EDT

Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by FUCK_YOU_ALL on Sunday, May 01 @ 11:29:04 EDT
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... I mean it's fun, and innovative, but... I just want a real gun. The thrills are only in kills.

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Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by Lizardman ( on Monday, May 02 @ 14:00:17 EDT
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I'm glad that this game actually takes time because instead of beating that Portal 1 piece of SHIT in 1 hour! And plus this game isn't the same piece of BIRD SHIT as the 1st.

[ Reply to This ]

Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by FUCK_YOU_ALL on Tuesday, May 03 @ 18:45:59 EDT
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@Suislide: My conclusion - this game sucks. YOU are an idiot for assuming; stick with presuming, it's way better.

If I could get assholes to make a PC game, you could (from 1st person or 3rd person) kill 6 to 9 guys with a full clip, then kill a guy with your knee and the gun itself, then kill two guys in succession with your short blade, then deec that other motherfucker out, disarm his chainsaw, and left punch right elbow left kick right knee on his skull so it explodes, ALL-THE-WHILE running top speed to avoid tangos shootin or movin at you.

[ Reply to This ]

  • Re: Portal 2 by Suislide on Tuesday, May 03 @ 22:58:29 EDT
  • Re: Portal 2 by Dick_In_Your_Ass on Thursday, May 05 @ 16:09:08 EDT
    • Re: Portal 2 by Dick_In_Your_Ass on Thursday, May 05 @ 16:10:13 EDT

Re: Portal 2 (Score: 1)
by Mean_MOFO on Wednesday, May 18 @ 04:32:55 EDT
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Jeesh, I see you're still sucking Valve cocks. What if I model one for you in source engine, would you swallow the jizz pixels after you jerk it off?

[ Reply to This ]

  • Re: Portal 2 by Anonymous on Sunday, August 12 @ 19:51:06 EDT
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