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Posted on Wednesday, March 02 @ 22:06:06 EST by Suislide
FPS reviewsNow when I heard of this title, I first looked up who the developers were and got excited. People Can Fly were the creators of Painkiller which was a fucking awesome game deserving of respect. It was filled with kick ass gameplay, unique weapons, bloody and fun levels, and was basically the only game after Serious Sam in which it was fun to kill copious amounts of enemies. So when I got this game, I was expecting something of the same, and I got it in a way, but what could have been a great FPS is fucked over by being a watered down consolized FPS. Here is another example of consoles ruining a video game which could have been amazing.

So the first thing you will notice when starting up Bulletstorm is that it says PRESS START TO CONTINUE. Bad FUCKING sign. Why is this menu even there on console versions? Why can't it go straight to the fuck menu like on every other game that is actually worthwhile. Beyond the fact that there is Aim Assist and Aim Lock enabled by default, you will also notice this game only supports 16:9 resolutions and has the worst fucking Field of View imaginable. Side note, if you need fucking aim assist, then it shows how fucking inferior your gaming controls actually are. Consoles are awful for FPS and anyone who argues otherwise is simply a blind tool who needs to have a shit taken in their mouth. The fact that you need the AI to control the aim for you only exemplifies what a fucking inferior, slow, inaccurate turd of a controller you have. The game might as well play itself with you out since it is only step away from actually firing and walking around for you. Just another example of how consoles are ruining video games. So after searching the InterTubes, I found a FOV fix and a way to disable THE GOD AWFUL MOUSE SMOOTHING and we were good to go. Thank god for modders who are able to fix the developers fucking broken game.

The game itself looks pretty fucking gorgeous as it has some nice textures, bright vibrant colors, and has some cool design to it. The rocky areas looking pretty fucking boring but when you start getting into city areas, and other places with tall building and other such details, it looks pretty gorgeous. Some of the textures in the game are absolute shit which is a console norm, but most of the game looks pretty damn spectacular.

This is marred, however, by the consoles themselves by ridiculously tiny corridor levels. Seriously, the whole game is basically just a straight path forward and requires no effort at all. Half-Life 2 is a great example of a linear game that leaves it open enough for you to feel like you are actually wondering around in a real environment. This game is stupid fucking narrow levels which makes it feel like you are walking down a hallway the entire game. The cutscenes in this game are also ridiculously stupid as it requires you to hold down the right mouse button to get points as it zooms in to watch a boring animation. Half-Life 2 you just fucking saw it happen in front of you, and if you were looking away, TOO FUCKING BAD. It seems the developers have to force these console retards to go "OH HEY LOOK, FLASHY STUFF, STAY INTERESTED."

So the main part of the game is the gameplay which basically just consists of shooting apart loads of enemies in an unrealistic faction which is nice for a change of the pace. The whole point of the game is to kill the enemies in fashinoable ways by kicking them into spikes, using the slow-motion leash to pull them towards you, various bullet slides , and using shit in the environment. Now the shooting and the combat starts out pretty fun with you trying to get the most points for killing in the most creative ways that you can think about but eventually it gets tedious as fuck. THAT IS ALL YOU DO. The environments are all OBVIOUSLY set up for such kind of combat that it basically just tells you to HEY KICK THIS GUY HERE, or SHOOT THIS BARREL. Basically, the game assumes you are the dumbest person alive, which is pretty much correct for any console player.

Now the actual gameplay itself is pretty fun, shooting abunch of guys, blood flying everywhere. It is fun to kick people off buildings and other such things. There are even some cool weapons like the shotgun which lets you blow enemies in half, the chain-grenade launcher, and the Drill Launcher which is basically a rip off of the Stake launcher from painkiller. Also, the sniper rifle lets you shoot a bullet and slown down time and guide it. Even with the unique weapons and a murder system which sounds fun the game gets BORING AS FUCK. You just run through shitty corridor levels doing the same thing OVER and OVER to get points. There is no puzzles, nothing special, no thought put into the level design either. Now even with the various environments from cities, to mines, to rooftops and other such areas is not enough to keep you interested shooting the same stupid set of enemies over and over again. The gameplay gets incredibly boring and incredibly in a very short amount of time. It is basically just Gears of War in first person with a gimmicky murder system.

Oh lets not fucking forget how many SHITTY ASS QUICK TIME EVENTS are in this game. Yeah I really love watching the GAME PLAY FOR ME. Fuck that shit. There is nothing good about QTE and they are basically for console faggots who don't actually know how to play a game and from lazy developers. Seriously, climbing a ladder is a QTE, jumping is a QTE, even the fucking final boss fight was a quick time event. Seriously, THE GAME FIGHTS THE BOSS FOR YOU, all you have to do is press like three buttons and POOF, you win. Fucking awful, any game which uses quick time events from now on, will get no higher score than a 7.

Now I know what you must be thinking, the dialog and story must at least be pretty good. NOPE. The dialog is literally the GAYEST thing ever. It is probably only funny to 11 year old retarded children, which, once again, is the retarded fucking console fanbase. There is a ton of swearing which you think I would love but they cannot stop talking about DICK. Literally, they spout out dicks so many times it makes you feel like you are getting fucked in the ass and mouth. Every fifth line is something about riding or sucking a dick. Whoever wrote this is pretty retarded. The dialog is absolutely terrible and so incredibly unnecessary in all aspects that I am upset that I ever had to hear.

The story is fucking terrible and basically only there to give some reason to tie the game together. Basically, you do a mission for this general, he turns out to be a bad guy, you get revenege and chase after him on a planet. THE END. That plot is even too fucking thin for a Michael Bay film which is really saying something.

In the end, this is just another shitty fucking console FPS with garbage features like tiny levels, corridor level design, aim assist, low FOV, and mouse smoothing. The combat seems fun for a little bit and gets fucking tedious after awhile. All the reviews sites praising this game are fucking full of shit. 6.5/10
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Re: Bulletstorm (Score: 1)
by puk on Wednesday, March 02 @ 23:51:09 EST
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"any game which uses quick time events from now on, will get no higher score than a 7"
-Does this compound with the automatic point reduction on the "Press Spacebar to Continue" screen of doom?

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Re: Bulletstorm (Score: 1)
by Dick_In_Your_Ass (EMO on Thursday, March 03 @ 00:31:04 EST
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i blame epic!
Also: dick in your ass

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Re: Bulletstorm (Score: 0)
by Anonymous on Thursday, January 10 @ 16:56:10 EST
hehehehe lololo laughed my ass off while reading this review...i see u have so much love for console gamers xD

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