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Alpha Protocol
Posted on Wednesday, June 02 @ 00:16:45 EDT by Suislide
Action Game ReviewsLet's say it out straight, this is probably the worst fucking game I have ever played. There was 200foot deep sink-hole that opened and they might as well use every copy of this game made to fill it in. Seriously, this game reaks of the shittiness of KOTOR 2 all over again...way to go Obsidian. I thought they at least redeemed themselves a little bit with Neverwinter Nights 2 (being somewhat decent but still not fully-finished) but then they release this TURD. The game is a turd in a hotdog bun with diarrhea on top. It is marketed as a spy-game/rpg when it is in fact NEITHER. It's a fucking action game clone and probably the worst clone at that. Anyways, here is my review of Alpha Protocol...if you can make it all the way to the end without throwing up in your mouth.

Graphics: Holy shit...speaking of KOTOR 2 are they using the fucking engine from that game? I know it said Unreal Engine but I'm pretty sure I was just teleported back to 2003. The first bad sign to me that this was a shit game were the animations. As soon as the character gets out of his lame ass looking medical bed I press buttons to turn around. THERE ARE NO TURNING ANIMATIONS. If you press a button, the character will instantly start running that direction. This coupled with the fact that the camera is UP THE PLAYERS ASS the entire fucking time no matter what you are doing. This was probably to hide the incredibly small ass levels this game contains and horrible fucking character models and textures. Seriously, if the character models could get any more bland I would shoot myself in the face. The textures in the game are absolutely appalling and it looks like something from the original xbox. There isn't very much variety in the environments either because you will run thorugh generic base A, generic base B, sand level, snow level, etc. Basically, someone decided HEY, let's get all the same shitty cliched environments together that everyone already uses and BAM, we have a game. Everything in the graphical department about this game is horrid from the bland characters, to the bland levels, horrible camera angles, TERRIBLE animations and so on. Then there is the crosshair which has to be the biggest fucking crosshair in existence. Seriously, it's a giant fucking circle taking up 95% of the screen. Terrible, awful graphics.

Sound: OH MY GOD. Someone call the fucking mattress department because these crap characters are going to put me into a coma. First of all, the game uses a unique dialog system which is probably the coolest feature of the entire game, but I will get into that later. Everything, any of these characters says in this game is ABSOLUTELY BORING. They talk, and talk and talk, and you slowly begin to insert a gun into your mouth and pull the trigger. The voice acting is absolutely pathetic as it sounds like no one is actually trying to voice act. This doesn't help that the fucking speech is shoved up your ass every ten seconds. You beat a mission and BAM, the commander has to talk for another fucking THREE YEARS before you can move on and go do something in your shit apartment. The dialog is a snoozefest too. They talk about stupid things about the mission and stuff but none of it is interesting at all. I actually had an itch on my balls that kept me interested longer than the dialog in this game. This is all combined with the fact that the weapons, environment sounds and music within the game range from garbage to mediocre. Seriously, whoever wrote the dialog in this game needs to be put into a room and forced to listen to it for the next ten years.

Gameplay: This game has absolutely NO redeeming qualities to it. In fact, it is quite possibly the worst game that was ever made. First, the game is billed as espionage RPG. This game has about as much spying and as much RPG in it as the shit I just took before I wrote this review. The RPG elements consist of choosing different guns and martial arts for your character to become more proficient in, LAME, and the dialog system which gives you a time limit to reply in one of four preselected ways. The problem is, the rest of the game is just fucking generic shit action. You might as well just run around shooting because the levels are too damn small, and the AI is too fucking retarded for this game to function as anything else but an action game. First, the AI sucks huge donkey balls. They literally will run from across the map to try and punch you in the face while you just shoot at them. Then they just run around aimlessly for awhile too and don't run away when you walk straight up to them and punch them. Second of all, the cover system in this game is more broken then a prostitutes home. You basically hide behind objects whenever the game decides it feels its ok, and then it never unsticks you when you want to be. It is probably the worst fucking cover system ever.

Ok, so the dialog system presents you with ways to talk to characters which affects the games and the way you gain stats. The only problem is no matter what you choose, your character sounds like a retarded dickhead. Then the fact that the story and the gameplay are absolutely ATROCIOUS, you won't actually care what options you choose. The gunplay in this game is just hideous because you just run around with incredibly inaccurate weapons that you buy at your home base and shoot boring in the most boring, non-eventful combat ever. There are absolutely no stealth elements to the game because the levels are too damn small and you just run around shooting. By the way, did anyone even LOOK at the crouching animation before they released this game? I laughed so hard I almost shit my pants.

The mini-games in this game for hacking are so fucking retarded you simply won't even do them. There is some computer hacking system where there is a huge fucking box of words and you have to match up two non-moving sequences of words. The controls for this are fucking broken, and the mouse moves slower than my dick. Then there is other shit mini-games like lock picking, and something else which don't even fucking matter because you won't ever use it. The RPG elements in this game are completely lame and pointless, the action sucks, the AI is atrocious, and there is nothing fun about the game.

Story: You are some guy who is abducted for some spy organization. They basically ripped this straight out of Mass Effect 2 because they are cock suckers with no original content. Then you go around and do boring missions to find some enemy and then shoot yourself in the fucking face for having wasted time on this game. The story sucks.

Holy shit...This game is Dungeon Lords and KOTOR II mashed together for the ultimate shit fest 0/10

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Average Score: 3.90
Votes: 22

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Re: Alpha Protocol (Score: 1)
by Dick_In_Your_Ass ( on Wednesday, June 02 @ 01:52:23 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) believe that i nearly got sucked in to the hype! Did you turn gfx settings to max? I knw its bad looking,but worse than,SPLINTER CELL COCKVICKITION?

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Re: Alpha Protocol (Score: 1)
by puk on Wednesday, June 02 @ 04:48:37 EDT
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LOL good review

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Re: Alpha Protocol (Score: 1)
by craterface on Wednesday, June 02 @ 17:02:39 EDT
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i liked kotor 2 also. but always hated when you're given a limited time to choose what to say in dialoges. i mean i have to read all given options to make a proper decision and sometimes the sentences are too lenghy so you spend 95% of your time for reading only then BAM times up.
fucking irritating.

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Re: Alpha Protocol (Score: 1)
by Suislide (FUCK YOU@penis in my on Thursday, June 03 @ 02:30:59 EDT
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Everyone should post this review at every possible forum they can find. The word must spread on this fucking turd.

Obsidian is probably the worst game developer of all time.

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Re: Alpha Protocol (Score: 1)
by berzerker on Tuesday, June 15 @ 02:34:20 EDT
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Some comments to this review here too:

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