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Assassins Creed II
Posted on Monday, May 03 @ 16:07:04 EDT by Suislide
Action Game ReviewsThe problem with the first Assassin Creed was that it fucking sucked huge ass. You did the same three tasks over and over until you wanted to blow your brains out. Then the controls were god awful because your stupid ass character would jump where the fuck he felt like was a good spot, which is typically into some area that leads to his death. Anyways, they luckily fixed those problems in this game and actually made a pretty decent game this time. The environments are huge, the missions are much more detailed and varied, and the game is pretty damn fun to kill people. Yeah, and this is a fucking Ubisoft game too...How the hell do these things happen?

Graphics: Honestly, the graphics in this game are pretty fucking poor. Sure, there are huge cities, wide open areas, and tons of people within the environments. This is nice because the game is then super detailed but the problem isn't with the detail. The LOD is so fucking low in this game that even if you have everything on high, you will still see objects changing and popping into their higher-resolution form right in front of you. It's annoying as fuck and causes everything more than 50 feet away from you too look like absolute diarrhea. If the LOD was a lot higher in this game, the graphics would be much more impressive. There would be huge environments which would be loaded with detail. However, thanks to shit consoles are their lack of ram, we are stuck with graphics from 2007. Anyways, Most of the models are pretty well detail and there is enough variation in the regular citizens to make it at least believable. Most of the textures are pretty average, and as you get further away they turn into a big blurry turd. The outdoor, grassy environments look incredibly boring because there is NOTHING. It's just like a flat grass texture with a little bit of foliage. It is more boring than sleeping with your mother (and if she is a corpse, this only furthers my point). The shadows are also fucked up the game and clip through all different parts of the models all the time. The animations in the game are fairly well done with plenty of gory ways to kill your enemies. Nothing like shoving a fucking dagger in someones head, or stabbing two spikes through their eyes. Holy shit, I think I'm getting a murder boner. Anyways, the graphics are pretty average in all respects with nice climbing and death animations.

Sound: The sound in fairly well done with good voice acting done for the main character, etzio or whatever the fuck his name was. Most of the other characters are fairly well done as well. Although for some reason Leonardo DaVinci sounds incredibly gay in the game, like he is ready to suck the main characters cock at any moment gay. The music is all pretty well done within the game adding atmosphere and all that bullshit it is supposed to add. The dialog in the game is fairly interesting as well. I typically had no trouble actually listening to what characters have to say which is incredibly rare when it comes to Ubisoft, who are the fucking worst at writing dialog. I think they simply got lucky this time around, however the sound is pretty good in the game.

Gameplay: The gameplay is vastly improved from the first game. So you still have all the climbing and bullshit around the game but this time it is much for fluid. Paths and the way your character interacts with the environment is much more fluid so now you can actually keep the fucking momentum going as well. The combat is also vastly improved being able to easily assassinate multiple people from different areas (roof tops, and shit like that). One of the main things is that the missions are much more streamlined now so you have to figure out what the fuck to do anymore. They guide you directly through the game, give you clear and concise objects. The best part is you don't do the same bullshit over and over again, there is some variation in the killing and the way you assassinate and sneak in different areas. The best part is if you are fast you don't even have to worry about getting caught. You can just run in, stab a mother fucker in his face, drink his blood, and then leave. The combat improvements make the game vastly more playable. The best part is that there isn't six million people with vases walking around everywhere so you do not have to fucking walk carefully everywhere or the guards attack you accidentally knocking over a pot. There is a village now that you can upgrade to generate cash for you, even though it's pointless because they best armor in the game is free and you end up with so much extra money in the end, you can literally throw it all away.

However, even though the missions are much less tedious there is still some tedium there. Especially with the last boss who you have to fight 15 fucking million times before you actually kill him. Shit like that is absolutely retarded. Not to mention, you can just grab him, throw him on the ground and kick the shit out of him until he is dead. The game is actually extremely easy now. I had a shit ton of med kits, the best armor and I barely did any of the side missions because they were AWFUL. WOW RUN AND DELIVER A MESSAGE? HOW FUCKING INNOVATIVE! Nothing says deep quest line like having to deliver an anonymous letter to an anonymous characters. Anyways, if you focus straight on the main story, it is a pretty enjoyable experience, going around killing different people until you kill your way to the top. Anyways the game is fairly fun killing people this time and is a vastly better experience than the first turd.

Story: The story continues from the first somewhere, where some bitch wants you to leave the facility you were at and use her shitty station in her apartment. So then you go into the game trying to find all the codex pages to stop the Templar from getting some sort of bullshit. Eventually you do this, meet minerva and the game ends with the main character saying what the fuck? I said the same exact fucking thing because instead of concluding a story arc, leaving room for a sequel open, they just left the whole fucking story wide open. Anyways, somehow your character learns to fight in real life from the stupid machine and they escape the new facility. The story isn't that bad if they took out the science-fiction parts of the game.

The game is much better this time around and I get an erection from stabbing people 8/10

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Average Score: 2.81
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Re: Assassins Creed II (Score: 1)
by craterface on Monday, May 03 @ 16:40:04 EDT
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i liked when you had to escape aftere a kill. it was intense. it's sad that they didn't leave that in the sequel. but the whole thig to kill a guard with a throwing knife from 958590 mile away, was a bit weird. or when you dived from 89525 feets high and a fuckin haystack saves your life.
also leonardo davinci WAS gay actually. i've read it somewhere in an article during the hype with the book starring tom hanks or whatever.

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Re: Assassins Creed II (Score: 1)
by _Master_ on Monday, May 03 @ 17:51:14 EDT
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strange coincidence, i just stated playing the game.

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Re: Assassins Creed II (Score: 1)
by Dick_In_Your_Ass ( on Tuesday, May 04 @ 00:42:23 EDT
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I thought i was the nly 1 who saw the gfx as shit.even the trailers' shadows look crappy.NOT A BUY 4 me thx to the DRM.

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Re: Assassins Creed II (Score: 1)
by fhouse on Tuesday, May 04 @ 12:37:01 EDT
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"The story isn't that bad if they took out the science-fiction parts of the game. "

Heh, I only picked up this franchise because of the Sci-Fi storyline. :)

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