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Wheelman
Posted on Sunday, April 05 @ 23:26:06 EDT by Suislide
Action Game ReviewsWhat the fuck is this game? Honestly...what the fuck is this? And why the hell does it star Vin Diesel? No one fucking likes Vin Diesel or any of his shitty movies. I mean if anyone saw xXx they would realize how fucking terrible of an actor he is. He died like a pussy bitch in Saving Private Ryan and now I have to see his queer face in this terrible racing/action game genre defying crap hole. This game is sort of like a GTA knock off but focuses mainly on shitty car missions and it pretty sucks the fattest cock available to it.

Graphics: Once again the graphics are the best part of the game because developers rather make it look nice than play or sound nice. They fucking spend all the time with the graphics instead of creating actual gameplay. Crytek did it right, they made fucking amazing graphics and still had amazing gameplay. This game looks good in some parts, but the other half of the game looks like rabid dog shit. So then why wouldn't all that free time they had making the graphics not look good be spent improving the gameplay and the story? I have no fucking clue because it is an absolute conundrum at just how many terrible fucking games I have played this year. NONE of them in 2009 have been anything past average, we've gotten the same typical shit and over and over and its lame. Anyways, the graphics in this game are nice on the outside. The motion blur looks really good and gives the illusion of quite a bit of speed. The worlds are very bright and vibrant and everything has a clean sleak look to it. The cars are shiny and the damage models are pretty damn detailed from small dents, to have the car absolutely fucking explode. There is absolute insane of amount of stuff you can smash through buildings, signs, and other shit like that and it looks nice with all the sparks and shit flying everywhere. The problem is that is where the nice graphics stop. When you get on foot you realize that all the character models look like absolute dog shit. The textures are completely bland and shitty looking. Vin Diesel looks like a fucking stumpy midget in this game and for some reason he looks sweaty as hell. I have no fucking clue what genius decided HEY lets make VIn Diesel look like a sweaty fucking homo. The graphics are half good when you are driving but the models and the on foot models look like absolute turd. Also, the entire city looks exactly the fucking same.


Sound: Ugh god, what the fuck can I ever say about the sound? Wait...god...with shitty games like this in existence we all know there is no god. Vin Diesel's voice sounds so fucking low that I turned off my speakers and you could hear him fine just out of the subwoofer. Seriously, why the fuck is it so deep? Who cares though because every other voice actor in this game SUCKS. Most of them sound like typical mexicans or whatever generic fucking accent from country of origin they are from. The dialog is absolute puke with Vin Diesel is saying stuff like, "A good drive knows when to start and when to stop" and "I'm a wheelman" What the FUCK is a wheelman? You mean you are a fucking driver? Wheelman my ass...what kind of gay shit is that. Everything he says in this game is a shitty one-liner and having to hear it makes me want to end my life. The music is just background noise because it SUCKS. Its not funny like GTA it is just various songs from various genres but no one gives a shity because it sounds like crap. The sound effects are crap too....fuck this game.


Gameplay: So this is a racing sort of action game that is complete shit all around. You are apparently a wheelman which means you can drive a car and smash it into other cars. Ok so basically you have super fucking arcadey controls in driving a car and you do missions for people! WOW CREATIVE! So you select a mission on the map, drive it to, listen to a terrible fucking dialog and then drive around the city doing completely shitty missions from smashing into cars with your melee attack, or jumping from one car to the next. Yes, you can fucking climb out of the window of a car, JUMP FORWARD to another car and break in and steal it WHILE ITS FUCKING MOVING. This is all you do the whole game, steal cars, make cars blow up, or drive really fast to a target to beat the fucking mission. It's so fucking boring and typical I can't understand why anyone wants to play this. You can run around on foot too and steal cars for no reason because there is nothing to fucking do in this game besides the missions. You just smash cars and watch fancy little scenes where they explode in slow motion. What a lame fucking game.


Story: People were talking in the cutscenes and it was just so fucking bad that I started skipping through it so I have no idea what was going on. I made out that Vin Queer is a wheelman, wants to find a guy named Pablo for some reason and then he does missions for him. Then I uninstalled the game.

Vin Diesel doesn't need to have his face in any games ever 4/10

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Re: Wheelman (Score: 1)
by puk on Monday, April 06 @ 05:07:19 EDT
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Did anyone see Babylon AD? It was just terrible. Like the writers were on LSD the whole time.

I felt like I was being raped: I just closed my eyes and wanted it to be over.


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Re: Wheelman (Score: 1)
by fhouse on Wednesday, April 08 @ 06:37:26 EDT
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Don't say Crytek did it right! Crysis is boring as hell.


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