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Dark Messiah of Might and Magic
Posted on Monday, November 24 @ 22:06:55 EST by Suislide
RPG Reviewsbrilliant writes "Damn this game -literally- kicks ass. Orc ass, tiny fucking goblin ass, huge mothafucking cyclops ass, all the fantasy asses known and unknown. Oh, and necromancer ass.

Graphics : Graphics are nice, the engine from HL2 can be seen in all it's glory, physics and shit. You can throw barrels and all kinds of crap in enemies' heads, destroy ledges with them on, every object falls as it should, enemies fall often and they scream, overall it's good ol' physics. Swords get bloody after you hack some fucking orcs, lights are cool, but kinda many for a stealth character, overall it's not bad. Orcs look like gay bouncers, but that's okay. (that sounded very gay, har har har)

Sounds : The dialogues in this game are one of the most shittiest dialogues i've ever seen and i've seen them all. The demon bitch sounds like a bad actress from a shitty porn flick, it's full of fucking cliches, people say the things you'd expect them to say always, orcs and goblins talk like fucking east-european illegal imigrants, soldiers have the paladin-gay-evil vanquisher voices and scream they'll follow you even though you are a fucking demon-child-antichrist or some shit. I didn't get that part very well. The funniest part is when you overhear a goblin who accidentally ate orc balls thinking it was liver and the others go mental and start laughing like psycho-killer 9 year olds who are about to rape their parents and making fun of him. Giant spiders have some weird creepy scream when they die, even tho spiders wouldn't normally scream because THEY DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING SOUND-MAKING MOUTHS, but the producers thought that would be cool so they do in this game. Zombies have the same shitty groans i've heard in every zombie from every game but i guess that's not a critic because you can't make any "original" groans from an undead cocksucker who's only desire is to rape your fucking adventurer leather-wearing ass. When orcs spot you, they always yell "Stranger!", that probably being the ultimate threatwar cry in their fucking limited immigrant vocabulary, and goblins go berserk calling their mates to the slaughter, making the scene looking like some fucking kindergarten from a bad horror movie. Fucking things are small, but they can beat your sorry hero ass the same.

Gameplay Now this is the best part of the game, the one that makes it playworthy. Because your fighting skills start from blind-crippled-grandma level and after intense leveling they hit wimpy level, you have to improvise in order to rape those fucking orcsgoblinscyclopsesgay fantasy monsters. And here comes the game's ultimate weapon ..... THE FUCKING KICK IN THE ASS. I've discovered that by pressing the F key i can bring out monster apocalypse on their asses. Kick them in spike walls, kick them in fires, kick them off high ledges, kick them on weak wooden beams that makes the platforms they support come crashing in their fucking heads, kick barrels so they go crashing in their fucking heads KICK EVERY-FUCKING-THING IN THE LEVEL and you finish the game, easily.
Of course, because they had to implement some way to make you use the Havok engine they give you the Gravity Gu....ahem Telekinesis spell that makes you rain chairs and crates and barrels on their asses while you hold your hands in the most gayest way i've ever seen in a game.
You can play the game as you can play any RPG that meaning spellcaster way, that gives you some shitty spells like fireball and lightingbolt and shit to hit their sorry asses, and that's just gay because there's only a handful of shitty spells and plus wizard is for gay people anyways. You can play as warrior, but as i've said before your skills can ultimately reach wimp level so you anyways have to hit the motherfuckers with some swords or shit until they die and the fuckers DIE HARD (tm) so after spending a shitload of XP points in combat you find out you're just as shit as in the beggining. Plus you don't get neither XP nor skill improvements for killing the motherfuckers, that making the killing completely irrelevant and not necesarry to completing the game, excepting some shit bosses. But it's fucking fun so don't be gay and go stealth.
Actually, I tried to play stealth (but in a totally non-gay shadow-assassin way) and here's the problem: You have a pair of daggers and after some XP spending you can be able to backstab the fucks from behind, instant-killing them, but the game isn't fucking designed for stealth players. At the beggining there were some alternate shadowy ways to go behind the fuckers and go Hitman on their asses, but as the game progresses you find yourself unable to sneak because either the lack of space (you try sneaking in a fucking small tunnel with two orcs chatting shit) or the lack of darkness (where's them fucking water-arrows from thief).
So the game kinda makes you go warrior berserk or mage homo-gangbaging on their asses even if you are an assassin with shitty HP and weapons.
Rope bow is cool tho, you can shoot rope arrows in the ceiling and climb on to shit and find secret areas with some healing potions or some other useless shit.
The game is kinda like the result of Thief, Oblivion and Half Life 2 doing a gangbang. Actually, there is a reference to Thief when you find the Master Thief's Clothes or Suit or someshit and it says it has a G written on it like in YES WE STOLE THE IDEA FROM THIEF AND GARRETT AND NOW WE MAKE STUPID REFERENCES TO MAKE HIM GO FUCKING BERSERK. Cute.
Later you can transform in some demon-badass and claw and hit the fucks with your tail, but it's not that cool. Better kick their fucking bums to kingdom come from some ledge.
Boss fights are nice, even tho most bosses are cyclopses, either undead or smelly, there's usually a catch to killing them, like dropping shit in their heads and hitting them like a ecstasy-addicted rabid chipmunk until they die. One particulary boss "fights" was when i was one some bridges and some giant worm came out i was like WHAT THE FUCK, it raped my ass 3 times, the 4th time i realised i have to get the fuck out of there but still died because i fell like a stupid motherfucker, the 5h time i managed to stay on those shitty gangplanks even tho the ugly fuck kept eating them from below my feet, and managed to get into a hole where the shit could not reach me, but the fucking worm spew out some poisonous shit and i died. Then i proceeded killing my grandmother with a spoon and then i reloaded and managed to get away from the fucking thing. Worm looked like the one from Half Life or Dune, don't know if it's some sort of shitty obvious reference or some lack of fucking inspiration but it was cool in some weird way to run from the fucking thing.
Also, this is one of the few games that managed to scare me not with the atmosphere but with the ugliness of the enemies. Well, that's partly because i'm arachnophobic and the fucking game is FULL OF GIANT FUCKING UGLY SPIDERS THAT JUMP IN YOUR FACE FROM THE DARKNESS, and the worm that claws 3 inches from your face because it can not reach you when you go in some fucking niche. But maybe that's me being weird.

Storyline : Story's shit. You're some demon's bastard son come to earth that doesn't even know that he's some demon's bastard son come to earth and thinks he's some kind of adventurer and goes finding some crystal that he doesn't know but it opens the gates to his dad's home. You can do that or you can tell your old man to go fuck himself and be good. Excellent storyline, i was really impressed and moved in a totally non-fucking-impressive way. You don't even know that at the beggining so that means i fucking spoiled your game but frankly i don't give a shit, it's not like it was very fucking unexpected when you ask about your dad and the demon bitch goes like oh he's not exactly a wizard but he's powerful and he's evil and he's waiting to be released upon this puny world. What can it be, what can it fucking be? Some plot twist.

Overall, the game's nice, and the kicking ability coupled with the fact that every fucking object can be moved save it's shitty story and dialogues. I give it a a 8.5/10 "
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Re: Dark Messiah of Might and Magic (Score: 1)
by Suislide (FUCK YOU@penis in my on Monday, November 24 @ 22:07:43 EST
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yay followed my review outline style!

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Re: Dark Messiah of Might and Magic (Score: 1)
by Pixelated on Tuesday, December 16 @ 04:10:15 EST
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Duhhhh.. Excuse me for being a retard but didn't Ubisoft release this buggy piece of shit like two years ago? Is this a new add-on or version or something?

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Re: Dark Messiah of Might and Magic (Score: 1)
by berzerker on Tuesday, January 06 @ 02:53:29 EST
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This is an excellent review, write some more!

I am about to give up on this game however. I got past some really annoying spider levels and now got to crypts where I am supposed to retrieve a few [insert random objects with fancy names here] while being chased by a seemingly neverending stream of zombies (who seem to be able to hit you with their arms when I cannot even hit them with my sword). I suck at solving puzzles and look for stuff while being required to run past enemies.

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Re: Dark Messiah of Might and Magic (Score: 1)
by brilliant on Sunday, January 18 @ 15:26:54 EST
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i know the game's old, but at the time of writing that article i had just finished it, plus it wasn't reviewed on the site so i thought what the hell let's give it a shot

i like too much the reviewing style of this site to not contribute to it, I've always wanted to be a retard game reviewer who can't put two words together without putting "fuck" in between them, but usually gaming sites have a problem with that :(

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