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Age of Pirates: Caribbean Tales
Posted on Monday, March 12 @ 17:03:56 EDT by Suislide
RPG ReviewsKasrkin writes "Yeah, looking at developer (Playlogic), publisher (Atari) and title (trying to get in the "Age of X" fame) you can guess the massive shit this game is going to be. First of all, the copy protection is Starfuck so don't try to run the original .exe or your cdroms and HDs would explode. As anyone who isn't a fucking casual player would expect, this game is exactly the Sea Dogs 2 (renamed to Pirates of the Caribbean when it was 70% developed), released MORE THAN FUCKING 4 YEARS AGO! as a XBOX game, and the same as the other later copy called something like "I love to jerk off thinking in Jack Sparrow" they released to in fact include a Jack Sparrow model in a game supposedly based on that movie.

-Graphics: This piece of shit is a 4 years old game with new menus, but like "I'm only on this for the money" companies are always trying to surprise us, in fact this game has WORST graphics and by far WORST engine. Blurry as my toilet when I push 4 days of retained shit textures everywhere, poorly decorated scenarios than a third world house everywhere, sea water less realistic that if I would piss in a glass, port it to Amiga graphics and call it the sea, people models even less detailed, etc... etc... It seems the dutch developers made a bet when they were making the game (by the way smoking copious amounts of weed) to see who could more unimprove the graphics (and all of them were near to the prize, 500 g MDMA crystals). Hell even the Sea Dogs 2 had "Directx 9.0 grass" and pretty good sea water in 2003.
The same had to happen with the engine, it's only possible to play on positive FPS at 640x480 lower than hell details. Probably the word "optimization" only remember to them as the name of a XTC pill.

-Sound: Probably stolen sounds from the Sea Dogs 2, that were completely average (and that 4 years ago). The voices in english are acceptable for this pile of dirt but the localized voices are THE FUCKING WORST OF WHOLE HISTORY OF MANKIND. I mean I could make better voices recording in my 1993 Creative microphone given with a 486 DX/4 and thats not a joke. The only part of the game it could be saved from termination is the music, decent in pirate ambience (probably sucks too, but compared to the rest of this game be a jew or children torture is good too).

-Gameplay: 3 words: "retarded casual player", thats the summary of gameplay. Every feature that was something near to mantain you interested for more than a few hours has been removed by the dutch XTC and techno-house-electro junkies. I'm not exaggerating at this point, a special education 5 yo downie with cerebral paralysis (and worst than that, a casual player) could beat this game. Well, I mean he could if the millions of bigger bugs than the displayed in films such "Gigantic ants", "Enormous arachnids", "Massive scorpions" and so allow him to even save the game without being corrupted and have to restart the game (yeah, all savegames become fatally corrupted forever). This is fucking incredible considering are THE SAME FUCKING BUGS the original game had in 2003. Probably the dutch junkie coders (I would say "dutch whores" too but we all know women are only interested in cosmetics, purses and in case of dutch whores, several hard drugs and group sex too) had a total time to make the game like 30 minutes before the boss rushed it to the publisher.

-Story: It's so fucking simple, stupid, fast-written, infantile, put it running just to justify the arcade shit, etc... I would feel shamed by only quoting it.

Heavy unimproved in every feature, being an exactly copy of a 4 yo game, holding all the bugs and with 3 yo gameplay 0/10."
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Re: Age of Pirates: Caribbean Tales (Score: 1)
by berzerker on Friday, March 13 @ 03:05:19 EDT
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The developer is Russian, not Dutch:

So it probably was not XTC but wodka they used.

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