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Armed Assault
Posted on Thursday, January 11 @ 20:48:38 EST by M0nKeY
FPS reviewsD writes "Also known by it's in-working title, "SlipknotFan793's leet OFP addon pack". After years and years of doing fucking nothing, Bohemia Interactive releases a game that seemingly un-improves on every single feature of the original Operation: Flashpoint.

Operation: Flashpoint was a good game. While its' graphics (even for the time) weren't particularily good and the AI sometimes cheated too much, the games' ultra-realistic portrayal of warfare made it an incredibly addictive game that's still got a dedicated (if a little zealotish) fanbase around today.

ArmA, on the other hand, is not a good game. Seemingly, Bohemia Interactive's original programming staff were replaced by a bunch of drunken fucken czech assholes whom mangled the horsefucking gameplay from America's Army into the geriatric OFP engine, creating a kind of homosexual frankenstein.

Gameplay
The biggest problem with ArmA is the gameplay. Or complete fucking lack thereof. Worst to begin with is how fucking broken and useless half the guns are.

For example, when one uses an M4 SOPMOD aimpoint in the game, one would expect it'd be pretty close to the real thing. That is, that it'd have semi-auto and fullauto fire, and be accurate out to about 250-300 metres or thereabouts.

Fuck no.

Apparently after a night of beating their wives and consuming copious amounts of czech liquor, Bohemia got the idea that the M4 isn't really an assault rifle, but, rather, a type of fucking dildo launcher. Upon spotting an enemy about 50m in front of me, I tried to fire at his head, the aimpoint scope dead on while I was prone.

It fucking missed.

So, I changed to auto. Or, I would change to auto, but the FUCKING THING DOESN'T HAVE FULL AUTO. An M4 without full auto? Why not an M16 that only fires in eighteen round bursts? After the fucking gun finally actually HIT my opponent (taking a dozen rounds to do so in the process), he didn't even fucking die, despite the way his head turned into a mushy red explosion.

So I shot him again, and again, and again. Somewhere into the second fucking clip of M4, he died, apparently of old age or an undiagnosed lymph infection.

Trying again, I also noticed that the M4 can be loaded with 'low velocity' SD rounds or equipped with a silencer that magically makes it able to fire full auto again. But, the problem is, the low velocity rounds decrease damage and don't actually sound any quiter than normal rounds. So you can fire high velocity rounds from the silenced M4 all day and nothing changes. Fuckin' nice one. Maybe the SD rounds are in there for 'added difficulty', kind of like how playing a game with a fork jabbed into your eyes adds difficulty too.

It's around this point (after removing the fork) that I noticed a distinct anti-american bias starting to creep into the game (I guess the stole all the czech's beer at some point or another). Namely, the AK47 in the game hits with all the force of two gasoline-covered nuclear warheads and has laser-level accuracy. And, while the US rocket launcher can't even hit a barn (from the inside), the enemies' one can reliably take down fucking helicopters from 500 metres away. Likewise, the US sniper rifle tends to go straight through enemies, leaving bulletholes behind them but not actually hurting them in the process and being less accurate than the AK in the bargain. REALISM! No, fuck that, FIRE THE LASER!

The rest of the game is about as well polished as a fucking war crater, too. Basically every feature from OFP has been taken and made shitter in every way. Tanks handle like bumper cars, trucks handle like bumper cars, helicopters handle like bumper cars, and planes handle like fucking richard simmons.

Sound:
Sound's a mixed bag. While the guns' sounds are generally okay, most of the mounted machineguns sound more like somebody fucking a goat, and the explosions from destroyed vehicles (assuming you convince the enemy to fire on their own vehicles, as the pissile launcher you use doesn't even work very well as a suicide weapon) sound like somebody fucking the guy who's fucking the goat.

Czecholand apparently has some sort of fetish for goats.

Graphics:
Upon loading a level, my initial thoughts were "Hey, these graphics are kind of decent".

Then, I tried to turn and my FPS suddenly descended into negative values, and the game backed up so far that it un-started itself and I was returned to my desktop. Fuck.

Trying again, I finally found the 'sweet point' in my configuration to get a good FPS out of the game. That is, everything set to "low" or "off" and in 640x480 resolution. On an intel conroe extreme with a 7950GX2. what.

The graphics engine in this game is fucking shit beyond description. I can't think of many ways to describe just how particularily shitty this game's engine is, but here goes anyway:


  • This games' engine made me pregnant, then forced me to have an abortion. This is impressive considering that I'm male.

  • This game's engine is actually that. A physical engine, torn out of one of the many trabants that drive around Czechistania and converted to software form.

  • Upon visiting earth, aliens played ArmA, and noticing how slow the engine was, decided that humanity wasn't ready for contact yet.

  • This games' engine was responsible for the holocaust, and also ressurected Hitler. And then had sex with him.

  • This games' engine makes me want to play GUNZ ONLINE.


Nope. Just isn't any way to put it into perspective.

Overall:

Five The Monkies out of two groups of The Beatles, and that's being kind."
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Re: Armed Assault (Score: 1)
by Starkweather on Thursday, March 08 @ 06:17:26 EST
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I pretty much agree with you, sweetheart. A hard, texas-style prison rape would leave me feeling less violated than how I feel after playing Armed Assault.


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Re: Armed Assault (Score: 1)
by LoneWulf on Saturday, March 17 @ 06:39:04 EDT
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What a useless review. Just for one thing, the M4 uses a three round burst mode while the M4A1 has a full auto mode. You can find this on bloody wikipedia (let me help you here, it's at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M4_Carbine). While ArmA has indeed been a disappointment, most of the points raised in this article are completely missing the point.
D00d, if you have a job, I hope it's not writing articles such as this one. Go and do something useful, like helping elderly people cross the street or something. :P


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Re: Armed Assault (Score: 1)
by FallujahDogs on Friday, March 23 @ 22:29:03 EDT
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Seriously, this is the most accurate review I've ever seen. I've seen many reviews written by mentally disabled people. These 12 years old kids don't know what the realistic combat is. They just sittin' on a front of their computer screen, shootin' bad guys in virtual battlefield and keep screamin' "I'm an experienced soldier!".

oh BTW, LoneWulf, I suggest you to go back to your mom's and tell her to help your masturbation.:P


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Re: Armed Assault (Score: 1)
by turkeys on Thursday, May 17 @ 15:31:00 EDT
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go back to wow and rape little night elves with your orc.


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