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Halo: Reach
Posted on Saturday, October 02 @ 20:39:00 EDT by Suislide
[XBOX 360] Action Game Reviewsdownwiththegov writes "Well, so after ODST epically failed, Bungie thought Halo would die out and wanted to produce this video game. And they did. And they shit on my chest, stole $60, and somehow, the game is still somewhat fun. Here's why...

I would like to start out this review with a short review of the Halo Reach Beta. It sucked. Period. Even though its a beta, it still was terribly put toghether and questioned if Halo Reach was going to suck my cock or have its cock sucked by me. But even though the beta sucked, I bought the game (I must have been high).
-I sold ODST soon later... 2/10

Campaign- So the story starts out and you're this team of Spartans (Jorge, Jun, Cat, and a few others and you). You're on a planet called Reach and you have to rape some bastards, get to some place, rape some more bastards, and then fall down fucking dead. That's pretty much what it is because about 85% of the time I found myself in a run-and-gun shootout, or ripping the balls of some big orange faggot (aka Elites), and jetpacking to different areas. Actually, the Armolr Abilities are pretty cool, but too bad they don't shit against the covenant.
-Boring. End of story. 4/10

AI- Oh God, this must be a gas station bathroom because it smells like shit and nothing is functional. I mean really, the AI in this game is FUCKING HORRIBLE! It's worse than Kane & Lynch 2. Fuck, it's worse than Hour Of Victory. All of your AI friendlies are retarded cumslappers who only think shooting a bullet will kill a fucking Hunter. I mean really does reticle bloom (also new to this game) have to apply to the AI? Also, they either drive vehicles so slow you have do get off it, or they drive so fucking fast and they end up driving off a cliff like a dumbass. The enemy AI is too accurate, and they're literally hitting you with a Plasma Pistol from across the fucking map.
-Please. Bullet. Head. Now. 1/10

Matchmaking & Custom Games- I might as well stop finally playing Quake 4, because its actually OK for a console game. But obviously it is a lag fest with noobs, faggots, retards, campers, little kids, and the one thing I do like which is naked girls is sadly not in here... but anyway the multiplayer is kind of fun despite all of this.
-Just make sure you brought your towel. 5/10

Firefight- It began from a game called Halo 3 ODST, probably one of the worst video games put out on the market that somehow triumphed... because of Microsoft & Bungie robbing your pockets. So, unlike ODST's terrible piece of shit this firefight is along with online play the only truly enjoyabe part. So you can now actually customize the game to make it fun so you aren't Bungie's sex slave anymore. I literally made a gametype where you were pretty much raping armies of grunts! It was fun... but map variety is still extremely low and doesn't make firefight look complete.
-Insert dick in Grunt's mouth. 7/10

Forge- When Bungie released their video about Forge World, I was like "Holy Fuck, I'm gonna make the place just one, giant, continuous map and its gonna be so fucing awesome up their ass!!!" But, sadly, Bungie lies. The Forge World map is nothing more than just six areas in one big map, which just makes the framerate worse than it already is and spawns the most pathetic glitches. Honestly, I think this was rushed to production. You can put a lot more objects which is cool and somewhat enjoyable, but the new coordinate system is terrible. I actually spent 10 minutes lining up two walls perfectly. Besides Forge World, don't bother, because the other 8 maps have so little forging options that it makes you want to go to China and blow the fucking place up.
-Ssssoapy. 3/10

Theater- I wish I knew what the fuck this is than just more than a film editor.
-*author punches himself.* ?/10

Conclusion- This game had me thinking if Bungie really cared or not, but some fun parts like Armor Abilities and Firefight were outweighed by terrible as hell AI, boring story, annoying forge, little map variation, and a rush to both production and the porn shop.

Good Bye Halo. We might forget you.

Final Rating- 4.5/10
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· [XBOX 360] Action Game Reviews
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Re: Halo: Reach (Score: 1)
by puk on Sunday, October 03 @ 05:59:56 EDT
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What the hell is forge? SVN?

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Re: Halo: Reach (Score: 1)
by Dick_In_Your_Ass (EMO on Sunday, October 03 @ 15:03:54 EDT
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This is the only halo game I'll ever buy.

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Re: Halo: Reach (Score: 1)
by ZippyDSMlee on Sunday, October 03 @ 18:12:16 EDT
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Nie to see halo being put in its place,, please diss biocock as much you gay fckers!!! :P

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Re: Halo: Reach (Score: 1)
by Lizardman ( on Tuesday, October 05 @ 18:57:11 EDT
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Halo? When I played this I thought I was playing some screwed up version of Star Wars Battlefront on my old console having an orgasm.

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Re: Halo: Reach (Score: 1)
by Ape_Shall_Never_Kill_Ape ( on Thursday, October 14 @ 12:48:01 EDT
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Moar liek Gaylo: Reach-Around, amirite?

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