Spec Ops: The Line
Date: Thursday, August 02 @ 21:01:32 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews

Spec Ops: The Line is the latest in a series of shitty generic, linear, brown, bald head marine cover shooters. This game defines the term FUCKING GENERIC, it's like they just tried to find what is overused and overdone in the industry and followed it ALL to a T. Spec Ops: The Line should be renamed Shit Ops: I'm going to put a gun in my mouth and fire until the blackness comes because I'm so fucking bored. I know, the title is pretty long, but only a title that is long and overdrawn can describe this turd. Read on for my exciting, astounding and beautiful review of Spec Ops: The Fart.

So the moment I started this game the only thing I could think to myself was oh god no, they made a generic shitty cover shooter....I was still at the fucking menu. All I could see was a ton of brown and a huge smattering of bloom over everything so that you can't fucking see. I start the game and LO AND BEHOLD, I'm a fucking bald headed white American marine...seriously..how many fucking times have the bald headed marine been done? I mean...there is only a handful right: Gears of War, Mass Effect, Halo, Time splitters, Fracture, Killzone, Max Payne 3, Section 8, Dead Space, Resistance, Call of Duty, Killswitch, Kane and Lynch, Rogue Warrior, Vanquish, Army of Two, Dark Void, Quantum Theory, Splinter Cell, Rainbow Six Vegas....Ok I think you get the fucking point. I just listed 19 games which have bald headed marines or cover systems all within the last 3 fucking years. Definitely not overplayed, so the developers of SpecOps were probably like HOLY SHIT WE ARE GENIUS.

So I start the fucking game and the game starts with a shitty turret shooter sequence from a helicopter. HELL YEAH, everyone loves fucking stupid ass turret shooter sequences were you do nothing but blast the same enemies over and over for 20 minutes and try not to fall asleep. That is how they determined the difficulty, by how boring they could make the game and how much you try to stay awake. Right after that your black hawk chopper gets shot down! HOLY SHIT NO WAY! DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING. Then you walk with you and two other troops through some linear bullshit levels that are basically just straight corrirdors. Oh sure, you can see some shit in the distance, but guess what you are in some sand trench that is fucking tiny and with nothing in it. Then all you do is take fucking cover and take pop shots at retarded enemies who just stand out in the open. They literally open their mouths and yell SHOOT ME IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MOVE. THE DEVELOPERS FORGOT TO PROGRAM ANY AI. I swear I heard one of the enemies say that.

So in two paragraphs and about 20 minutes of playing the game we have a cover system, everything is brown, terrible AI, linear corridor levels, huge amounts of bloom, bald marine American marine saying fuck a lot. I'm like...this game would be fucking the PERFECT definition if it had the bloody screen and regenerating health. I get shot...LO AND FUCKING BEHOLD. Literally the same game mechanics as every fucking game ever.

So I kept playing, I struggled for you...my wonderful fans and thought there had to be something of merit in this turd. I was wrong. It was like wearing a shit filled diaper on your head. This game is a fucking train wreck that comes off the rails and slams into an orphanage. The combat is completely fucking weightless in every sense of the word. The guns feel empty and weightless like you are firing a fucking BB gun. All the sounds for the weapons are tinny and basically sounds like someone hitting an aluminum sheet with spoons. You just proceed through linear corridors one after another in blown out office buildings or rooftop bullshit, shooting dumb enemies. All the guns feel exactly the fucking same...why even add other guns to the game if you make them all feel like the same bullshit. I made it about 4 hours in this game and I was about to quit...but then I fucking beat it. IT IS THAT FUCKING SHORT. The story in the game tries to be all fucking edgy too but really all they did was watch Apocalypse now before they made this game and then made some fucking cock sucking version of the same thing. I remember one time I ate some KFC and had to get my rectum surgically reinserted into my ass...it was more enjoyable than this game.

Generic - Brown, Bloom, No Ai, Bald Marine, Cover Shooter, Regenerating Health, Tinny weightless weapons.....just awful


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