Red Dead Redemption
Date: Thursday, May 20 @ 19:43:03 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews

Yeah i said it. This game sucks my balls. Its a horrible concoction of a)shit rockstar has used before, and b) boring. Almost nothing... excuse me... NOTHING is revolutionary about this game; and anyone who thinks this game deserves Game of the Year let alone a 10/10 needs to swallow some buckshot. Allow me to continue...

Graphics- Shit. Just straight fecal matter. Oh you think otherwise? Play a PS3 game from like 2 years ago. Play Yakuza 3. Play Uncharted 2. Graphics aren't even comparable. 'But oh its non-exclusive, for the Xbox too!!11!, thats why it sucks' FUCK OFF. Mass Effect looked better. MASS EFFECT 1 LOOKED BETTER. 'But in HD it looks ghud!' Once again, fanboy, ANYTHING IN HD looks good. Find a Crack whore and an HD camera and you'll be goin "hmm looks damn good to me" before you realize its a crackwhore.

Also everything looks the same. Towns look the same. Landscape, the same.

IGN's judgment: "fantastic art direction: 9.5". SUCK MY LUMPY BALLS.

Sound- Actually not bad. When i gave a shit. Which wasn't very often. The dialog is more often than not a horrible snoozefest. And not only that it doesn't mean shit whether or not you listen to it. 'BUT OH HES GOT AN IRISH ACCENT' so the fuck what? ok hes irish? does this have ANYTHING to do with the plot of the story? NOO!!!. To be fair, it doesn't necessarily need to have anything to do with the story. But good voice acting is fucking worthless if the story is more empty than a 14 yr old's box of kleenex. Guns sound like guns, revolutionary i know.

IGN mentions the soundtrack, and although it is interesting at times, THEY FUCKING STOLE IT. Its not original AT ALL. Look at the soundtrack from another rockstar game 'Bully'. Same shit. Same music. Maybe changed like .2% of the notes to make them sound more westerney.

IGN's Judgment: "Superb voice acting and wonderful soundtrack: 10". Once again, suck a dick.

Gameplay- This is the worst part. Im not gonna be the first to notice this, hell even IGN mentioned it, but this game IS MINDFUCKINGLY EASY. Auto-target is a joke. I shoot faggots from MILES away with ease. As if it weren't easy enough, they also give you dead-eye, which they sorta stole from another rockstar game, Max Payne. So now you never lose. Armed with this knowledge, the game becomes boredom town, population 0, because by now, you've killed yourself.

Quests are also a bag of vomit. Who the fuck thought rounding up cattle is a fun part of this game?? Or using a lasso. 'BUT OH ITS ALL WESTERNEY NOW' stfu. Its all repetitive bullshit. Do this, kill a bunch of these fags, RIDE WITH ME TO A LOCATION 14 MILES AWAY, find some treasure, round up cattle, save my love interest, etc. Literally 95% of the quests have NOTHING to do with the story, but ill get into that later.

Be prepared to do nothing but travel with Red Dead. In fact, most of the game your either A)riding to a quest B) Riding with some goon to do a quest or C) Finding a location to hang yourself. In Fact, i had my mom check on my in my basement throughout my playtime. And on 13 of those 17 check up times, I WAS FUCKING RIDING SOMEWHERE. Warning: Be prepared to get to a quest location, then the quest is to ride elsewhere, then back. ENJOY! There are some 'side things' like gather PLANTS, and SHOOT SHIT. But only the mightiest of homos do this.

Multiplayer is garbage. Play Uncharted 2. More customization, and fun. Seriously its fucking horrible. I kinda wish i threw a grenade into a delivery room instead of attempting Red Dead's multiplayer.

IGN: "Great variety, great combat, and a great multiplayer mode" LOLOLOL.

Presentation- Lol. Just Lol. As i mentioned earlier, 95% of the time your doing quests that have NOTHING to do with the story. Its as if Rockstar had like 10 quests for the story, then they made a bunch of meaningless scenarios to fill up the gameplay. Nothing makes any sense at fucking all. You kill a group of bandits for no fucking reason and thats IT. No mention later, NOTHING. BUT you needed to do it to continue the story. I already mentioned the riding, but yeah, its just an attempt to pad gameplay time. Oh yeah, the side quests are stupid as shit, ALWAYS.

The morality shit is stupid as hell too. So if i kill some bitch out in the open your meter goes down toward 'badass'. But good morality is FORCED upon you. Most of the main quests don't even allow you to be a badass. Or if they do allow you, the game doesn't even tell you that you can do one option or the other. Some quests crucial to the storyline force honorable points on you. So how can you not be honorable? 'But you can go and kill random people!' STFU. The faggots who made the preview for this game acted like you can make A FUCKING CHOICE every single quest. Eat a smelly taint-hair. Its just fucking stupid.

Not until late in the game do you make 'choices', but like GTA4, THEY DON'T MEAN SHIT. Ok so i killed that guy instead of helping him, now what? Nothing. GOTO YOUR NEXT QUEST. Forget this ever happened.

What little story there is, i dont give a shit about. So he wants to go home or something? So he has to kill this guy? ah fuck it. Characters are stupid, the events are ridiculous, and you do so much worthless shit for them. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.

Also, John Marston (protagonist), i hate to break it to you fanbois, hes a faggot. Hes not a fucking badass at all. Hes a giant gaping pussy. All he does all game is bitch. In fact, there is a quest line, where literally he did nothing but say 'if we dont do what i want now im gonna put a bullet in your skull'. COOL, i thought, until he doesn't. In fact, he says it throughout the game. AND DOESNT DO SHIT. He does WHATEVER the NPCs want him to. Do you have a choice in this? No. Because your a fanboi pussy, and whatever Rockstar wants, you do.

IGN: "A powerful story and remarkable characters. Tons of depth, but it doesn't quite have the perfect polish that most Rockstar games exhibit: 9.5". POWERFUL? You call this powerful? I DON'T GIVE a TEASPOON of my own SHIT to this story. DEPTH? ahh... fuck it.

To Sum up, Red Dead Redemption sucks ass. Its a shame too. It looked like it could have been a really great game. But once again i've been fooled by clever marketing. Notice the IGN homepage background. Yeah, IGN's review has been paid for.


This article comes from Video Games Suck

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