Date: Thursday, April 07 @ 11:33:55 EDT
Topic: FPS reviews
In case there weren't enough shitty Minecraft FPS copies, here's another one with russians! By the way, that's the actual name for the game. ALL IN FUCKING CAPS. With a name that shitty it's already hinting that this game will do nothing but waste space on your drive.
I first saw this game when a 10 year-old who made it into my friends list played it. I saw it was free so why not try it? The reviews were mixed though. I ignored them (bad decision) because most reviewers are fucking trolls who fuck dead raccoons and live in an abandoned shelter. I instantly regretted that decision. It has awful graphics, awful mechanics, awful sounds. Heck, if I was involved with the developing process of this game I would've killed myself already. Oh, and guess what? This game has been in Early Access for almost 1 year now. And it literally hasn't changed at all.
I haven't played this piece of cancer for a while so some of the information stated below may be inaccurate or more accurate than ever:
Graphics: Holy fucking shit they're WORSE than Minecraft's graphics. If you've played that game you'll know what bad graphics are, but BLOCKADE 3D takes this to a whole new level. Pretty much every single block in the game has PLAIN colors. Have you seen the character models? They're laughable at the point where you wonder if there are actual human beings developing this game. Your back looks like it's been twisted and broken like holy fuck. And the guns. Look at them. It's gonna take you more time trying to figure out what gun you're holding than finding a good Early Access game.
Gameplay: Minecraft graphics with shitty gun models and shitty shooting mechanics! Would you like more? Sure! Here's a tank that will make you kill yourself! Seriously, if you dare to play this game don't try using the tanks. They're fucking horrible. The controls are so bad they're good. They also have some sort of aim assist that aims at THE BLOCKS and completely ignores the enemies. Brilliant.
Ok, moving on to the next thing, you can build shit in this game. Every time you respawn you are given 64 blocks so you can build whatever the fuck you want. Also there's actual "gravity" for the blocks so they don't float in the air and instead they just ignore all kinds of collision and fall. And you take no fall damage. There's not even a sound that plays when you land.
And another thing: this game has items (weapons and gear and some other shit). But you have to pay REAL MONEY for them. There's a helmet that HALVES headshot damage. And the stock guns are so shitty that you'd probably do more damage with a plastic spoon. You can also WALK FREELY IN THE ENEMY'S SPAWN. THERE IS NO SPAWN PROTECTION. What the fuck?
Sound: I'd spare them on this one if the game was made like in the 16th century or so, because holy shit, the sounds will make you more retarded than you already are. If you're gonna play this game, mute it. Or unplug your headset. Or unplug your computer, that's way better. If you wanna give someone permanent brain damage, play this game, plug your headset and tell them to put on the headset. You'll see results in less than 15 seconds and you can get away with it, too! Maybe this is the actual purpose of the game, we may never know.
Story: Nothing to see here, fuck off.
Sometimes I wonder how it's possible for a human being to develop a game like this one, release it and make little to no changes at all over the course of 10 months. Like, is it bearable for them to play this? Is this an FBI instrument used for torture that got leaked and managed to make it into Steam? Or the developers are a bunch of autistic kids? Nah, that was really offensive. An autistic kid would've done better.
tl;dr: The average Steam review is better than this game.