Date: Monday, September 29 @ 08:09:16 EDT
Topic: FPS reviews
If you have even a fraction of a brain, you already know this game sucks donkey balls, but you might be surprised to learn just how hard it sucks. Seriously. Even Sasha Grey doesn't know how to suck this hard.
Full disclosure: I DID NOT BUY THIS GAME. I'M NOT THAT FUCKING RETARDED. My roommate pre-ordered the game for his PS4 because he's an actual faggot who enjoys getting his asshole pounded by big nigger dicks. I decided to give the game a shot so that the rest of you don't ever have to touch it.
Well, it's a piece of shit. You already knew that because it's from Bungie, the same people who ass-raped us with the Gaylo franchise for ten years and started the regenerating health craze that killed the FPS genre, but you don't know just how bad it is until you actually sit down and play it for yourself. I was actually shocked at how terrible it is. I've seen my dog take some pretty big shits, but this is far worse.
The whole "idea" of this fucking game is that it's supposed to be "social," whatever the fuck that means, but it doesn't work because THERE IS NO WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH ANYONE ELSE IN THE GAME WORLD. It's fucking pathetic. You'd at the very least that Bungie could include basic voice chat, since the Halo games had voice chat, but it's not there! Literally the only way to communicate is to dance around like a drunk cumslapper faggot and hope that the person next to you is gay enough to take an interest. Seriously, they actually put a fucking dance button in this game. It looks stupid as hell and adds nothing to the experience.
So the "social" bullshit isn't there, but what about other basic features that were included in the Halo games, like vehicle boarding, dual-wielding, Forge mode, and theater mode? Nope. They're all missing. Bungie had a $500 million budget for this game and I guess they blew it all on cheap anal hookers. Well, I hope they all got AIDS because they've apparently just broken the world record for fastest-selling new IP, which means we have to put up with ten more years of this bullshit.
So what else is there?
Campaign- LOL. Bungie advertised an epic journey and promised that exploration would be a major theme of Destiny. Well, the entire campaign takes about 6-8 hours to finish and there's no exploration at all. Any time you try to walk out to a river or a mountain in the distance, you hit an insta-kill barrier and fall through the fucking geometry. That's gayer than Siegfried and Roy, and those faggots probably trained their tigers to fuck them in the ass after every show. Every mission is the exact same thing, you protect your floating robot from waves of aliens while he fucks around on the computer. That's it. That is the extent of the mission variety in Destiny. There are only four playable areas, and all 20 of the missions take place in them which means you'll be backtracking and repeating yourself a lot. 2/10, fucking pathetic from a company with $500 million to blow.
Story- The story in Destiny is thinner than an anorexic Brazilian supermodel. The most you get is a single line of dialogue from your gay robot before and after every mission, and none of it ever makes any sense. He just spouts a bunch of gay-sounding proper nouns that don't mean a goddamn thing. It's fairy tale bullshit set in space. You have no idea why you're doing what you're doing. There are no real characters either. It's worse than just having one-dimensional; there are literally no characters in this entire game. Every single line of dialogue is pure expository bullshit. It's so bad I can't even be sarcastic about it. My Little Pony probably has a better story. 0/10, not even worth a second thought.
AI- The enemies in this game are all dumbasses with Down Syndrome. At one point, I shot a heavy with a rocket and he just stood there and stared at it blankly until it blew up in his face. Then he didn't die because the heavies in this game are ridiculous bullet sponges, and he continued to stand there and stare at me until I shot him with another rocket. That's the laziest AI I've ever seen in one of these shitty AAA games. Boss battles are boring as hell because every single one is a goddamn bullet sponge with only one attack pattern (shoot, shoot, shoot) and no ability to respond dynamically to anything the player does. Honestly, I expected the AI in this game to be pretty good because it's the one thing that Bungie did well with Halo, but it was dog shit the entire time. 0/10, absolutely pathetic.
Voice Acting- Normally I wouldn't even mention this, but the robot's voice acting is so bad that it deserves its own category. The VO is some midget named Peter Dickless and it sounds like Bungie held a gun to his head in the recording booth. I could practically hear his eyes rolling hard enough to snap his ocular nerve and shoot out of his tiny midget head. 3/10 for the unintentional humor of listening to professional actors say things like "that wizard came from the moon" and talk about "mind cores" and "machine gods".
(At this point in the review, I'm actually going to take break to pinch one off because I can't even think about this game without getting bored out of my fucking mind.)
(Now I'm back.)
Patrol- Patrol is explore mode, which basically just means grind mode since there is nothing to explore. You free-roam the four playable areas and kill enemies over and over again until you gain enough XP to level up. That's all there is to it. There are "side quests" too, but they're the most bare-bones side quests I've ever seen in my life. Literally, there are only five types of side quests:
•Scout an area
•Scan an area
•Kill some dudes
•Kill one dude
•Pick up stuff by killing dudes
None of them are given any story justification at all. Some fucker from an NPC faction tells you to do it and you just do it. I'd had enough of Patrol after 20 minutes of forcing myself to play it. 1/10.
Competitive MP- Gay CoD-ified shit, but it's even gayer than that. There are no private lobbies or custom games of any kind in this game. That's right! The only way to play is by joining Bungie's gay "Crucible" playlists. You earn victory points for winning matches, which you can exchange for gear, but if you try to do that, you actually have to talk to some faggot named Lord Shaxx who wears a goddamn fur coat and acts like he's the shit even though he does absolutely nothing at all. The maps are shit, the game balance is atrocious, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, there are literally only two game modes. That's right. Deathmatch and "Control," which is basically just Territories from Halo, and who the fuck liked Territories? That's right, nobody liked Territories, because it was a game type designed by faggots who like the feeling of blowing cum bubbles out of their gaping assholes. 0/10.
Graphics- Even the time-honored AAA crutch of awesome graphics doesn't apply here. Destiny has okay visuals, but they're nothing special, probably because Bungie decided to cross-develop for nine-year old consoles from last generation. Each planet environment is distinctive, but there isn't much variety within the playable area. As usual, all the really pretty stuff is inaccessible skybox geometry. 5/10 because this is Destiny's only positive aspect.
This game had me wondering if Bungie really cared or not. I think they figured they could get away with making a shitty game and spending most of their budget on the marketing, and the sad part is that it looks like they were actually right. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the new CoD! It's shallow, repetitive, lifeless, and boring as hell, which means it's going to sell 10 billion copies and add another wing onto Bobby Kotick's mansion.
Fuck me, Mohammad, this industry is truly dead.