Date: Monday, August 11 @ 20:01:06 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews
Ubisoft does it once again and decides to bombard us with another fucking terrible video game. They basically took Assassin's Creed and set it in the most inaccurate version of Chicago that I have ever seen. Not to mention, the game has uPlay which simply the worst fucking software on this planet. If there was a software version of AIDS, it would be called uPlay. Anyways, click the read more button so that we can get straight to the fucking bullshit that is this game. And if you are wondering why I haven't written a review in awhile, it's because I'm fucking busy. I'm an adult now and shit, why the fuck don't more people help contribute articles? Lazy fucking assholes!
The first thing you will notice straight away when starting this game is that it run's like absolute dog shit but somehow manages to also look terrible at the same time. It really is a fucking amazing feat when you think about it. The programmers are so bad at Ubisoft that they made a game which looks inferior to many other games out now, including Sleeping Dogs, but it also runs like old people fuck. The graphics in this game were, ONCE AGAIN, bullshit fucking hype marketing shots which had absolutely no basis in reality. The real game looks fucking hideous with piss poor textures everywhere, bland looking environments, boring character design, and a simply uninteresting looking world. Even the main menu runs like shit in this fucking puke pile. All of the lighting effects and other better looking stuff that we saw in the trailers seems to be completely absent from the game. It looks dry, stale, bland and just incredible uninspired.
Anyways, so the game starts off with you being some super elite hacker who got into some bullshit and now wants to get revenge on some people that killed his family. Now you think, the story would progress and as you unravel the mysteries, you find the true villian with shock after shock. WELL IT'S NOT. What I described is pretty much all that happens. You do missions to track down one fucking guy to get revenge and NOTHING ELSE FUCKING HAPPENS. Learn to write a fucking story Ubisoft. So you start doing some minor missions where you track some people down, stealth around, and then execute a target. RINSE AND FUCKING REPEAT. You end up simply doing the same bullshit over and over again until you win. Didn't they already fucking make this mistake with Assassin's Creed 1? How do you repeat such a huge fucking blunder?
Let's move on to the more important parts, the gameplay. So the big fucking thing in this game was the sweet hacking you could do all around town. Change traffic lights, blow up pipes, raise bridges, omg so fucking amazing! Well all you do is just press Q and it magically happens on the screen. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? You hype this huge fucking hacking dealing and it is simply PRESS Q TO HACK. The gameplay is all downhill from here too. The combat is clunky, slow and atrocious, which, is fine considering that they tend to stress stealth. Well the AI in this game is so fucking dumb that you can literally just walk right past everyone without them noticing. Note to mention, when they do notice, it has to fill up the alert bar until they actually take any action. Pretty much every section you can just wander past everyone. It's the same old fucking problem that all the Assassin's Creed games have, it isn't real fucking stealth.
The game also has you driving cars, obviously, and it manages to be the WORST fucking part of the game. Considering that the car sections are literally like one third of the game, you should probably make sure the controls dont SUCK COMPLETE FUCKING ASS. It is laughable how bad the car controls are. You want to turn? Well if you even TAP the button, you do a fucking 90 turn. The environment also seems to have no weight to it as you can just blow through everything on the street with nothing even remotely slowing you down. Also, if you haven't noticed but the trains are all fucked up in this game. I don't know what the fuck is going on or who decided to approve this shit, but all of the trains do like 90 degree awkward ass fucking turns. Also, they instantly stop like fucking magic if you move in front of them. Do they even have anyone to test the game? Fucking canadians.
So that's it, Watch Dogs is a shallow, ugly, boring, repetitive, and uninteresting game across the board. The main character is less charismatic than a piece of cardboard and stays flat as a board throughout. Nothing to good to see in this shit package.