Max Payne (mobile)
Date: Monday, August 11 @ 19:39:29 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews
"They were all dead. The final gunshot was an exclamation point to everything that had lead to this point. I released the trigger. And then it was over.." as Max Payne classically begins...
Ported by: War Drum Studios
Platform: Android / iPhone?
: Max Payne is an epic vicodin-fuled third-person shooter based around a dark noir / dark comedy / graphic novel story about a renegade cop out for vengeance after the murder of his wife and kid. I'd get Max Payne trilogy on PC as well as Alan Wake if you enjoy good third person shooters with rich storylines like this one.
: Graphics and performance should always be fuckin tied together. Game engines should be optimized for the target device or ported through the source engine personally by Gabe Newell. So, to fucking get on with it, War Drum Studios who also ported gta3 and vice city did a great job, nuff said. This'll run fine on single core PowerVR 5xx phones from 2011.
I maintained a nice cum-smoothy 30fps on my resurrected Galaxy Nexus from 2011 without any overclocking. In a few heavy gun fights, I casually popped out, like some Russians gaping out some lucky 16-year-old in a shipping container, then opened up trickster and clocked the gpu and cpu up 15%, popped right back in.. like a well spit-lubricated asshole. Some cretins may be incapable of doing this; go fist yourselves without lubrication, then root your device with SuperSU (not that water trash CWM su or any other excuse-for-a-cum-stain superuser), and overclock in trickster. This is just a recommendation for people with phones dating back to 2011 and prior. This should run on a Droid X (2010) and newer just fine tho.
: Just to be clear, I played through this entire game no problem. If you haven't tried playing a fps on a little touch screen before, I'll explain how this works, and it DOES work in Max Payne as well as you could ever hope for. You use the right and left sides of the screen as virtual touch joysticks; the right side for aiming is actually more mouse-like than anything. There are lots of options in Max Payne for controls, right-side sensitivity, and level of auto-aim. I used free-aim, 100% no auto aim, cause I possess testicles. For when enemies are numbers and gun battles heat up, you got the Matrix-inspired slow-mo button and slow-mo shoot-dodging that Max Payne is famously known for.
There are resizable buttons on left/right sides for everything else. Learning curve is 1-2 hours to proficiency. If you're some faggy console gamer / excuse for a failed abortion... probably longer, and you'll need autoaim. If you usually play the Wii, this just isn't gonna work. Spend the $3 on a new tie and autoerotic-asphyxiate yourself to death for failing at life.
: Du du du, du duu, du, du, dudu du, du du du..[/Max Payne theme] Anybody who isn't overcum with giddy ejaculatory frenzy nor gets an O-ring tingle when playing Max Payne should do the following:
1) lie on your back, plant a funnel in your asshole (no lube you over privileged piece of shit)
2) pour in toilet cleaner and bleach
3) take a hose and duck tape one end to your mouth, the other to your asshole
4) Yell at the top of your lungs while inhaling the resultant chlorine gas: "I'M A STUPID FUCKING CUNT" over and over.
That's specific cause it's a real suggestion for them cunts who don't appreciate Max Payne.
: Let's get serious for a sec, k, gettin serious nig.. So, is it worth $3 to have Max Payne on your phone for when you're getting a shitty blowjob or waiting at the doctors for a colonoscopy? Mother fuck yes.
----- 10 / 10 ----- (Perfect example of a game worth porting to android and a job well mother fuckin done, mother fucker.)