Thief (2014)
Date: Wednesday, February 26 @ 20:52:30 EST
Topic: FPS reviews

Well they did. They fucking ruined the Thief franchise worse than Deadly Shadows with this stupid fucking reboot for no reason. This game takes everything fun, exciting, interesting and unique about Thief and throws it out the fucking window for poor level design, terrible AI, shitty fucking characters, and a general blandness that will cause you to forget about this barbed club of a turd an hour after you play it. I like to call this game a BLD. That's Bacon, Lettuce and Diarrhea. Well click read more to learn just how bad these fucking cocksuckers ruined the Thief franchise and put it up there with failures such as Deus Ex: IW and Dragon Age 2.

This game is 20GBs of fucking garbage, and you will feel dirty after installing this shit on your hard drive. This game have fucking numerous problems ranging from absolute bad game design to, well, pretty much everything else. As a game, it's fucking terrible, as a Thief Game, it's a fucking abomination the likes of which mankind has ever seen. I would equate this game as being equally as offensive as the Holocaust and 9/11 put together times a hundred. I am literally dumbfounded to the point where I don't know where to begin describing this piece of shit, so I guess I will break it into sections that detail how fucking awful this game is. Right off the bat, let me say that this game looks like it had like eight different fucking development teams. It is simply a mish-mash of fucking terrible ideas all shoved together. LET'S BEGIN SHALL WE.

Graphics: The graphics in this game are OK in some ways but fucking terrible in all the ways that matter. The actual detail on characters faces, textures and lighting for the most part are OK, so you are thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS IDIOT TALKING ABOUT? Well the developers thought it would be a great fucking idea to get rid of all of the color from the game. Thief has this terrible fucking filter on the game that looks like they drained the life from the game and it's grayscale. All of the levels look exactly the same because it's just a mish-mash of grays, browns, with slight hints of greens and blues here and there. The only orange/red in the game is from the fire or lights but you are trying to be in the dark. The character designs are fucking terrible. For some reason Garret has like 50 fucking belts on his character. Why does he need so many fucking belts? What is this, a fucking JRPG? The character design doesn't even make sense for the world. The original Garret looked like an average guy and could easily blend in or look like anyone else on the street. THAT FUCKING MAKES SENSE. This Garrett looks like a fucking weirdo freak who covered himself in belts and a tiny cape. Apparently, he also had time to put on eye-liner along with his shitty fake not girlfriend that they introduce in the beginning of the game. When you can't even design a character that is supposed to fit the narrative of the game, you know you are fucking trouble. Another disgusting fact of the game is that Windows have this ugly ass blur texture on them so that they aren't transparent. COCK FUCKING FORBID YOU CAN LOOK THROUGH A WINDOW. Nope. Trash fucking consoles won't allow for that.

Level Design: WHAT FUCKING LEVEL DESIGN? The original two games had giant fucking expansive levels that you could search from any direction at your will, only having to accomplish your mission objectives based on difficulty. The first games easily had some of the best level design in existence with the Constantine's Mansion that caused me to shit myself muliple times, or lets not forget the Bank and Life of the Party maps from the first game. Absolutely enormous to where you hop across rooftops until getting to a large tower that you can search every floor of. THIEF 2014 TAKES THE OPPOSITE DECISIONS. Thanks to garbage console hardware, all of the maps are tiny and filled with a million fucking loading points. Your first mission is simply a linear romp through some random ramparts, which OK, I can forgive, they threw in a training mission. But then you keep going and realize all the levels are the fucking same shitty fucking design. They are basically boxes with a few paths through them that all lead to narrow tunnels in and out of main objective portions. Your choices are basically either use some elevated area, or sneak around a guard or two. There really isn't any numerous fucking choices that existed before. Not to mention, the levels are all chopped up into a million fucking pieces worse than Deadly Shadow. There are so many fucking loading points that you will hit them by accident. There is even a level where two thirds of it, you just walk through doing absolutely nothing. It's supposed to be scary I guess, but due to the awful fucking sound design, it's really annoying and gives me bloody cum from anger. This is literally THE ONE FUCKING ASPECT that they should have tried to nail as it was one of the most important portions. The level design is so fucking bad that you can't even use rope arrows wherever you want anymore. YOU CAN ONLY USE THEM IN A SPECIFIC AREA. Gone are the days of trying to find a creative way to sneak into an area or hide from an enemy. Remember when you could shoot rope arrows in the Tricketer's lair and climb around to avoid being killed? NOT IN THIS FUCKING GAME YOU CAN'T. IT LITERALLY HAS LESS FEATURES THAN A GAME FROM 1998.

Artificial Unintelligence: THIS GAME HAS WORSE AI THAN THE ORIGINAL FUCKING GAME FROM 1998. HOW IS THIS EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE? Did anyone even playrest this shit or did they just come up with some alpha system for the AI and decided to keep it without bug checking it at all? The game works similarly to the first in that you have a light gem, and hiding in darker areas will cause it to go dark meaning you are hidden. Well apparently, it barely fucking matters. I walk right past guards all the time without even thinking about it and they don't even fucking notice it. I had one guy detect me and all I did was climb up on a balcony and that was IT. HE FUCKING COULDN'T FIND ME. Apparently the AI is completely unaware that there exists fucking space above them, or they can only see in two shitty dimensions. I had two fucking guards chase me and I hid in a closet in front of them. THEY LOST ME AND GAVE UP. They couldn't fucking find me at all. HOW EMBARRASSING. There has been numerous times where I've walked right in front of their fucking faces and apparently they didn't get paid that day because they just let me right in. ATROCIOUS AI.

Sound Design: Holy shit, another facet of the game that is worse than the original. In the original you could use the sound to determine where guards were located, and it would change based upon what surface you were on. Additionally, if you could sneak close enough you could eavesdrop on conversations that the guards were having, such as good ol Benny The Guard. However, this game is so fucking broken that when someone talks, NO MATTER WHERE THEY ARE ON THE MAP, it sounds like they are right fucking next to you. How do you fuck this up so bad? It doesn't help that the writing is absolutely atrocious now with guards repeating shit about cock rings to themselves. Literally the guards will walk around and have conversations with themselves. They repeat themselves fucking CONSTANTLY too saying the same shit about wanting some coffee. HOLY SHIT, HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO SAY IT? Fucking awful sound. Embarrassingly bad.

The Miscellaneous Shit: So in the new Thief you can still go around stealing shit BUT GUESS WHAT. STEALING LOOT ISN'T REQUIRED FOR ANY OF THE FUCKING MISSIONS. You think a game about thieving you would have to steal a certain amount of shit to make ends meet here and there but NOPE. You use your gold to buy shit but apparently you can't fucking carry anything. When you start you can only carry five fucking arrows and then have to upgrade your quiver. IT'S A FUCKING TUBE THAT HOLDS ARROWS. A QUIVER IS SUPPOSED TO HOLD 20 FUCKING ARROWS. This whole system barely fucking matters anyway, as you can just pick up bottles and knock fucking everyone out with them. There are millions of bottles all over the place, so do not fear, BOTTLE CITY BABY. This is also another one of those fucking games where it has to play an animation every-time you do something. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN DO SOMETHING DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD. This is supposed to be more fucking immersive but it just takes me out of the game because I'm constantly losing control of my character. Just fucking pick it up, I don't need to see Garrett's fucking dirty ass hands every-time he grabs something. The only nice part about the game is that they give you options to turn all of the garbage object markets, highlights, and other shit off in the options, but this doesn't change the fact that the game was designed around. FUCKING FOCUS MODE? ARE YOU SERIOUS? Yeah, we need a button to highlight everything on the screen because we are apparently all retarded with downs.

Cutscenes AHOY: THIS GAME HAS SO MANY FUCKING CUTSCENE THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIP MY BALLS INTO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. I played for about an hour and probably watched at least 9 cutscenes in the game. Next fucking missions, same bullshit, it starts with a cut-scene, and then I get interrupted throughout with a cutscene. CAN I PLAY THE FUCKING GAME PLEASE? IT'S NOT A MOVIE. IT'S A GAME. USE THE GAMEPLAY TO TELL THE STORY. The original games played an interesting hand drawn cutscene to further the story and to introduce the area and your motivations. THEN YOU NEVER LOST CONTROL OF YOUR CHARACTER UNTIL YOU FINISHED THE MAP. STOP TAKING CONTROL AWAY FROM THE FUCKING PLAYER YOU FUCKS.

NO JUMPING: Great idea! It's always a good idea to take features out of a game, and introduce shitty things in their place. You cannot fall off ledges, or jump off wherever you like. You can only climb on certain objects that the developer wants you which basically gives you even less fucking freedom. OH AND THANKS FOR HIGHLIGHTING IT WITH WHITE PAINT. DID YOU GET THAT IDEA FROM TOMB RAIDER. So you don't even have to experiment with what areas you can go to, it's all highlighted right for you because someone spilled some paint for you! Fucking add a fucking jump button in

Haha, the story, good one: The story in this game is balls to the wall retarded. You start off as LAWL GARRET THE MASTUR THIEF following some stupid bitch in a parkour level (oh yeah some of the levels have parkour bullshit). She then falls into a fucking pit of people using magic and disappears while you lose your memory. WOW AMNESIA. ORIGINAL PLOT POINT PLEASE DON'T STEAL IT. Then you come back and the city is infested with plague. DIDN'T I JUST PLAY DISHONORED? I watched the ending on youtube because I got so bored with this game and it was absolutely one of the dumbest piles of shit I have ever seen. You should watch it and just be in awe for yourself.

The fact that they didn't even get Steven Russell to voice the characters shows that this game was made by abunch of money grubbing dick heads. They took out everything that made the Thief games original, fun and exciting and instead replaced with a mediocre experience that is bland and uninteresting in all aspects.


This article comes from Video Games Suck

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