Indie Game Blowout: Part 1
Date: Sunday, January 26 @ 20:01:49 EST
Topic: Site News/General Bullshit
HERE WE GO. I got a decent bonus from my job this year and what better fucking way to spend my money than to blow it on mediocre indie game titles? None of the good stuff like Wasteland 2, Pillars of Eternity, or anything like that are out yet so instead you will get random shit that I purchased because it was super fucking cheap! Some decent games but most are mediocre crap that I found incredibly dull and/or boring. So without further ado here is a collection of indie game reviews for:
Antichamber, The Binding of Isaac, Deadlight, Eldritch, Giana Sisters: Twisted Dreams, Monaco, Nihilhumbra, Papers Please and Pixel Junk Eden
Antichamber: This game was kind of neat for about 45 minutes and then I lost all interest because it's another game where all you do is fucking walk around and solve meaningless puzzles. Give me some fucking narrative please. Anyways, so the game is a mind bending map that you travel through with all sorts of various endings and crazy map styles. Some of the mapping things that they accomplished like having hallways change as you walk through them, moving different ways through a map and shit like that that causes things to change and take you to another area that may have been. It's pretty neat but overall, who gives a fuck.
The Binding of Isaac: What the fuck is this garbage? A flash game from Newgrounds? The game is some top down shooter where you play as a baby fighting in a nightmarish world representing his abusive mother or some shit like that. All you do is run around fucking Zelda looking maps shooting fucking bubbles at boring ass enemies. This game should be a fucking free to play flash game
Deadlight: A side scrolling zombie apocalypse game where you run from zombies and solve some boringly simplistic puzzles. You play as some guy named Randall who is escaping the zombies and runs into some fucking military guys that all seem to want to kill him for some reason. The whole game you basically just run to the right really fast or solve some incredibly simple puzzles that involve maybe moving a box. The game took me like three hours to beat and it turns out you are a fucking murderer at the end for no reason. The whole game is pretty fucking dull and not really worth it. It doesn't bring anything interesting to the table.
Eldritch: Holy fucking dog turds, what is this a shitty ass minecraft modification? This game is fucking horrible. First of all, it has the same shitty pixel "OH LOOK AT HOW FUCKING RETRO WE ARE" graphics that like 90% of the other fucking games out there have. It looks like a shitty minecraft mod but attempts to be a horror game as well. Really all you do is transport to fucking non-sensical maze-like levels and wander around picking up bullets and shooting fucking brain dead enemies. Seriously, the level design is fucking horrible as it's just a shitty mish-mash of boxes and whatever the fuck the mapper felt like doing at the time. I could squeeze my cats ass over the keyboard and the shit hitting the keys would create a better levels. Anyways, you find some item you need in each level and then rinse and fucking repeat a million times. BORING. Put some fucking effort into your games. Please.
Giana Sisters: Twisted Dreams: I bought this game by mistake as I thought I was actually browing pornhub for Giana Michaels videos. Imagine the fucking rock hard boner I got when I thought she had a sister and was having some fucking "twisted" dreams with her. My dick went flaccid when I found out I actually bought another shitty side scroller. On the plus side, it's better than most of the indie games as it has decent 3D graphics with some nice detail to them. You play as two little sisters who are having a dream and with the press of a button you can transform the nice dream into a nightmare world. You go around each level collecting these gems and switching between the two sisters to accomplish that goal. The game is fucking hard as shit though later on considering that you get hit once you fucking die and go back to the last checkpoint. Overall, not bad but it doesn't really bring much new to the table.
Monaco: Some multiplayer jailbreak game that is like a top down rip off of PayDay. Guess what? IT HAS PIXEL RETRO GRAPHICS. Fucking hooray. These indie teams are getting about as creative as AAA titles. If I wanted to fucking play Payday, I'll fucking play the better looking version of the game called Payday.
Nihilihumbra: I may have spelled the name wrong but who really gives two dicks? HOLY FUCKING PRETENTIOUS BATMAN. This is the single most self-righteous pretentious ass game I have ever played. You play as some blob from the void who roams are INCREDIBLY boring side scrolling levels solving shitty fucking puzzles like MOVE BOX ON TO SQUARE TO OPEN DOOR. Should I bash my fucking head in with a baseball bat so that this game is actually a challenge? You can later paint the floors on the levels later on with ice and shit but it really doesn't add much to the gameplay. The worst part is the fucking narrator in this game. Constantly saying shit like "You don't belong in this world! You must escape the void" "Jump for your freedom" and "The Sunlight provides the rays of hope." I made most of this garbage up but the narrator just says this stupid ass pretentious crap CONSTANTLY. Please kill yourself whoever made this game, you aren't that good.
Papers Please: This game, while having retro pixel graphics, is actually pretty fucking good. Who would have thought a game where you stamp peoples passports could be so fucking fun? The game takes place in some USSR styled country and you are working on the border and have to approve travels, immigrants, workers and visitors that are coming into the country. The reason the game is so fun is that the rules are constantly changing and becoming more difficult as the security constantly gets breached. You have to check the validity of passports, work permits, fingerpints during work hours in order to get paid enough to feed your family. It's pretty damn good and I think the game actually has multiple endings depending on how you approved people into the country.
Pixel Junk Eden: Last and fucking least is Pixel Junk Eden. Is this even a fucking game? All you do is launch a fucking blob around a map and collect dots on the fucking screen. Did I just plug in my fucking Colecovision? What a pile of shit