Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag
Date: Wednesday, December 11 @ 21:04:04 EST
Topic: Action Game Reviews
Well Ubisoft does it once again! They have made another incredibly fucking boring game which is just a rehash of the same shit that has happened fifty fucking times before it. I mean this game is even painful for me to talk about so much so that I had to snort cocaine just to stay awake to write it. It's barely working. So AssCreed, which is another yearly franchise like of Call of Dogshit, comes out with a sequel where you play a pirate but he does some assassin stuff and none of it really matters. Anyways, just click the read more, there isn't shit to say about this game really but I'll do my best.
So this game starts out with you in some new fucking lab in the future where they turned the animus shit into a way to make movies. There is this awful sequence where you walk painfully slow and at a super low field of view towards an animus just so you can get the actual fucking game part where you want to be. I'm actually glad they cut this animus shit way down because it was fucking AWFUL in all of the previous games. They would have been way better if they just made them a historical period piece without all the retarded science fiction diarrhea. But Ubisoft is comprised of french-Canadian retards so what do you expect? Once you get into the actual game you play a fucking pirate who wants to get rich which is fucking decent, I would vastly prefer to just pirate around with my pirate bros. Instead the first thing you fucking do is kill an assassin because, you know, these well trained sneaky assassins are no fucking match for some stupid pirate that we are just introduced to.
This is the exact fucking point in which the game becomes TWO games, one being fucking decent and the other which is fairly fun but marred by the interjections of the other one. The first game is the same pile of rotted diarrhea dog shit that we have played before where you FOLLOW GUY A, CHASE GUY B, ASSASSINATE GUY C. They didn't even fucking try to make it any fucking different, it is literally the SAME FUCKING STUPID AS BEFORE. Hell, even the previous games had more fucking mission variety than this crap. At least Havana and the other towns are way more fucking interesting than the shitty colonial towns in the previous game but that isn't really saying much. Exploring Rome and the other cities in AC2 was still infinitely more interesting. The other part of the game is BEING A FUCKING PIRATE. You can float around the ocean, board ships, kill people and steal fucking booty and pussy all day. This portion of the game is actually kind of fun as I wish it was just simply a fucking pirate game BUT NOPE. HAVE TO MAKE IT AN ASSCREED GAME because of shitty fucking name recognition.
Additionally, Ubisoft has improved ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. This game is a fucking example of laziness in the extreme. They didn't fix any of the issues with the camera going fucking bananas when you get too close to a wall, or the clipping issues. They didn't fix the retarded running than will magnetically attract to certain fucking objects even if you don't want to be. The first half of the game is still a giant fucking tutorial. Seriously Ubidick, this is like what? The fifth of sixth game in the series? WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER FUCKING TUTORIAL OF ALL THE SAME SHIT. WE PLAYED IT A MILLION TIMES BEFORE BECAUSE YOU KEEP HASHING OUT THIS SHIT. Anyways, the pirating parts of the game are fun with upgrading your ship, plundering and blasting other ships on the sea and then selling the booty. You can get all sorts of different weapons for your ships with more powerful cannons, mortars, front firing guns, ramming upgrades. The AI on the enemies boats is decent enough as well and with the slow movements of the sail boats actually puts up a fairly decent challenge with some of the boats.
THEN YOU GO BACK TO THE OTHER SHIT WHERE YOU JUST FUCKING FOLLOW A GUY AND THEN KILL SOMEONE. It's so fucking boring and the combat is still atrocious where if you just mash the left mouse button you will instantly take everyone out with no effort whatsoever. Occasionally you have to press E to counter, but counter in this game really just means INSTANT FUCKING KILL. There is no challenge at all when it comes to these portions of the game. At least the graphics are pretty nice with a pretty good looking ocean, huge storms that come out, going over large waves, lush trees and tropical environments so no complaints there. JUST THE SHITTY TERRIBLE ASSASSIN PARTS. I don't even care about the story either, you just go after some stupid Observatory to get rich and that's about it. It's really fucking boring. Overall, this is just two games that were mashed into one with half of it being the same garbage that Ubisoft has released before. This game is diarrhea city.