Video Games Suck - Shadow Warrior

FUCKING FINALLY. 2013 has been the year of replaying old games because there has but nothing but fucking SHIT this year. Seriously, with like two exceptions, there has been absolutely nothing to fucking play this year. 2013 is literally the worst year of video games that has ever existed and it is thanks to shithole companies like EA, Activision and Ubisoft. Anyways, the creators of Hard Reset came out with another game and its fucking awesome. While it is supposed to be a remake of Shadow Warrior, it is in a thematic sense, but it is more like a new painkiller. But who gives a fuck because the game is fun as fucking shit. Click the read more button so I can insult your intelligence with my lack of proofreading. Fuck the tea party.

The game starts out with a short introduction scene with Lo-Wang singing to some terrible songs and you find out that you have to take some stupid fucking sword to Zilla. THEN IT FUCKING STARTS. I'm glad there wasn't too much bullshit ahead of the thing and got straight to the fucking mayhem fest. You run around with a katana slicing the fuck out of every moonface that you can see. The bodies fucking slice apart and blood flies everywhere. It feels satisfying as fuck to get some super fast katana swings in and just watch the bodies dismember. The basic plot of the game is that you have to collect three parts of this katana in order to kill some cum guzzling demon. The story is pretty mediocre but lets talk more about the gameplay because it's fucking awesome. There are also a ton of secrets in the game as you collect items like Ki Crystals for magic powers, Karma to unlock skills and upgrades and use cash to upgrade your weapons.

The powers pretty much suck complete ass for the most part with a move that pushes enemies down, a shield, and a small health regen move that you will constantly try to use and fire off your gun instead. But lets talk about the guns instead because thats all that fucking matters. You get revolvers, flamethrowers, the badass katana as I already mentioned, rocket launchers, a demon heart, a flaming demon head thing, the fucking four barrled shotgun, and a crossbow gun. All of the guns feel fucking awesome and pack plenty of punch, as well as containing upgrades for them that actually show you the gun changes (A BIG FUCKING HINT FOR BIOSHOCK INFINITE). Also, you can FUCKING CARRY ALL OF THE GUNS AT ONCE. It's about time that they brought this back. Swapping out two weapons all the fucking time is boring, give me a giant fucking arsenal to cause massive amounts of destruction. However, nothing beats the fucking shotgun in this game that is so fucking meaty that it causes enemies to explode. Not to mention, you can fire all four shotgun shells at once and watch multiple bodies fucking explode in a gory mess. I'm getting a blood boner just thinking about it.

The game also has the physical environment thing going on to kill enemies with various items that explode and electrocute enmies throughout the game. Using a variety of weapons, movies and explosions will give you extra bonus karma that allows you unlock shit. So enough about the backend systems, you go through these fairly large levels and go from area to area blasting the living shit out of every enemy you can see. Blowing off their arms and legs, disabling them, blowing them up and massive amounts of gore filling the screen. The combat is so fucking satisfying that I don't really know the last time I was this satisfied with the combat like this in a first person shooter. It's no fucking bullshit, no fucking shitty ironsights, no red penis jelly rubbing all the screen, it's just a bukkake of death in front of you. The levels are pretty damn long too with most lasting about 30-50 minutes depending on how much you search them for items. The game is well over 10 hours long too which is pretty damn good for a FPS. Not to mention, the environments are pretty fucking varied as you go all over from asian towns and temples, to factories, harbors, underground bases and snowy mountain fortress shit. Even the fucking boss fights are pretty good as they dont just involve shooting him until he dies and require a tiny bit of strategy.

The difficulty ramps up pretty smoothly as well. Now the enemy AI is pretty basic as fuck, but it doesn't really matter because they need to just run at me and fucking DIE. Anyways, the game takes out all of the generic racist humor from before. I miss the YOU NO MESS WITH LO WANG and other generic racist asian stereotypes. The humor in this game is pretty fucking 50/50 in that some of it is funny and other times it falls so fucking flat. They needed someone actually funny to write the dialog, which probably shouldn't be me. The only other issue with the game is that there is a save system, but there isn't a fucking quicksave button and the story takes itself too seriously sometimes.

Lo-Wang is back mother fuckers, and he is killing demons with a four barreled shotgun and a katana in an orgy of blood. It's about time someone brought back old-school style shooters.

8.5/10

Edit: Well for the first time ever on this website, I have actually made a mistake. THERE IS A QUICKSAVE BUTTON! I don't know how I missed this but it's F5.