The Bureau: X-Com Declassified
Date: Monday, September 02 @ 10:49:51 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews
From the first moment that this game was shown, everyone on the planet knew it was going to be a diarrhea sandwich covered in semen. Now that it is actually released...everyone was 100% fucking correct. This game was originally supposed to be a first person shooter set in the 1950s, but they decided that being a FPS wasn't generic enough, so they changed it to a fucking third person cover shooter. There are definitely not enough third person cover shooters on the market that all provide the same fucking boring gameplay, so lets take a cool early franchise and make another cover shooter. What a bunch of fucking shit. I hope the company that made this game goes out of business as they are fucking useless.
The game starts out where you are in a base and some fucking aliens attack, and then basically the whole intro sequence plays out as the standard tutorial bullshit that we have all seen a million times before. You shoot enemies behind cover and then "guide" two units to follow you, use special moves or move to another location to take cover. The first fucking thing you will notice about how awful the shooting is in this game. All of the weapons feel stupidly weak, under powered and in general, relatively ineffective. The best weapon in the game is the M14 because its the only gun that can hit enemies from a distance with a decent fire rate. Even the alien weapons have terrible spreads and shitty fucking range. The feel of the weapons and firing in this game is just fucking awful that it will blow you away at how terrible someone could make it. Enemies barely react to getting shot and OF COURSE, when in cover, leave body parts exposed for you to shoot. That's right, this fucking amazing alien race that came to Earth to take it over, is so bad at tactics that it's soldiers leave their bodies exposed to have limbs shot off. Anyways, the tutorial is pretty generic and relatively boring, but the main game starts when you start going on missions and then it turns into a real SHIT fest.
Your companion AI is among the dumbest fucking pile of garbage on this planet and even micromanaging them as best as you possibly can, they will die like fucking idiots constantly. So the first mission you go on after you go into the base and do some generic talking with people, you will find that your teammates are RETARDED. They will run out of cover randomly, stand up instead of ducking and get blasted by a turret, and then run around like idiots when moving to multiple positions. DONT FUCKING MAKE A GAME AROUND COMMANDING TEAMMATES AND MAKE THEM FUCKING RETARDED. The worst part is at the end of the mission a giant fucking space ship attacks that you have to shoot out of the air while enemies flank you. Every five fucking seconds, my soldiers would die even when I told them not to move from behind cover. It's fucking horrible, this combined with the absolutely awful gun combat just makes for an overall TERRIBLE game.
Most of the missions are the same stupid bullshit where you basically fight some aliens in some OBVIOUSLY designed locations. Walking down the street and WOAH ALL THE SUDDEN KNEE HIGH WALLS EVERYWHERE. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? That's called fucking bad game design. The environment should blend in and look like an actually environment. Was there knee high walls everywhere when soldiers were going through European towns in WW2? NO. So you have a homebase thing where you can upgrade your characters and start new missions, which just furthers the bad game design. It's another case of STORY MODE and ACTION MODE being split apart so while you are on missions all you do is shoot and then have story time with aliens and friends in the base. This game uses a useless dialog wheel as well which plays no bearing on anything because everything the characters say is SO BORING and SO DEADPAN that you cant even listen to it.
I don't really know what else to say about this game, it's pretty shit-tier all the way around and the graphics are boring as well. Boring and bland and just overall uninteresting. I don't even feel like saying anything more about this game, we should all do our best to forget this turd ever happened. Or maybe we should use this game to kill the aliens who invade. They will die from boredom and amazement of how a game could be so shitty.