Date: Wednesday, April 03 @ 21:01:47 EDT
Topic: FPS reviews
Irrational Games has released the next Bioshock title (they didn't release that sub-par mediocrity that was Bioshock 2) and well, I'm actually impressed. I went in expecting complete casual console Call of Duty bullshit and while there is a hint of that, the game as a whole is vastly satisfying, visually appealing and Elizabeth's face gives me a giant erection. I would like to stuff my cock between her tits in that dress and cum up her neck. But anyways, they did a pretty fucking good job with this game and it was quite enjoyable. Read on for details cocksuckers!
The first thing you will notice when starting this game is that graphics are pretty fucking impressive. Luckily, the PC users get higher resolution textures and DX11 features. The console version looks like serious shit but that is what you get for being a poor piece of shit who can't afford a decent PC. The textures are pretty fucking good look, even though there is a shitty one here and there but the overall look of Columbia is pretty impressive from both a technical and artistic standpoint. When you first enter the city with giant statues of the founding fathers, large buildings floating up and down on the clouds, city shops and such. It paints a great fucking picture for an intro and is pretty damn good looking. Additionally, the animation across the game is fucking great, from Elizabeth dancing, enemies attacking, swinging around on the skyhook thing, everything looks pretty fucking smooth. Anyone who doesn't enjoy the graphics in this game is probably a fucking idiot.
Moving on beyond the graphics the game has a fairly interesting introduction as you wander through the city of Columbia and learn about all the bullshit going on. How they all praise some breaded fuck named Comstock, the racism and history of the city. The pacing gives you a decent intro in the game and allows you actually explore the world and learn about it. Eventually you hit the point where the Combat starts, which is when you get to choose who to throw a baseball at. At this point, you start fuckin COP KILLIN! Seriously, I killed so many cops in this game I felt like I was playing Grand Theft Auto. I was a bit worried at this point, because the combat at the beginning is incredible fucking dull and stale. You get a shitty feeling pistol and shoot some bullet sponge police officers, or use a VIGOR to turn turrets to your side. However, what I thought would be shit throughout the game actually turns the fuck around straight away
At this point, you basically have to fight your way to Elizabeth and once you meet her is when the game starts getting good. You get some fucking sweet weapons, like a shotgun that actually feels like a power house, grenade launchers, RPGs, and the best weapon, the fucking Handcannon. Nothing feels more satisfying that getting a fucking headshot with that thing and watching the enemies head explode. There are quite a few weapons in the game from your standard fare shotguns, handguns and machine guns, such as a single shot gun that shoots out flame. The combat in this game is much more fluid that previous Bioshocks, which in retrospect, feel quite fucking clunky. The movement just feels much smoother and the combat has more variety. Variety in the sense, that you can swing around this fucking rails and then jump off and smash a guy in the face. There are all sorts of different Vigors to use as well, which are the equivalent as Plasmids. You can electrocute people, set them on fire, cause them to float in the air, some puddle bullshit, send crows after. Now as satisfying as the combat can stay there are a few downsides.
The biggest fucking downside? The 2 weapon limit. It literally has no fucking place in this game and does nothing but hinder it. The previous Bioshocks you could carry ALL of the weapons and it works better. This game would have worked MUCH better if it allowed you to do so...it would allow you to constantly switch through your arsenal to use different weapons for all different situations instead of just using two weapons, and then having to swap when the situation calls for it. It causes these pauses in combat which sever the flow. Being able to switch through a huge arsenal of weapons would keep the flow of the game going and not interrupt it. So FUCK YOU to whatever cuntfart decided to put this bullshit in to appeal to the Call of Shitty crowed. STOP PANDERING TO THEM. THEY ARENT GOING TO BUY YOUR FUCKING GAME. Additionally, while it is nice that you can upgrade weapons and Vigors, I expected them to change the look of my gun like they did in Bioshock. Minor complaint but it still shattered my expectations. Beyond that, while there are quite a few different soldier types, I feel like the enemies are somewhat limit. For the most part, you shoot soldiers but there are special guys like a Burner, Some Crow Guy, a big mother fucking robot Big-Daddy equivalent and Robot's with machine guns. However, you see most of them fairly soon and it just feels like greater variety was lacking.
Anyways, the best part of this game is the writing and only once you pick up Elizabeth. Her AI is pretty impressive as she will constantly react and remark about the situations going on around you. She will notice lockpicks for you to pick up, get shit like Cotton Candy, pick up shit like money, comment about you going into the wrong bathrooms. Or she constantly peeked at me in the mens bathroom. Yeah. She wants to FUCK. The best part, is the game isn't one giant escort mission, WHAT A FUCK UP THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN. Elizabeth can hold her own shit and you don't have to babysit, which leaves you free to kick ass while she throws you money and ammo. Although, the money thing gets a little fucking annoying when she does it every five seconds.
Anyways, back to the writing. You arrived in Columbia, not knowing what the fuck is going on but you learn basically that someone hired you to get this girl Elizabeth from some shitty tower. Anyways, you free her and then attempt to escape the city. Anyways, a ton of shit happens but the writing in this game is pretty fucking impressive and I'm not just talking about the ending. You learn a ton about the history of the city and characters from the Vox Phones, and after you complete the game, you will look back and realize how much foreshadowing and information that didn't make sense, suddently becomes clear. Things like learning there were 122 Bookers before you from the number of coin flips, the lettuce twins mentioning things like "he never rows" which you think nothing of until you reach the Climax of the game. The ending of the game itself is pretty HOLY SHIT, as you take a trip to rapture and learn more about Elizabeth. There are even subtle things throughout the game like when you reach this one station to buy a ticket, if you REALLY pay attention you will notice that certain people are acting strangely and then it turns out to be a fucking ambush. Anyways, the ending is really fucking long and satisfying as well and will keep you interested. The character of Elizabeth, while I want to fuck her titties, kept me interested the whole game and I simply wanted to keep playing because of her. The combat, gets a little dull at points, not terrible, but I got a little fucking bored at certain points when I wanted to just find out what the fuck happens to Elizabeth. Her combined with the Lettuce twins or whatever the fuck they were called were all incredibly interesting and kept me focused.
The game is pretty damn satisfying and while it falters in the combat area a little bit due to the poor console choices, the game is overall pretty damn good. Oh, and some people said that I don't swear enough in my latest reviews so here. Fuck, Cunt, Cunt Fart, Cunt Poop, Cunt Cunt, Fuck Cunt. You're welcome.