Video Games Suck - DmC: Devil May Cry

Capcom is to gaming what Joseph Mengele was to medicine.

Capcom is to gaming what Joseph Mengele was to medicine.

But apparently those jap noodledicks at Capcom made enough money off of 12 year olds with their diabolical business strategy of selling A SINGLE FUCKING GAME 4 TIMES OVER that they could take time off of jacking it to lolicon and afford hiring an independent party, Ninja Theory, to develop this game instead. Capcom had no part in this game and IT FUCKING SHOWS.

Here's the rundown.

Graphics:
They used the Unreal Engine, so there are many low res textures and popins, but they're not really noticeable outside of the cutscenes where for some fucking reason game developers love zooming in onto the characters low-res shitty textures. What saves the day is the art style and design. First of all, in a hack'n slash type of game you want flashy shit all over your screen, and this game delivers. The animations are smooth, the lighting is good, the effects are acceptable, and it all flows together. Environments are diverse and the animations are pretty good as it gets torn apart and shifts around like it's alive and it all feels like you're actually in another dimension. When your character moves around you can see the floors and walls rot and change color, black wires start growing on walls like demonic pubic hair, which I believe was probably a tribute to Capcom headquarters. The facial animations are done well on Dante and the girl, but Dante's brother, Virgin, has the stiffest most plastic looking nazi doll-face I've ever seen. He looks like a fucking bukkaked realdoll.

Apparently every fanboy of the previous games was pissed because they changed Dante's look. I've tried checking out the previous game, DMC4, to see for myself but they literally had the worst fucking PC port EVER. And I'm using that word loosely because it was the console game running on an emulator. That's literally what they did. Yeah I love seeing a message like "press the ( A ) button to jump" on my PC, you cum addicted baby rapists. Apparently you need one of those faggy xbox-pc gamepads they sell in sex shops next to the rubber fists and anal lube. What's the fucking point of making a port then you cunts?! That's as if I made a console version of a game, but you have to find a way to plug in and play it with a keyboard regardless. Capcom should just stick to molesting 30 year old women in schoolgirl uniforms. So it was unplayable, but I couldn't care less, Dante's character looks acceptable enough, except for the fact that he has an English flag on his arm for some fucking reason. Probably to signal his bisexuality and acceptance of incest.

Sound:
The soundtrack for this game is mainly Noisia during the level traversal, witch is boring and unremarkable; but Combichrist during the fighting sequences which is nothing but fucking awesome. Few things are more fun than killing demons while listening to Get Your Body Beat. The voice acting is sparse but surprisingly good. During the few seconds at the beginning of every level where the characters talk it's actually enjoyable. Especially the voice actress for the female character in the game did a great job, as you can feel she actually gave a shit beyond earning money to support her drug habit. There's little to be said about the weaponry sounds, they sound as you'd expect, nothing special.

Gameplay:
Since they used the Unreal Engine, this is not a cheap port. The controls are easy to use and precise enough, with good mouse support. It's Hack'n Slash, what's there to say about that, you mash buttons, sometimes in certain order, try to make it look cool. People bitched the game's too easy, but then again people play it on easy and say that about every fucking game nowadays to sound edgy and tough so fuck those people. The game can actually be a challenge as it offers many difficulty levels if you're lonely enough to play through it 5 fucking times. The fights rarely ever get boring, because you get a new type of enemy thrown at you every other level and the game isn't that long to begin with so you have constant action without much stagnation, and without having to fight the same enemy for hours. The enemies are fun to fight, have unique abilities and methods to kill them. There's this one ninja enemy and he's the single most fun fuck to fight. He can repel your bullets and melee attacks with his swords and it looks fucking great and you actually feel threatened by what a badass he is. He can teleport and dash at you like the sneaky fuck that he is, and it feels gratifying to fight and eventually beat him. The boss fights in this game are fucking kickass too, except Mundus who was way too easy and looked like a power rangers reject villain. They actually made a Bill O'Reilly boss. He's a demon cunt who runs a news network which the demons use to brainwash the gullible lesser members of humanity. So they didn't put in much imagination and digress from reality, but it's still fun to beat that little sanctimonious douchebag closetfag to pieces. Reason enough to love Ninja Theory.

Story:
Eh so there is an alternative demon world next to ours and they want to kill humans and you want to kill them, and I won't even comment on how similar that is to Karas. Dante is a young male beat slut trailer trash, but he gets picked up by Anonymous, or a ripoff of those guys, and he begins giving a shit about the world. And I fucking hate that. In the beginning he was a cool misanthropic fuck and actually relatable. When his brother Vengil told him the world was in danger he just said "Why do you think I give a shit?" Why not keep that? He would've made a great anti-hero, but instead Virgel persuades him with fucking platitudes. At the end of the game he says "This world is under my protection now." Seriously? What is this fucking goodietwoshoes superman bullshit? And again, that exact line reminds me of Karas. Anyway the storyline explores Dante as he learns who he really is and he falls in love with this ex meth addict girl who wants his dick hard and then at the end he passes the chance to rule the world like the faggot that he is and unleashes the demon world onto the human world probably dooming billions of people to a horrible death. The end. I'm not even kidding. Fuck the story.

In summary, this game is a short buttonmasher, but certainly one of the best in the category, so you'll enjoy it if you like the kind.
7/10

Now let's just hope Capcom doesn't make a Super Devil May Cry, a Super Devil May Cry Arcade Edition, a Super Devil May Cry 3D Edition and Super Devil May Cry FUCK CAPCOM EDITION.