Date: Sunday, October 14 @ 18:25:00 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews

So here comes Dishonored which has fucking RAVE reviews everything, probably because Bethesda, also know as, Cunthesda, has the money to give away to video game "Journalist" for perfect scores. The game is an action/stealth hybrid which all of influences is basically taken from Thief 1 and 2, with a little bit of Dark Messiah thrown on top of it. Sounds great? Well, it's a good game, but it's filled with stupid shit and has plenty of flaws. Fuck all the reviewers giving this game retardedly amazing review score, it only supports how fucking paid off they are.

The first thing you will notice when starting the game is that there is actually some PC graphical options. Great, nothing wrong with a port as long as they do a decent job of tailoring it to the PC platform. Then I was like OH FUCK, Even an FOV slider, thank FUCK! only goes up to 85FOV? Are you fucking with me Bethesda? What the fuck is the point of an FOV slider when the only options it gives you range from Bloody Diarrhea to Smelly Turd. Luckily, I found the FOV configuration in one of the ini files and cranked that shit up to 100 SO THAT I CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THE FUCKING GAME. Even with 85FOV, everything feels like I am wearing fucking bionoculars. Ok, but this a minor complaint, let me just move on to the graphics themselves.

The graphics in this game are AWFUL. Witcher 2 came out over a year ago and blows me the fuck away with its graphics, and this looks like fucking dogshit. All the colors of the game are fucking washed out and too fucking bright and I never thought I would say that. Additionally, the textures all look like fucking crap. Seriously, these are some of the worst fucking textures for 2012 that I have ever seen. Bearing that in mind, luckily someone made a graphical injector, of which I promptly installed which helps the game look a lot fucking better. Beyond that, on the art design side of things, they actually did a pretty good job. The art design is kind of 1800s era Britain with a bit of Steampunk thrown ontop so that you have some more advanced technology. I can praise them at least on this aspect as they art designer, whoever the fuck he is, did a pretty good job.

Moving on, let's talk about the fucking gameplay. For the most part, it is pretty solid and can be somewhat fun. The game is a blend of action and stealth but mostly focuses on wanting you to do stealth. So you get an array of weapons such as a pistol, sword, grenades, crossbow with various types of ammo, and gadgets to "hack" certain items to be on your side. So each level is presented to you as a big area which you can traverse around all over, and explore for secrets, or to find multiple paths to the same destination. Similar to what we have seen in Thief and Deus Ex, it basically follows what they do. I.e, take the fucking roof tops or crawl through a rat like the sewers. For the action side of things, the game is pretty fucking fun as you can use your pistol and knife to hack people away and blow faggots away with your gun. Additionally, you have magical powers, did I mention that? No? I'll explain more later then. So you basically use these magical powers to give you another angel, i.e. Bodies turn to ash when you kill them so you don't need to hide them from guards or you can stop time. For the most part the gameplay is decent and semi-rewarding the action combat is fun. It is nice to explore all around the map to try and find secret items, and discovering, multiple paths to get to the same place. I tend to always go back just to keep exploring. However, the stealth in this game is fucking INCOMPLETE.

So the game rewards you more for stealth and non-lethal (and encourages it through story elements) than it does for going all brutal. However, the stealth in this game, while functioning, has two major fucking flaws that ruin. The first flaw of the stealth is that it's TOO FUCKING EASY, you can easily hide from guards when they are right in front of your face, the ash bodies magical spell bullshit causes corpses to disappear. You always have a billion sleep darts as they are littered all over the fucking map. I had to crank the game up the hardest difficulty and even then the stealth in this game is TOO EASY. The enemies need larger fields of view and to notice more shit because right now they are dumb as bricks. Hell, it doesn't fucking help that you can use the teleport spell to show up right behind them. The second major flaw is the action mechanics doesn't work well if you fuck up, because again, there is no punishment. You kick so much fucking ass in combat that when you DO alert guards, you can beat ALL of their fucking asses with grenades, pistols, and your badass sword and magical powers. In games like Thief, or Deus Ex, if you fucked up stealth wise, you could fight sure, but you would get your ass fucking kicked. Look at Thief, you might be able to take on one maybe two guys, three if you are good in hand to hand combat, but beyond that you are going to fucking die. Same thing with Deus Ex (on non-pussy difficulties) where Stealth is key, but you can fight. IF you do fight, you might lose some fucking health or die. In this game, OH SHIT YOU GOT NOTICED? Well who gives a fuck because you can just Dark Messiah the fuck out of people no problem. I got so bored on the last level that I just ran through BLOWING THE FUCK out of everything. Being able to be good at stealth and and combat removes any fucking punishment for being discovered, and serves no purpose other than changing the story.

Beyond that, some of the levels are too fucking easy as well. Like when I had to sneak in the tower to take out the guy who hired the assassination of your bitch or wife or whatever. The level was short as hell and way too easy to sneak around, I didn't get it why previous levels were way harder and longer than this one, perhaps the game was rushed out the door.

So let's about the story a little bit. It sucks cheetah dick. So the game throws you into a universe it explains nothing about and you learn nothing of the characters. ALL THE SUDDEN EVERYONE IS ASSASSINATED AND YOU ARE BLAMED. GEE FUCKING WILLIKERS WHO THE FUCK DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING? So then, you get taken to some Houndspit pub and some guy who you also learn nothing about tells you to kill some fucks to try and get them back and regain power. So you go on these missions because....this guy you just met tells you to, and then once you do enough missions OMG THEY BETRAY YOU TOO. Double betrayal. HOLY SHIT AMAZING PLOT AT FOOT HERE. You feel NOTHING for any of these characters because they are all wooden as shit and have no purpose to your life at all. The only person I can think of that makes a difference in the fucking boat driver and all he does is drive a boat. The magic bullshit in this game is the BIGGEST MACGUFFIN EVER. They just wanted magic powers in the game (probably because Bethesda told them to) and they shoehorned it in the the worst way possible. You go to sleep one night and wake up in gay sparkly magic land and some floating guy with boots says here is some magical powers. Then you meet him occasionally throughout the game and he just comments on the things that you do. That's it. No other fucking explanation or reason for you having magical powers or who the fuck that guy is.

The only non-dick puke inducing portion of the story is the fact that the amount of chaos you cause will effect the girl Emily. The more people you kill, the more fucked up she becomes and it changes the ending from BAD PERSON to HAPPY EVER AFTER! It is cool though to see the drawings she makes become fucked up and draws your mask instead of your face when you go the evil route. Other than that the story in the game is fucking appalling.

So the game has some fun mechanics, decent gameplay, level design and art style but it is marred by the half-ass stealth, terrible story, and horrid graphics.


This article comes from Video Games Suck

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