Max Payne 3
Date: Saturday, June 16 @ 11:12:12 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews

Fuck you Rockstar. I knew this game looked bad from the moment I saw screenshots of a fatass bald looking Max who was wondering around Brazil, because you know, bright tropical slums totally give that noir feeling. Now the game itself isn't terrible, but it is NOT a Max Payne game, especially without the writing of Sam Lake. They really should have just called this Man on Fire the game, because they literally just jacked EVERYTHING from that movie. Read on to hear me complain and use lots of swearing which leads most people into thinking I am 11 years old. Specifically, 11.

So first fucking thing is first, let's get the graphics out of the way. Finally, a game company finally decided to release higher resolution assets for the game and take advantage of modern PCs. So we get higher resolution textures, DX11 effects, and many other things. Also the PC version of the game is not a shitty port as it looks pretty fucking good and runs smooth as butter like all the previous Max Payne games. The only problematic part of the graphics that I can notice is that sometimes when it gets close to textures they look fucking pixellated and I have no idea why, perhaps some stupid texture effect they put on causing that? Either way, the graphics are pretty damn good across the board with the environments filled with lots of detail and quite a bit of destruction is available. The glass shattering looks fucking awesome and shooting someone behind tons of panels of glass shattering is pretty fucking cool looking. Not to mention, all the other clutter around the levels which will get blown apart as you spray bullets everywhere, which was pretty well done. Overall, the graphics are nice but I dislike the fucking art style.

Max Payne 2 still looks pretty fucking good today and I miss the high-resolution phototextures that they used. I mean, fuck me, that game came out in 2003 and and Max still looks pretty damn awesome in Max Payne 2. But that is only a minor complaint, the main issue is ALL THE NOIR ATMOSPHERE IS GONE. Remember at the end of the games when it said "Max's Journey through the night will continue?" Well it fucking doesn't. Now he is in the middle of overly bright levels and jungles fighting brown people in some South American countries. NONE OF THIS IS NOIR. The atmosphere fucking blows in the game. The constant darkness was traded for MAN ON FIRE. Literally, during cutscenes and while you are walking around, the game flashes and has flares just like that fucking movie. WRONG MOVIE TO EMULATE IDIOTS. Max Payne is more akin to The Third Man and other Noir-classics but they pretty much just shit all over that.

Moving right along we get to the gameplay. The gameplay feels pretty Max Payne-like for the most part as you can dive around firing bullets in every direction in bullet time. It is enjoyable for awhile but it gets stale by the end of the game. I mean they put in a fucking cover system because Max has to fucking hide half the time, or use bullet time to just get headshots on everyone. I didn't mind the scenes where Max does some ridiculous stunt in super slow motion to blow away abunch of games. But the game is filled with TOO MUCH BULLSHIT to where it gets tiring and irritating as fuck. The gunplay works but these are the fucking things holding it back besides the atmosphere:

1. Every fucking time a cutscene plays, Max switches from his two handed weapon to some shitty fucking pistol. EVERY FUCKING TIME, and the pistol never has ammo half the fucking time. Who the fuck thought this would be an enjoyable gameplay element? Were they fucking molested as children? Because that is what this feels like

2. THERE ARE TOO MANY FUCKING CUTSCENES. Seriously, the flow of the gameplay is seriously fucking awful as it is constantly chopped apart by 5 minute fucking cutscenes all the time. The story of the game is supposed to be integrated with the fucking gameplay, not just watching a fucking movie. Seriously, you will play for 30 seconds to a minute and then all the sudden you get near a door and Max starts walking slowly. UH OH, ANOTHER FUCKING ANNOYING USELESS CUTSCENE. Seriously, they add nothing to the fucking story at all half the time and serve no purpose but to annoy me.

3. The weapon system fucking sucks. You can only carry three weapons which, again, ruins the fucking flow of the game because now you will be searching and constantly swapping weapons all the fucking time. THIS HURTS THE FLUIDITY. Before, Max just carried all the guns and the action just kept flowing and you switched weapons, this "attempting to be realistic" bullshit is fucking annoying and just hurts the gameplay. FUCK OFF.

4. The stupid fucking turret sequences. NO ONE LIKES THEM. STOP PUTTING THEM IN THE GAME. Seriously, this game has the same bullshit where you are locked into position and just have to aim and shoot at shit as it explodes around you. BORING. Let me CONTROL MY FUCKING CHARACTER. Seriously, I am getting tired of the constant bullshit where developers want me to watch the game and not fucking play them.

These fucking annoyances bring the game way fucking down, so while the gameplay is fun for a time, you end up just getting fucking annoyed by the end and not wanting to play it. Luckily, I struggled through for the plebeians who visit this site. So far we have a non-Max Payne game, filled with cutscenes, nice graphics and some OK gameplay. BUT WAIT FAGGOTS. Max Payne always had a pretty interesting story and some pretty good writing from Sam Lake right? IT'S GONE. WHAT? OH FUCK!

Seriously, Max Payne is a fucking fat alcoholic in this game the entire time and then does nothing but help abunch of fucking tomato pickers the entire game. The worst part is NONE OF THE CHARACTERS are likable. NONE. Passos is fucking lame, the entire family Max protects are just boring stereotypical characters. That seems to be the only fucking thing Rockstar can do is make Mexican and gangster characters. Remember Vinnie Gognitti? and fucking Vlad? Everyone fucking loved Vlad, but they instead give you abunch of whiny fucking retarded characters that you don't even want to help. Also, the writing in the game took a serious shit. Just compare these fucking lines:

"This place is like Baghdad…with G-strings.
These bastards make the NYPD…look like the Hare Krishnas.
While I’d been dead to the world, some of my shipmates…were just plain dead

To these fucking lines from the original game:

The sun went down with practiced bravado. Twilight crawled across the sky, laden with foreboding.

There was no glory in this. I hadn't asked for this crap. Trouble had come to me, in big dark swarms. The good and the just, they were like gold dust in this city. I had no illusions. I was not one of them. I was no hero. Just me and the gun, and the crook. My options had decreased to a singular course.

I had taken on the role of the mythic detective: Bogart as Marlowe, or as Sam Spade going after the Maltese Falcon. To unravel all the mysteries, following a path of clues to that final revelation, even if it would take me down to the cold, cavernous depths of a grave.

Notice how fucking AWFUL it has gotten? This doesn't help either because the story is fucking duller than trying to glue your pubes to your face to pretend you have a beard. Basically, you are hired to protect some shitty Mexican family and then all the sudden they all start getting killed. BIG SURPRISE. Next, you find out it was one of the fucking brothers of the family doing. WOW BIG SURPRISE. Then you go around and kill everyone including that brother and the game ends. HOW UTTERLY EXCITING. Sam Lake must be pissed at how fucking bad the writing in this game is.


This article comes from Video Games Suck

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