Call of Juarez: The Cartel
Date: Friday, September 09 @ 15:15:55 EDT
Topic: FPS reviews
So the original Call of Jaurez sucked absolute shit because they mixed the good action parts with the preacher with some of the WORST fucking stealth sequences even seen in gaming. They luckily fixed this in the 2nd game allowing you to constantly choose which characters you want to be and created a fairly decent and somewhat fun shooter. With this game, they through all that RIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW. Call of Jaurez is nothing but a fucking generic Cowa Doody clone and one of the worst fucking console ports known to man. Did anyone really expect anything less with Ubisoft and Techland at the helm of the game. Read on to find out more about this jizz stained pile of garbage that deserves to be gassed.
Already when I started the game I fucking knew something was wrong because I couldn't skip the stupid as intro cutscenes. BAD FUCKING SIGN. So the game boots up and LO AND BEHOLD. There is fucking mouse acceleration on the menu and all the submenus. I don't know who in their right fucking mind would think that putting mouse acceleration in a menu is a good fucking idea but they would probably be stabbed in the testicles with a pen. Two foreboding signs already were facing me and I should have stopped playing at this point but I decided to go on until I was about to shove razor blades into an apple and eat the whole thing.
So I start up the game and choose the MaCall character since he is the closest thing to the shitty gay preacher in the other games. There are also two other characters, some dyke woman and another mexican douche bag who I don't really care about. The moment the game starts it was already bad news. The Field of View is so fucking low in this game that you can barely see anything. This game has to have the lowest FOV out of any game in existence...somewhere around 45 degrees. I felt like I was staring down a fucking narrow hallway of graphics no matter which way I turned. This wasn't helped by the gun taking up half the fucking screen and for some reason being overly gigantic. Typical console fucking trash, because they have so little power now days that these developers have to shrink the amount you see in order to play the game
So you start out shooting all these fucking cars while someone drives around. I don't know what the fuck is going on so I'm just shooting at cars and they explode and then eventually THREE WEEKS EARLIER. KNOCK THAT FUCKING SHIT OFF. It is the worst and most overused plot device to open a fucking game ever and it NEVER works. Seriously, I think I read fucking terrible comics in the sunday newspaper that had better opening plot devices than that stupid narrative. Don't reveal some later part of the fucking game to me where I have no clue what the hell is going on and then go back and explain it. That is incredibly childish. When I start playing a game, I want to start at the beginning of the story for the character and move beyond that.
So then the game desceds into me running around in a forest on the next mission trying to find some marijuana in the middle of a national park. Sound dumb already? That is because it is. I just ran around firing dual pistols at random mexicans who would pop out from trees. It was the most uninspired combat I have ever seen. The AI literally just pops out and stands there doing nothing but firing. They don't take cover, they don't retreat...they just sit there and absorb your fucking bullets like someone firing a gun at a group of Jerry's kids. I played for about 20 minutes doing this and I became so fucking bored that I hit alt+f4. The sound was terrible, the graphics mediocre and the combat so boring and generic, not to mention weightless, that I lost all fucking interest in it. So after awhile I decide to write this review so I thought I would play some more to get the hate back into my brain for this consolized piece of trash. IT DIDNT EVEN SAVE MY FUCKING GAME. It is all checkpoint saving and it doesn't even save until you get to the next fucking chapter. Awful.