Duke Nukem Forever (Worst Game Edition)
Date: Thursday, June 23 @ 21:17:05 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews
Suislide already wrote a good review of how terrible this game is, unfortunately one bad review doesn't do justice to how much of a shitfest this game is. I take it back Splash Damage, 3d Realms and Gearbox deserve super aids.
Duke Nukem 3d was one of the best first person shooters in the 90's, it even contends with modern first person shooters like Half Life or Call of Duty (Not black ops). All good games.
This is such a faggoty pile of nigger that I'm going to pretend this game only took a few years to develop for most of the review.
Secondly, this IS NOT Duke Nukem. This game should be called Biff Tannon or more appropriately the pathetic washup that plays his character from Back to the Future 2. When first playing this game you realize a few things, they drew all of their inspiration for design from the trashy hotel scene in Back to the Future 2, they had no artists or animators working on their team, and the character of Duke Nukem is turned into an abomination of miserable Chuck Norris and 'America' jokes.
Duke Nukem was a classic badass because he was supposed to be like Bruce Campbell, Slyvester Stalone, and Arnold Scharwzenegger. Not necessarily a parody but more of a tribute, he was badass because he overcame epic challenges, not because he was invincible. Also the "writers" turned him into a beer guzzling Al Bundy. Duke wasn't even that arrogant, he just said whitty one liners, not idiotic drivel in attempt of making a joke. He especially didn't have radioactive symbols all over his fucking clothes and he didn't look like a child molesting ex nfl player about to be convicted of money laundering. There is a portrait of him on the walls of his penthouse that does him no justice. I will talk about this later on.
I ripped on Brink for having shit graphics, but this game makes Brink look like Crysis compared to Doom 1. We're talking SHIT GRAPHICS, worst part is the game shrinks you, but because this game had no artists, the level wasn't designed for you to be shrinked in. So the only reason you shrink is for Gearbox and 3d Realms to brag about how low res and shit their textures are. It looks like they went to vegas, took a cellphone pic of the carpet, lowered the resolution by a few hundred pixels per inch, printed it out, then took another cellphone picture of it, then applied some bump mapping.
The graphics aren't the worst part, the design is what is so horrendous about this game. When I first saw the turret in the "Duke Cave" I thought: "Oh a black rock in the middle of this cylinder tin can." BUT WAIT ITS THE FAGGOT DILDO TURRET YOU HAVE TO USE TO TAKE DOWN A MOTHERSHIP. I use "take down" VERY lightly as the ship slowly sinks after you defeat it, but you'll be too distracted by how fuckawful it looks to even care about the horrible animations in this game.
I've never openly laughed at how terrible a game looks until I've played this game. Gearbox should be sued for ripping assets from Turok 64. One of the alien weapons you acquire looks like diarrhea being poured into my eye sockets, it's low res design makes no fucking sense.
Right off the bat you'll find the animations in the game are the worst thing to exist on earth, worse than a spic stealing your car radio. Duke is apparently incapable of moving his head, neck, and torso area. Why don't you try walking around a day with your back straight up and never moving your neck or turning your head and see how that shit works out
Secondly you will see evidence of their decreasing budget in the art assest for this game. The posters on the walls first to come was the nicely painted illustration that was the cover of duke nukem 3d, a really good illustration that conveys duke nukem like a badass but not a faggot parody like "meet the spartans." Second you will see a higher res painting but it doesn't look like duke as much because his face is too big and greasy and he looks like a rapist, and is wearing the wrong glasses. "Just bad art direction, but at least it SOME art direction." Then around year 7 or 8 of it's development they've obviously had to let almost every artist go because they were so incompetent in developing a game, so the next poster is an overexposed photo of a woman with some horrible generic typeface. Go forward a few more years when they were about to go under, now the poster is a shit asset with a poorly photoshoped hat and a typeface worse than comic sans. After that the posters are probably shitty cell phone pics of the few remaining staffs friends and family.
The level design doesn't help as they are uninspired and boring, just like the gameplay.
Sound: Pathetic, next.
Gameplay: Get ready folks, because you are going to struggle to force yourself to play this shitfest. Most notably, a part in the game was when you went into a miniature car and drove around a shitty looking vegas hotel. Already getting bored? Well not only is the driving mechanic worse than they are on Borderlands, but the flow is constantly broken as you'll have to make tons of stops to figure out were to go (because of the repetitive shit graphics). The whole time I was driving I was wishing I could walk down 3000 flights of stairs instead of have to keep driving, unfortunately my wish went unanswered. Shooting shit feels like you're holding your small dick and pointing it at things, not only do the guns look fucking retarded Duke's attire is hysterical.
It looks like duke went into a Rite-Aid, tore open an "Action Jonny Adventure Kit" and stole the gloves. Why the fuck does everything have a Radiation Symbol on it?
Miserable/10 Any game where I have to fight myself from insta- ALT F4'ing doesn't deserve a number score, positive or negative.
Story: Aliens come for no reason is the plot. More importantly are how horrible the jokes are, the "writers" of this game knew that only the dumbest faggots were going to buy this game, so they knew they had to write jokes for the lowest common denominator. Someone who LOVES "Meet the Spartans" and LIVES to watch the G4 channel, the jokes were written for people that will hold their stomach laughing at the sight of someone peeing in a movie: "BECAUSE HE'S PEEING IS WHY IT'S FUNNY!" You know the type, someone that should be put out of their misery. They also seem to be the faggots defending this shit game.
There is also some idiot part that makes fun of Christian Bale yelling at the director, not only is this gag not funny, but it doesn't even make any sense. The actor that is "acting" like Christian Bale is balding and wearing some shit with flaming skull decals on his shirt, like some shitty commoner.
They also make fun what they think is "Modern Warfares" ending which it isn't, it's only the end of the american campaign. The part where you're in a helicopter and a nuke goes off.
Some faggots like to think that people think this game is too offensive, that the people who are giving it bad reviews don't understand it. NO, this game is offensive because it's poor attempts at jokes that insult the human intellect, if this game had a writer he is the biggest scumbag in the world. He was probably the same faggot that wrote the jokes for those annoying ClapTraps in Borderlands.
Pros: Hysterical fits of stomach grabbing, knee slapping laughter at how horrible this pile of shit is.
Good for curing insomnia.
Cons: The game exists and is an insult to the thinking man.
If this were some shit game that you were given from a happy meal from McDonalds, this shit would be a little bit more excusable. But I would boycott McDonalds for ruining my meal with this garbage. If it were something that took like a year to make and was intended as a faggot webgame like "WARRIORS, THE ELITE SQUAD: ONLINE" and the only thing you've heard of it was a box on a shitty ad popup then it would make sense. But this game took 14 FUCKING YEARS TO MAKE! This is the most miserable pile of shit on the planet, anyone that took part in the development of this cancer should be ashamed.
Anyone that gives this game higher than a 3 is OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MIND.
Faggots paid 50$ for this shit. It's not even worth downloading.