Duke Nukem Forever
Date: Tuesday, June 14 @ 20:02:40 EDT
Topic: FPS reviews
THIS GAME IS FUCKING CRAP. We waited from the announcement of this game in 1997 to 2011 and you know what we got in return? A big ass box full of the stinkiest fucking most foul-rotting festering pile of shit game that was ever released into existence. Playing this game made my dick turn black and rot off and my asshole sealed itself shut after this game. So basically, 3D Realms went out of business because they kept remaking the damn game but they made the whole thing into a giant turd. This game is basically an incredibly mediocre consolized shooter with Duke Nukem thrown on top and about half of his shitty one-liners that you hear a billion times in this game fall flat. So here it is, after 14 years of waiting, here is the ultimate review of Duke Nukem Forever. Give me my money back.
So everyone kind of said this was game was shit after playing the demo but here I was in my gleeful state pretending that they simply didn't know what they were talking about. I loaded up Duke Nukem 3d with eduke32 with the high resolution textures and lighting to kick some fucking ass. Playing this reminded about how awesome classic games were before consoles ruined them and how much more innovation that was in them. Duke Nukem 3D had a ton of unique and cool weapons to kick a shit ton of ass in, and jet packs and a fuck ton of explosions. I enjoyed it immensely.
Fast forward to today, I load in Duke Nukem Forever with immense anticipation and my dick was harder than a 13 year old who just saw the side of a chicks boob. After booting up this fucking game my dick receded back into my body and I put a fucking gun against my eye thinking that this was the only way out. Luckily, I remembered the Alt+F4 button instead (which works marvelously in this game) and shot my cats out of pure sadness. They saw this game and I had to put them out of their misery. It was a mercy kill.
So onto the shitfest that is fucking Duke Nukem Forever itself. The game starts with you replaying the last level of Duke Nukem 3D Non-Atomic Edition by fighting the cycloid boss with some devastators. This is where I knew it all went wrong. Now there is abunch of stuff you can use in the environment like peeing in toilets, throwing poop, soap, weight lifting, pinball, pool, air hockey and abunch of other shit like that. However any time you fucking go up to anything it says PRESS E TO USE. NO FUCKING SHIT. THANKS. I didn't know Duke was a fucking dipshit retard and couldn't remember what his USE key was. This is when I knew this game was fucking consolized trash from 6 years ago. I KNOW WHAT ITEMS I CAN USE. I KNOW WHAT MY FUCKING USE KEY IS. YOU DON'T NEED TO FUCKING TELL ME EVERYTIME. It completely ruins the immersion and kills any room for exploration.
Fighting this first boss with devastators made me so fucking sad because I already knew the game was bad. The devastators carried less ammo and fired way fucking slower than they did in DN3D. It was all downhill from here. After this, you find out it is just a game and Duke is getting a blowjob in which case I was like Hell Yeah. Duke getting his dick wet. Then you proceed to wander around and DO FUCKING NOTHING for a half hour as you wait for the AWESOME story to unfold. Finally the action happens and you are so underwhelmed That you want to cut off your toes and just slowly bleed to death. The combat in this game is fucking slow and clunky as shit. There is never more than 1-4 enemies on screen at once and you use all of the lame feeling arsenal in the game. The pistol is fucking weak as shit and only has 7 fucking shots before Duke Nukem does a slow ass reload. The shotgun is lame and feels powerless. The Ripper is about the only useful weapon besides the Devestators which you barely fucking get in the game. The shrink ray is in the game for about FIVE FUCKING SECONDS and you never fucking see it ever again unless you decide to hang onto it. The shrink ray has a tiny fucking beam distance and is weak as shit and basically a useless weapon. They ruined the fucking weapons in Duke.
The worst fucking part is they consolized it and you can only carry two weapons at a time. GEE. AWESOME. OH MUST BE A BOSS COMING UP BECAUSE AN RPG IS ON THE GROUND HERE. Instead of placing ammo around and letting you choose which weapons you like to use, they basically just spoonfed you the appropriate weapons for the situation. Too bad the combat is so fucking slow and clunky that you won't give a fuck. Shooting enemies is completely unsatisfying and leaves you wondering why you are playing this game. The pig cops are just irritating now as they try to ram you and sometimes carry various weapons. The game fucking LOCKS you in rooms and forces you to shoot waves of enemies. THIS SHIT WASNT GOOD IN DRAGON AGE 2 WHY IS IT GOOD HERE? Everyone knows fucking waves of spawning enemies is just plain BAD GAMEPLAY DESIGN. Apparently Gearbox and 3D Realms are too fucking stupid to know this and that is why this game fucking bombed. Oh and thank fucking Jesus it plays a distorted guitar riff when I'm finished killing the enemies. I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN OTHERWISE. There are never any real encounters where you are just wandering around shooting enemies and moving on. It always locks an area and then you shoot boring waves of the same enemies that they had in Duke 3D.
This game has ZERO fucking innovation. They basically stole all the weapons and the enemies from Duke 3D, introduced nothing new and put out a game. All the levels are fucking tiny straight ass corridors and the levels are tinier than my balls after soaking them in ice cubes. I've never played such a linear piece of shit. Basically they stole the idea from COWA DOODY. Not to mention the game is fucking easy because you regenerate EGO, which is just a bullshit term for the health system. YEAH WOW. Really innovative guys. Regenerating health. The levels in this game are so incredibly boring, poorly designed and uninspired that I was playing for what I thought was 2 fucking hours, I looked at my clock, ONLY 20 MINUTES PASSED.
The worst part is the graphics are fucking terrible and it looks like they finished them in 2004 and then put some irritating blur and post-processing effects over top of them. The LOD is absolutely balls, everything is incredibly low-poly and the textures are a blurry mess everywhere in this game. I am pretty sure the original Far Cry looks better than this turd.
The worst fucking part about this game is that the last boss you fight in this game is the FIRST FUCKING BOSS. Sweet. I fight the same fucking boss twice in the game, which was already the same fucking boss you fought in Duke Nukem 3D. There isn't even a fucking story in the game, the aliens just apparently come back and start stealing chicks again and Duke decides to shoot all of them. Oh and prepare your anus for the butt clenching excitement of TURRET SEQUENCES! WOO! You get to sit there and hold the left mouse button down to make low-poly planes and enemies explode. Oh but don't press too long, the slow firing boring ass sounding weapon will overheat. This is so exciting and innovative than I am going inject cyanide into my balls.
The dialog in this game is atrocious and most of the comedy in the game falls fucking flatter than a set of A-cup titties. Duke has like 3 good one liners but when you are barely kicking any ass in this slow fucking gameplay you just groan and shit your pants in sheer sadness at how bad the audio is. The weapons sound like fucking pea shooters, characters are boring and unenthused, and Duke spits out the same one liners ever five fucking seconds that I shoot an enemy. Seriously Duke, I like the fucking one liners BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't need to hear that you are DUKE A NUMBER ONE EVERYONE TEN SECONDS. Beer and Holoduke in this game are fucking useless because it is so easy and there are no jetpacks. LAME.
I don't have anything more to say about this hardcore shit infested turd of a game. It was 14 years which basically has a slow boring console shooter with Duke Nukem thrown on top to try and get some sales. There is nothing fun about this game unless you like walking around in exciting environments like CEMENT HALLWAY and CONSTRUCTION YARD and maybe solve a teeter-totter physics puzzle which was probably cool about 7 years ago. This is a bad game and it was not worth even releasing. They killed Duke Nukem.