Date: Wednesday, June 01 @ 22:12:21 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews
Ok so right off the bat let me just say that this game gets a negative two points off the score because it uses Games For Windows Live. That means this game cannot score any higher than an 8/10 which is just bad news to begin with. Any game which uses this fucking shit from now gets an automatic two point reduction because GFWL is the biggest piece of shit ever. It is basically the fucking Xbox Live interface on my PC and instead of benefitting anyone, it just makes these fucking shoddy ports crash more often. I want fucking Microsoft as far away from my games as possible because they don't know what the fuck people actually want. Now the first Fable game sucked complete ass because it was basically an RPG-Lite for faggots who have no idea what a real RPG is. In short, Fable is the Dr. Seuss of RPG-games. That is part of the reason why I classified it under the action game because they "streamlined" (which just means simplified for retards) the gameplay so much, it is no longer an RPG. Fable 3 makes Fable 1 look like a masterpiece. Fable is the biggest abortion to video games in the past 5 years. Congrat-u-fucking-lations.
As soon as you play this game, you will already barf at how this game is literally the worst fucking console port ever. Microsoft released ANOTHER fucking press release stating how they care about PC Gaming, and then they release Fable 3 for the PC. This game is basically Microsoft rubbing it's big grimy dick in your face, and it's wet ball sack all over your chin. As soon as you get into the main menu, you can tell they ripped it straight from the fucking XBOX as there is literally no options besides resolutions and TURNING OFF VIBRATION/RUMBLING. Wow, I didn't know my keyboard fucking rumbles! Logitech is really putting in some cool shit. There is mouse acceleration already when viewing the menu which means my mouse moves slower than my grandma with two broken legs and a tumor in her brain. However, this isn't even the worst fucking part, even though it is obviously just from the menu that they put no effort into this port at all.
As soon as the game starts you will notice that it runs like pure fucking dog shit. I thought, wow must have some great graphics later on, but it fucking doesn't. It just has blurry shitty fucking textures, a whole lot of brown, and a shit ton of blur on the game. There is literally ZERO explanation on why this game runs poorly. Witcher 2 looks about 10 times better and runs about ten times better. It is obvious that they were not even fucking trying when it came to optimizing the graphics. The textures in this game are so bad that I thought I was 14 years old again playing my Playstation 2. San Andreas has better textures than this turd of a game and no matter what you do, it won't run faster 30FPS.
The art style is overtly-faggy brightly colored happy-fun-time world at the beginning but as soon as you get anywhere in the game, it is fucking BROWN AND MORE BROWN. Seriously, this game is so fucking brown it makes Quake 1 look YELLOW. Now I only played the game for about fifteen fucking minutes because of how bad this game was. The controls in the game are NOT OPTIMIZED FOR A KEYBOARD IN THE SLIGHTEST. To select anything in this game you have to hold down a button for two seconds, and then release it. This is the DUMBEST fucking system I have ever heard of. I almost burst out laughing and thought Microsoft was playing a big fucking joke on me. Literally, to talk to a character you have to hold down F for two seconds and then release it. WHY? WHY DOES THIS NEED TO EXIST. At this point, I am about fifteen minutes in the game and I could bear it no longer. I was ready to put my balls inside of a meat grinder and cook them up into some burgers.
This game is one of the worst ports ever made for PC, combined with the fact that is a shitty childrens RPG, makes it one of the worst games ever made. OH AND BROWN.