Two Worlds 2
Date: Friday, January 07 @ 21:31:11 EST
Topic: RPG Reviews
God damn, I barely have time to write more of my fantastic reviews but I am doing my best here. Anyways, fuck you, I am not getting paid for this when I should be. So anyways, everyone remembers the absolute fucking TURD that Two Worlds was? It was basically like Oblivion if it was made a budget of 50 cents and a half eaten Arby's sandwich. Well they decided to make the sequel on 3 dollars, aka, slightly improved but still a big fucking turd of a video game. This game is meant to be a sequel but no one remembers the fucking story from the first game so they might as well just start everything fresh. Either way, here is Two Worlds II.
So the first thing you will notice when playing this cum stain of a video game is the ridiculous security bullshit. Everyone with a fucking brain realizes that overbearing DRM methods do nothing to stop pirates but cause legit-owners to get fucking pissed. I had to enter in my CD-Key like 30 god damn just to play this absolute turd of a video game. So one of the first things I noticed about this game is that the graphics are actually really fucking good. The game is filled with absolutely high quality textures everywhere, most likely because it hasn't fallen into the console-effect. Beyond that the character models and are vastly detailed and the environments are large and filled with people and cities. Another nice part is there is absolutely no loading points except when teleporting to another location. The only problem with the graphics are the fucking huge amounts of bloom that they decided to smear over everything. While playing this game, I thought I was staring at the fucking sun and it burned out my retinas. When I finished playing I had skin cancer. Seriously, turn off the fucking bloom if you are going to make a video game or use it in a proper manner which doesn't cause me to want to kill myself.
Beyond the wonderfully nice graphics with the textures and such, the game lacks in every other fucking area. The dialog and voice acting is a new form of pathetic that could only be learned through this video game. Seriously, the main character has absolutely one tone of voice which is deep and scruffy. He shows absolutely no emotion and everything he says is a lame form of sarcastic. Beyond that, all the other characters are fucking boring as hell or they say the dumbest shit with the most poor voice acting you will have ever heard. I feel like I was watching the movie, "The Room" . Seriously, it sounds exactly just fucking like this.
The story is absolutely fucking retarded as well and simply makes no sense. You start out captured in some castle, some stupid goblins then break you out and send you on some quests to stop some evil king who is doing something to your sister. I would love to give you more detail but literally the game explains it no better. After finding all these different artifacts on different islands located in the world, you find out this oracle who was helping you is actually an evil dragon and you kill her. That is the fucking story, no joke. They explain absolutely nothing and tried to make a twist by implementing the most basic and obvious twist that they could use. This story made my penis soft.
Ok so, you may be wondering what about the most important of the game...the gameplay? Well this game is an abomination worst than the holocaust. I felt like a rape victim mixed with an abortion after playing this game. So the developers claim the game is over 150 hours of gameplay so I am thinking, wow it must be a really big world. The game took me exactly 26 hours to beat so it is barely fucking bigger than KOTOR and has a world twice the size so you can guess how fucking empty it is. Looking at the map, there is like 5 small islands and a big ass fucking landmass in the middle. Well you spend like 90% of your time on one island in the desert, jump to a japanese island, and then you got a swamp in a tiny area on the big landmass and that is fucking it. Half of the map you cannot even fucking go to and there is barely anything to do. The combat in this game is absolutely boring as it basically consists of clicking the left mouse button mixed with pushing 1 or 2 occasionally to do some of these special moves. There is all sorts of armor and shit but most of it is garbage and can just be used to craft bullshit that you don't care about. God damn, can you imagine the torture I went through for 26 hours pressing the left mouse button to kill things in the most clunky and shitty combat system known to man?
Two Worlds 2 should have never been made because it a fucking a diarrhea smear of a video game 2/10