Army of Two: The 40th Day
Date: Saturday, October 09 @ 21:15:17 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews
Oh god, a shooter game developed AND published by EA? This ought to be funny, how bad this is. But it's not funny at all, like your fucking dog shitting some hot, slimy diahrea on your chest. This game is so fucking horrible you can't possibly believe this game was actually tested in develpoment. So, if you allow me to continue, this in "Army of Poo: The 40th Fucking Sperm Cell Out My Ass".
This is the sequel to Army of Two (no shit). Army of Two was an okay game, but level design was fucking poor like Kenya and the weapons sucked. Also, the story was completely lacking, as you took odd jumps from like 1993 to 2008. They decided to make a second Army of Two game because EA is fucking retarded, and they patched up the terrible story. Sort of. Everything else got a whole lot fucking worse.
Story: As stated in the former paragraph, the story does not take crazy jumps in time like the first, but it is still lacking. I mean all you really do is go through seven missions, which still have fucking whore-quality variation by the way, trying to escape Shanghai. You still play as Mr. Muscle Faggot and Mr. Bitchy Retard, who are Tyson Rios and Elliot Salem, respectively. Unlike in the first game, where you earn money with each objective complete, you don't get jack shit except the fucking enemies gang raping you from around corners and these really stupid side quests. Like honestly, shooting Maneki Neko cats? That's the most absolutely fucking retarded thing I've ever heard and seen. Maneki Neko cats aren't even Chinese for fucking sakes. Also there are radio logs you can find, but they do absolutely NOTHING, like the Audio Logs in Halo 3 ODST. There is, sigh, even one more side quest, where you have to rescue some hostages. This is one of the FEW ways to make money. But it still sucks, because this and the other side quest completely tear the fuck out of the already horrible flow of gameplay. Oh yes, I almost forgot the completely stereotypical character and level designs, but for more on that, see "Graphics" section.
-Slap that China girl another time. 2/10
Graphics- Get ready for some low-res screwovers, because this game is even worse than the first which I cannot stress enough about how bad the graphics are. Sometimes, the engine has a vagina fart and the walls look like a mixture of red, gray, green, and brown, fucked really hard, then spun in circles to the point where it makes it look like a fucking hobo shit on it. The level design, graphics wise, is fucking boring as hell in my pants and the character design is completely fucking stupid. The characters you can play as, Tyson and Rios, look like steriod-enduced, gay armor wearing versions of different actors from The Day the Earth Stood Still back from mother fucking 1952. I'm not even gonna say how fucking lame the masks look.
-Visual AIDS is trasmittable via this game. 2/10
Sound- I'm gonna make it sweet and simple, and say it sucks erected elephant cock. The sound files for guns are very poorly made, sound effects are just plain blan, and voice acting is the worst of it all. All the characters do is say the same one-liners over and over again to the point where you feel like sticking your penis through a table saw.
-I like it in my pants. 1/10
Controls- EA thought it was a good idea to make the "Heal Partner" button the same as the "Run/Vault" button a good idea, but it just turned out fucking broken. The only redeeming parts are the weapon switching buttons are slightly easier, but the controls still suck.
-Must I explain... 2/10
Gameplay- Here's where she really gets rough on you. So, like I said in the controls section, the broken controls just mean broken ass gameplay in large quantities. The campaign gameplay is an absolute fucking embarrasment out of a monkey's ass, even for a console game. Every level is the same fucking thing just with some minute differences. It's just all too linear and it's the same color. The partner AI is so fucking lamely, penisless, ass-licking, terrible agglomeration of gay, semen, cum, horse farts, and but sex it's not even feasable. I mean, your AI partner can't shoot for shit, does stupid things, and never listens. One time I told him to stay back but he charged into the fight just to be fucking annihilated by a horde of the same fucking enemy. All the enemies look the same, except those huge-ass juggernaut dudes that you can only kill by shooting a canister on their backs. It just doesn't work. The whole "Customization" this game is known for is back, but it's still retarded because this is a shooter/action game not an RPG, where EA thinks Army of Two: TFD campaign is the only thing you're going to play. Don't even get me started on the hobknocking multiplayer. Quake 3 on the Sega Dreamcast (which the servers are still running) still has better online play than this.
-Don't waste your masturbating time. 0 to 1/10
Conclusion- EA wasted a lot of money making an ass retarded peice of cat turd in their mouth with this epic fail. Army of Two 3 will NOT come out, even if I have to force rape everybody at EA Montreal with an ax.
Final Rating- 1/10