Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes
Date: Friday, October 16 @ 00:54:25 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews

Now I'm a huge fucking fan of Star Wars simply due to the Death Star being fucking badass. I loved the Jedi Knight Quadrilogy (Thats not a fucking real world) and remember all the awesome simulators from back in the day. However, LucasArts has shit in our faces and has taken everything you enjoyed from Star Wars and has transformed it into the worst fucking pile of ape diarrhea imaginable. Just to explain, this game is worse than Episode 1 through 3. Infact, it makes those movies actually look like masterpieces compared to this. I played this game for literally ten minutes before I uninstalled it, took the disc out, took a shit, then wiped my ass with said disc and put it into my neighbors mailbox. He will probably blow his head off when he checks his mail next.

Graphics: The best looking part of this game is pretty much the main menu. It looks pretty cool with it's nice shades of blue and fancy animations. Then you start up the game and feel like someone just flicked diarrhea spackles into your eyeballs. The textures in this game are blurry and low resolution, the models are all cartoony and faggy looking, and the level design and art style fucking suck. All the textures indicate that this game was made for Xbox 1 and then ported over to our current systems. They decided to stick with the horrible animation style found in the movies and the tv show, so you have a cartoony looking faggy Star Wars universe. Now the graphics from a technical aspect are pretty ass considering everything is bland and low-poly...but it's really the shit choice of art and level design which make this game look like a dog turd covered in powdered sugar. The level design in this game is so fucking bad that half the time you don't know where the hell you are going. The Camera angles suck fucking dick so you don't know where you need to jump or where the next area. AND ITS ALWAYS LIKE THIS. Just a constant series of bad fucking camera angles. It's like if they wanted you to jump across some platforms, they decide to place the camera facing a mountain 170 degress from what they want you to see. The character design is gay cartoony bullshit and it's pretty much just a gay romp fest all around.

Sound: Well, you can't fucking go wrong with the Star Wars theme so of course we know at least the music is good. However, it's nothing new we haven't heard a billion times before...they just stole the games soundtrack from everywhere else. The worst part about this game is the queer fucking voice acting which gets collided with the rancid fucking dialog. I mean it, this dialog is fucking RANCID. I had to delouse myself after hearing the audio from this game. The dialog sounds like this game was written by a fucking two year old. And not just any two year, an extremely immature one. You play as Anakin, Obi-wan and some other bullshit characters but there is this girl called SNIPS which follows Anakin. HER NAME IS FUCKING SNIPS. And she has the audacity to call Anakin Skywalker....SkyGuy...That's all you fucking hear is WHAT DO WE DO NEXT SKYGUY? Oh my god it's so awful I wan't to bathe in acid. The dialog just continually pounds you up the in ass with a dick made of awful. Seriously, puke audio in all aspects.

Gameplay: This is the worst fucking part, and anyone who has played this game will understand me. The reason I had to shit on the disc after ten minutes of gameplay is literally because the controls ARE THAT BAD. The game is LITERALLY unplayable. The controls are fucking overractive, loose, and just overall feeling of crap. You will have to do the typical platforming shit you see in all other games but finding out where your character will jump or aim is a fucking mystery. You will spend more times falling off the edge of a cliff then actually doing anything important in the game. You just press keys and leap around in what LOOKS like the right direction but then find out you are a fucking million miles off because this game is terrible. Of course they give you a lightsaber...lightsabers are always fun right? just slash things that stand there like fucking idiots while they basically say HEY PLEASE KILL ME. But honestly, the controls are so bad...its UNPLAYABLE. You literally cannot play this game. I had to jump on this robots leg to blow up its main gun, but the camera angle doesn't give you a good view of where to jump, and then the shit controls are so overreponsive and glitchy you just end up jumping around like a fucking idiot until the robot kills you. Puke controls, puke platforming.

Story: I didn't get far enough to get to any actual story but I bet it involved that faggot Anakin taking a ballbag in his mouth from Obi-Wan. Snips probably has a penis as well. The Clone Wars movie sucked dick...why would you make a game out of it?

Literally, this game is UNPLAYABLE 0/10

This article comes from Video Games Suck

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