Resident Evil 5
Date: Wednesday, September 30 @ 00:14:29 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews

Everyone should remember the fucking disaster Resident Evil 4 was for the PC. It was missing all the the fucking special effects and didn't have any mouse support! Any quick time even that happened was a fucking guessing game as to what buttons to press. Sad, because it was the better of the two games. Anyways, Capcom decided to not be a lazy piece of shit and port the game to the platform that is superior to the rest of them and it's pretty decent. These game is pretty fucking fun blowing the shit out huge hordes of zombies in a gooey fucking mess. You get to play as Chris Redfield this time because Capcom can't develop a game that follows one fucking character. Anyways Here is Resident Evil 5

Graphics: The graphics in this game take place from over Chris' shoulder the whole game. Basically it's the same camera and everything in Resident Evil 4. Anyways, the whole game takes place in Africa, so all you shoot is black people. Because of course there is no white people in Africa! Anyways, the character models for your characters are unique and detailed enough, same being for the enemy main characters. What the fuck is with Wesker though? He is wearing the most gay checkered suit I have ever seen in my life. Because whn becoming a big fucking zombie mutant, you have to have the latest fashions. Even though the whole game is in dog shit Africa, there are plenty of variation on locations from shitty villages, to cliffsides, to (FUCKING SURPRISE) underground bases and a big fucking boat. Who would have thought there would be an underground base in a fucking resident evil game? All we need it to do is have some retarded self destruct sequence and we are golden. Anyways the graphics are pretty good, with pretty detailed environments, and damn fucking good art design on the enemy characters. You have probably like 50 different enemies and the animations are fucking top notch. Every character fluidly moves whether they are just walking towards you to eat your face, getting their fucking head blown off, or turning into giant testicle monsters. The giant fucking bosses have especially smooth animation and are extremely detailed. It's very fluid and it looks pretty fucking good. The only thing that bugged me about the graphics was some of the SHIT fucking textures you could see...but this is of course probably the fault of the garbage consoles keeping graphics back in 2005. Anyways, the animations in this game are fucking beautiful and the models and art design are great. A shit ton of different enemies, splitting and mutating in weird fucking ways galore!

Sound: Honestly, the dialog in this fucking game reminded me of a shitty B movie. The voice acting is good for Wesker and everyone else but Chris' just sounds so fucking generic and lame it hurts my ball sack. The dialog is fucking horrendous though with the ending line being Chris asked "Sometimes I ask myself whether it was all worth it" Like WHAT THE FUCK? Not only is that a cheesy piece of shit, it was worth it because if not then the whole fucking world would have died including you, you fucking idiot. There are numerous other instances such as Chris nearly in tears crying about finding Jill. Anyways, the dialog in this game was just poop. However, the gun shots sound fucking great, with the pistol being the same gun sound since the last game. But the exploding heads, explosions, mutating zombies and everything else sound fucking good and the music fits the atmosphere perfectly.

Gameplay: This is the best fucking part of the game and it's highly varied. It follows the same style as RE4 where you get all sorts of different fucking weapons and can upgrade them and make them better to kill more people. You run around shooting the fuck out of a million different types of zombies as they react to knee shots, headshots and everything all differently. Nothing like popping someones head like a fucking grape. This game has Sheva following you the whole time who actually has a gun and will fire as well. But play in COOP with a friend because Sheva has the worst fucking AI in existence. It's seriously fucking terrible. She will blow all of her fucking ammo and won't use grenades or anything. She randomly fucking falls off ledges and doesn't fucking listen sometimes. I shot in the back of her fucking head so many times I can't remember. So I just kept all the ammo for myself and shot the fuck out of zombies. There are a BILLION different types of zombies from just the normal guys, eventually they get shields and spears, and later on they are wielding weapons. However there is all sorts of big ass special enemies where you battle in a huge fucking battle not knowing when they are going to die as you run out of ammo. It's a damn fun game and provides a fucking challenge for once! A lot of the enemies are hard to kill and you have to blow the shit out of them with everything you have. The sheer variety of enemies you face in the game is just fucking quality. The Boss fights are also all unique as well ranging from having to burn the fuck out of them, to shooting them apart, or blowing them up with a fucking laser cannon. I can say though that the final fight with wesker was a fucking let down. You fight a huge fucking tentacle monster on a boat but Wesker is just guy sized and dies pretty fucking fast. Dies just like the T-1000 sadly enough. I also don't like the new gay inventory and prefer the attache case from RE4 where you could actually have some inventory management instead of 9 spaces split among you and Sheva. The stupid ass turret sequences were lame as shit too. I'm all about blowing the fuck out of people but it doesn't fit in the fucking RE game. However, the game is a fucking blast to go through different areas blowing the shit out of the constantly new challenges and new zombies you fucking face. And the gore is absolutely fucking beautiful to where it gives me a hardon. I could impale small animals on my cock right now. The game is a lot of fucking fun and is even funner when you play in coop with a friend and kick the shit out of the enemies together.

Story: The story in this game fucking blows. Wesker is fucking at it again and wants to poison the whole world. Chris Redfield wants to find Jill and surprise Wesker has her under his gay control. Then you find Wesker and stop him from spreading another retarded Virus. Like seriously? Think of something better because the basic premise is WESKER IS DOING BAD STUFF I NEED TO STOP HIM. The story is completely predictable and cliche and pretty much kills the giant boner that I had.

Nothing like blasting fucking zombies apart but RE4 did it better! 8/10

This article comes from Video Games Suck

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