Bionic Commando
Date: Friday, September 11 @ 00:20:06 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews

Bionic Diarrhea should be the title of this game because it's crap. Here is another console port beamed straight from the shitbox to YOUR PC with absolutely no consideration for anything we normally need. Yeah we don't like adjusting graphical settings or fuck, don't change the controls so they actually fit the device the people will be playing with. This title is brought to you by Grin who brought us such great games as Wanted: Weapons of Fate and Advanced Warfighter 2. Let's check Wikipedia and see whatever happened to these cocksuckers.

Fate: Bankrupt


Graphics: Literally the moment I installed this game I knew it would look and play like a pile of dog shit. You may be asking? HOW SUISLIDE? HOW ARE YOU SO AWESOME AND COOL THAT YOU KNOW THAT? WHY IS YOUR COCK SO BIG? Because I've played so many fucking bad games I can tell simply by looking at one screenshot whether a game will suck dick or not. Well, I should have done that in this case because now I have to tell you about how much it sucks ass. First of the graphics are LAME. All the models are complete shit in this game, they are boring uninspired fecal matter. The enemies consist of such awesome design as floating balls and guys with legs in a white suit that look like they were ripped from Half-Life 2. Your character looks like a bulky ass human with a retarded bionic arm with a grappling hook in it. Where the FUCK does that arm store the grappling hook? The game uses abunch of pixel shaders and bump mapping trying to make up for it's awful graphics but it doesn't matter. You can't polish a turd. The textures in this game are utter shit. Also, there is a bunch of graphical problems like clipping issues with the character. Nothing fucking draws me into the gaming experience like when the characters legs clip through a wall! Fucking aweful design. There is no environments in this game, there is just AN environment which consists of a shitty fucking crumpled linear city where you can only follow path. There is fucking nothing else. Shit graphics.

Sound: Ok wow, Now I like Mike Patton but this was some terrible voice acting. They call him the man of a thousand voices but this voice was fucking aweful. The main voice actor sounds like a cross between a guy masturbating really hard and someone fucking a clown. Seriously, it sounds like Mike Patton is putting a vice clamp on his dick trying to force the words out. It probably doesn't help the dialog is worse than the lyrics for these new Metallica songs. Maybe he was trying to force out these awesome lines as, "I'm a Bionic Commando" That sounds so utterally retarded that I'm going to shoot myself. The rest of the dialog and voice acting is even ten steps down from that and it really makes you question how bad this game can go. The gun shots sounds like they fizzle out more than a pornstar after a day of work. As a side note, music is generic background noise.

Gameplay: First thing is first, I have to mention the COMPLETE SHIT AI in this game. Either it's fucking broken or it's literally just the worse AI ever. All the enemies you face LITERALLY just stand there and shoot at you. Even big fucking robots with shields don't do anything but stare at you with a fucking shield. So the game is all the super faggy BIONIC ARM. Yeah, that's real fucking cool, a bionic arm. It features such cool things as a grappling hook! And that's it. The arm is a stupid fucking grappling hook on your arm. You swing around the city to get around fast, although you lose all your fucking momentum every two seconds. You can use it in combat too to pull people towards you, or electrocute them with your faggy arm powers. You can shoot people as well but all the guns suck dick, are useless, and there is never enough fucking ammo for them. All the levels are linear as fuck because even though it looks like a big sandbox city, YOU CANT FUCKING GO ANYWHERE. This is stupid blue radiation that makes your arm go all wacky. How fucking retarded. ITS A MACHINE, RADIATION DOESN'T MATTER! How about the human parts of his body can't fucking take it? GREAT EXPLANATION DUMBASSES. I Just made you all look like fucking fools. The gameplay in this game is TURD.

Story: I beat this game and I don't have any fucking idea what the fuck is going on. The story is basically stolen from Escape from New York. You are in jail, someone takes you out of jail, gives your fag arm back, and then you all the sudden want to get revenge and have to go in and get something from this bombed out city. WAY TO JACK THE FUCKING STORY. Seriously, John Carpenter sucks dick too and you stole a story from him? He only has made one good movie (The Thing) and you are going to rip stories? Fucking come up with your own shit. You just got fucking busted.

This game is going to grapple itself straight to the fucking dumpster 1/10

This article comes from Video Games Suck

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