Date: Sunday, August 30 @ 14:53:31 EDT
Topic: FPS reviews

So everyone remembers Wolfestein 3D because it fucking kicked Nazi ass back in the day. Then we got RTCW which continued the ass kicking but with Enemy Territory, some of the best multiplayer...Then Raven Software decides to deliver this game...This game fucking sucks the underside of my asshole. I would rather be tied to a table and have someone drip liquid shit into my mouth for 10 years then ever have to play this fucking game ever again. This game is more than insult to the wolfenstein franchise...it's insult to the intelligence of humanity.

Graphics: So this game is using IDTech4 which is basically the Doom 3 engine. Of course, they upgraded it and made it more current with today's technology. The only problem is the fucking game actually looks worse than Doom 3 (which came out 5 years ago now). Seriously one of the main things of Doom 3 was the fucking lighting everywhere was super awesome. However, they managed to get rid of that in this fucking game. The lighting in this game SUCKS MY MOTHER FUCKING DICK. Seriously, there is like no shadows, you get a couple of glowy blue orbs every now and again but then everything is just bright and apparent...no lighting effects going on what so ever. Of course when you use your stupid veil powers it changes the color of everything to big a fucking pile of green with red enemies. WOW COOL EFFECTS. Yeah maybe if I was in 2003 that might have been impressive. All the textures in this game are lower than low-resolution. They are all a fucking blurry mess and they are all BROWN. It's like the game, through the textures, was trying to tell you it was a fucking turd. So far we have a shit ton of brown, and abunch of green. It's like Quake 1 and 2 being injected into my eyeballs. Use a fucking color palette dammit. Then we go to the models, they are boxy, and look like fucking clay. There is also like 3 allied side models so everyone you see looks exactly the same. I swear to fucking god I saw this same asshole in a leather jacket like 500 million times. Then you shoot the same Nazi's over and over...there is no fucking variation what-so-ever. The environments blow ass too. You go to such exotic places as a nazi base, a castle, a nazi base, some streets, a nazi base, some sewers and then another nazi base. Seriously, you feel like you are fucking walking through the same places. Not to mention, the main level is a hub so you ARE walking by the same fucking places a million times. Let's not mention the FOV in this game is like 60 degrees so it fucking feels like I have tunnel vision the entire fucking game. Seriously, consoles fucking cause this RETARDED fields of view. I have a widescreen monitor that means the FOV should be 90 to 100 degrees. There is fucking thing called PERIPHERAL VISION. Fucking retards. The environments suck, models are all low-poly low res, graphics in this game are just fucking horrid in general. Let's get with the fucking times Raven, Quake 4 looked better than this and you guys made that like fucking 4 years ago.

Sound: Could this game take the crown for the most fucking boring script ever? I THINK IT CAN! Basically, whenever someone talks in this game, they say the most BORING SHIT in existence. Seriously who wrote the script for this game? I hope they get fucking raped. Every time someone talks they say stuff about the mission or boring stuff about Nazi's but it's just so lame that I fucking put a gun in mouth and ALMOST pulled the trigger. Then it made me realize, I've heard worse...but seriously this voice acting and script sucks. There is NOT a single memorable character in this game...there are people just there...just to advance the game. God damn, such a terrible script. The music in this game is boring and uninspired and lastly the weapon sounds and everything else is just completely average.

Gameplay: Ok, first of all the controls in this game are FUCKED. There is some fucking bullshit mouse acceleration going on so that you can only change the sensitivity looking left and right, but up and down is whatever the game defaults to. THANKS CONSOLES FOR RUINING ANOTHER FUCKING GAME! Who the fuck decides to put that fucking shit in? YEAH, I wan't to fucking have to throw my mouse across the fucking room just so I can look up 2 inches. It's such a fucking dumb feature that someone needs to be stabbed in the throat for thinking of it. WHAT FUCKING GOOD DOES IT SERVE? It doesn't fucking help anything and just pisses people off. You guys are so fucking stupid. Stop fucking ruining video games with retarded features. So anyways, this game consists of a main hub level, where you go around and get your mission and then go to areas to do the mission. The hub level is open and let's you do what you want but there is nothing to fucking do there except finger your ass or get a mission. Then each mission consists of running around and shooting abunch of Nazi's in the most linear of experiences. No way to get lost in this game because you can only fucking go one direction the whole time! The levels are honestly designed like utter shit. The gameplay is fucking lame as my ball sack. You get some guns and some magical fairy powers and go around and shoot the dumbest people alive. Seriously, the AI is so bad in this game the nazi's pretty much walk right up to your gun, put their mouth and the barrel and then pull the trigger themselves. They fucking run at me in straight lines as I mow them down. Then of course any time they take cover, their head is sticking out! WOW! They must be the smartest people alive. So you also get gay fairy powers where you can do more damage, or slow down time, or run a bit faster. CREATIVE. No, it's not. It adds some uniqueness to the gameplay but it's such a generic feature and the game is easy as shit. There is of course some super soldiers and other special enemies you fight too, which require your veil powers to know where to shoot, or to see an invisible knife stabbing guy. It really doesn't matter though because you just get the fucking tesla gun and it automatically kills everyone around you. There is an OK selection of weapons, you basically get a Kar98K, STG, MP32, Rocket Launcher, Pulse Gun, Tesla Gun, and then some black hole launcher. Most of them are fucking useless and the tesla gun is the best gun in the game as you just run around electrocuting everyone while they are stunned. You also collect bullshit money from BAGS and BARS of gold just fucking magically laying around. Yeah that happened in world war 2, oops I dropped my bag of money! Hopefully someone doesn't find it. So you can upgrade your weapons and magical powers to become more powerful. That's pretty much the entire game right there. You just run around, shoot the dumbest fucking AI in existence and then fight some bosses. Oh man the boss fights are the fucking easiest thing EVER. You basically just shoot at them, then have to destroy an object that let's them recharge. EVERYTIME. The same fucking thing happens...it's such an easy game and it's only 5 fucking boring hours long. Seriously It's so boring you just run and shoot with horrible controls and a bad FOV in the most linear levels with the worst graphics ever and then every now and again you may use some gay fairy powers.

Story: So you once again play BJ Blowmydick and have to go on a mission to get this magical gay veil thing. So you go to some town, and people give you missions, you get the item, fight some bosses and then leave. That's the fucking story, it's absolutely boring and there is NOTHING to it. You just go do it, NOTHING interesting happens, and then you get it and leave. It's told through the most convoluted scenes of dialog and shitty looking cutscenes. Learn to write a story because this game doesn't even have one. There is no plot development, no character development. NOTHING. It's just a series of boring tasks.

This game is the biggest insult to Wolfestein ever 5/10

This article comes from Video Games Suck

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