Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Date: Wednesday, August 19 @ 11:38:39 EDT
Topic: Adventure Game Reviews
OMG! I think i just had my first gay experience!
Offcourse i just got the demo, i would never be able to look on the eyes of my family and friends if they knew i bought this game.
In fact i can't believe they sell these things for kids.
Hereīs the kind of game everyone with a brain knows that it suckīs, but since im a giver, i decided to bring to the experience the reason behind the common sense.
Okay, i would like to start with "Way to go ea!"
Thatīs the most bugguish piece of crap ive seen in years and thatīs comming from a guy who just played "Crime Life" (The freeware gta clone)
Don't get me wrong, "Crime life" sucks as much as it sounds,
But itīs not as bad considering it was made by a guy on his free time and not by a "game studio" that actually got money to do it!
Now, getting back on the deal, why do Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets sucks so much? (stupid question)
Stop for a second, and set yourself on a gay version of gunz online castle level, surrounded by low resolution textures everywhere,
everything clips through everything, the statues, tables and even walls and columns sometimes.
The statues and pictures are from some blond guy, wich by the way, has to be some kind of conspiracy to make our kids gay.
I couldn't find any girl washing cars or pole dancers on the tutorial level wich kinda proves my theory, unless those will come out on the full release.
Until i see something like that i will hold on to my comment, i mean, just because kids will play it doesn't means it has to boring or just have guys around.
And for some reason, maybe my computer has limited support to gayness, the alpha channels weren't working on Harry Fag glasses.
So it looked someway like those '50s-era dorky 3d glasses.
The shadows, offcourse weren't real time shadows, they where simple polygons under the character and enemies, that would be ok for a game like that,
but they seemed to be glowing and you could actually see the polygon under the faggots.
The enemies are as gay as expected, there was a kind of snail that leaves a tail of burning crap and a farting turtle.
There was also a kind of fag ghost that floats around but im not entirely sure if thatīs a enemy, i was too amazedscared by all the polygon clipping
What can i say, im just a emotional man sometimes.
Itīs really generic, the usual go ahead click and jump stuff.
But even if you donīt jump, if you keep going straight to a hole Mr. Pot will still grab in the other end of the hole.
The gameplay just makes my head hurt and im pretty sure i just shortened my life by playing this game.
Okay, the thing gets really gay now.
Thereīs this guy that keeps telling you what to do, knowing Ea's i would say he is amexican but he kinda sounds like a damn english with french accent.
And Harry Smoke a Pot does really little talking but its repetitive as hell.
If you climb something he does a grune like he's having his prostate checked and as you might expect,
the good folks at Ea haven't even bothered about recording two different sounds for that.
So if you are climbing repetitive steps, the same sound keeps going over and over again until your ear start bleeding.
And, another amazing feature is that your hero also keeps saying stuff when you use his magical spells,
my head was hurting a lot so i can't be exact but im pretty sure i heard something like:
"hitler-sender or hit-a-sentra" "sponge-bob or spongefy" and maybe something about "Guadalarara"
The music is annoying and repetitive as hell, i even think i blocked it out but it just sounds like if it where the same loop over and over again.
Since i just had the demo all i could do was the tutorial level but i can tell the whole story.
Thereīs this boy that does some stuff and sounds like a girl then you uninstall the game and everyone lives happily thereafter.
Score?!.. This game fails at everything, it has to be buried on a catacomb for a thousand years so MAYBE could get some historical value.
This case is closed for me.