Gears of War 2
Date: Tuesday, July 21 @ 19:54:48 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews

This is such a stupid game!

Fuck this game. It's a piece of shit. It's almost as overrated as Halo. It's the worst piece of shit ever. How this game garnered such favourable reviews is nothing short of a mystery. I can not stress how gay this game is. It's so bad, it makes you want to put the controller down around every corner.

Graphics: Meh, they're OK. Nothing special. Texture pop ins do happen, and at times they stretch the concept of acceptable flaws to the limit. At one point my character had zero armour on him. He just looked like an amorphous blob. And the game screams Unreal Engine. They got creative with some of the character animations, and I'll give them that. For example the bosses are all larger than life, and there is this one big ass worm thing that's like a mile long. But the environments aren't that great.

Sound: The sound is pretty atrocious, I won't lie to you. There is one scene where there is a helicopter flying over head and they don't even bother putting in the sound effects for it. The dialogue is pretty shit too. The music is good though, and it kicks in when the action picks up. But anyways, lets get to the part of the game that really sucked balls.

Gameplay: There is a scene in the movie 187 where Samuel L. Jackson is cranking the pedals of his bicycle while sitting on his chair. When twists the handle bars to the right, the chair rotates to the right. That's what I feel like when playing this game, however, when I twist my whole body to the left and crank the analog stick, neither my player nor my couch move to the left. Stiff player is a classic symptom of consolitus.The guy just refuses to turn. It took two entire 'mississippis' to do a complete turn (on maximum sensitivity mind you). Then there is the movement issue. The guy has two speeds: 1/16 speed, and full speed (whereby the camera pans down to give you the heroic 'ass shot' angle). At 1/16 speed it takes 45 minutes to get to the ammo crate. At full speed you can run (past the ammo crate) while straying left or right 1 or 2 degrees. It is literally the shittiest idea ever. You can walk so slow that the game is more boring than already dried paint, or you can run in a straight line right into the line of fire. And you can't seamlessly switch between the two. If you stop running (or the idiot level designers made a non linear level and you crashed into a ledge/wall/bush) then it takes another 1 mississippi to get back into run mode. There are a lot of time consuming issues come to think of it. There's one scene where you're under fire and have to get to the machine gun, but it takes for fucking ever because you can't run to it due to the narrow path way. Then there's a cool bolt action sniper rifle, but every time you fire it takes 3 seconds to reload. It's so frustrating when you miss, it seems like an eternity before the gun is ready to use again. And holy fuck, the crosshair is huge! It's like they've done away with aiming completely. The only thing that makes killing guys remotely hard is the fact that the controls are bulky as shit. Here's a rhetorical question: how can developers make controls which are overly sensitive when aiming in the distance, yet incredibly slow when trying to turn the character around? Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a game of Pong trying to get the crosshair to land on the guys head.

Story: I never played the first game so I don't know/care what's going on here. Apparently Zergs have taken over the earth after coming out from underground and humans are getting raped. The humans decide to attack the dudes underground, so you go down there to kick some ass. You have a token rookie with you who acts as the comic relief. Except he's not funny. The other three dudes try to act tough, but fail miserably at it. Oh and one of the guys loses his wife/girlfriend/mom. That's what you get for being such a shitty character. The story is told through boring conversation with some chic on a computer, boring conversations with yourself since no one in your squad gives a fuck about you, or through conveniently placed news paper clippings underground. Yay, another game that expects me to read this crap. Oh and they did this 'choose your own adventure' thing where you can sometimes choose to go left or right. However, both sides suffer from the issues I described in the 'Gameplay' section.

They really need a patch to make this homo walk faster. Epic games is the Uwe Boll of gaming. 3/10

This article comes from Video Games Suck

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