Velvet Assassin
Date: Monday, May 04 @ 23:01:02 EDT
Topic: Action Game Reviews

The only thing that this game has assassinated is my hopes for gaming. Seriously, even the title is fucking garbage...Velvet Assassin? What the hell does that even mean? An Assassin made out of velvet? Fabric Killer. This game is some sort of attempt to be an interesting stealth game but really it makes me wish that fire ants would eat out my brain. This game is a fucking pile of puke on the history of gaming. So here it is, Velvet Assassin, the story of some woman World War 2 assassin who enjoys morphine.

Graphics: These graphics are pure fucking shit. The only words that will come into your brain when playing this game is bland, uninspired, uninterested, fucking feces, and boring. The whole look of this game is just an incredibly boring pile of shit. There are absolutely NO variations in environments. Sometimes you are outside on some linear path walking through some brush or in some shitty German bunker. This game has more brown and gray than Quake 1. Every fucking level is just so horrible designed because it is just a series of brown and gray corridors with some boxes and Germans stuffed in them. They don't even look fucking good. The environments are incredibly empty and undetailed and the models for most shit sucks ass. The only time there are placeables really in this game is adding a car and a barrel in a garage to make it look like a crap shop. That is how fucking pathetic the graphics in this game are. The models all look like fucking ass, especially the explosive barrels. WHY THE FUCK DOES A STEALTH GAME HAVE EXPLOSIVE BARRELS? It is seriously fucking awful. The germans all look like shit and have no variety. I take that back...there are some germans in Uniform and occasionally one will not being wearing a shirt. That's about it. Talk about boring environments, shitty low poly models, gray and brown low resolution textures, and piss poor linear as hell level design pretty much defines the graphics in this game. And seriously, a World War 2 theme? IT"S FUCKING PLAYED OUT...they don't fucking get it do they?

Sound: Awful, the voice acting for the Germans is shit as they just yell the typical phrases you would hear a German say and it's completely boring. The ambient sound is absolutely lacking so everywhere you go will sound incredibly boring and empty. The music is fucking shitty attempt at being a classical score to fit the game. Too bad the classical score just sounds like generic stock classical music with ZERO inspiration to it at all. Seriously you will feel like you have heard this game shit a million times before. The worst part is the narration by the main character. Apparently she narrates parts of the game indirectly like she is telling a story while you are playing. Such as saying things like "It didn't make sense to go in without a gas mask or explosives" Which is basically just the game's way of saying HEY GO GET ITEM A AND B BEFORE YOU CAN GET OVER HERE. This is about as innovative as finding Keys in Doom. The narration is stupid as hell and makes it feel like the character is talking to someone else and takes you out of the game. Not to mention, she is a terrible voice actor.

Gameplay: So this is an attempt at being a stealth assassin game but it fails in that its fucking boring in every aspect. So basically you run around and have to knife Germans when they aren't looking. The best fucking part is you can't attack if one sees you, suddenly your massive assassination ability is fucking rendered completely USELESS by the fact that someone has made eye contact with your body. Worst fucking assassin ever. You can then use your super duper fucking cool MORPHINE MODE! Which turns the main character into a naked chick and allows you to run right up and stab someone. Seriously, Morphine mode? What the fuck is that? So she is going to do some drugs to slow down her heart and can all the sudden kill anyone who sees her? The real fucking morphine mode is her injecting it and then passing in a pile of her own urine and drool. It definitely wouldn't give you any retarded super human abilities. Seriously, the whole concept of it is retarded gay. The AI in this game sucks shit. The Germans will just stand around in random hallways for no reason walking back and forth in the same patterns until you stick a knife into their neck. The AI is seriously fucking lifted from Dues Ex because it seems just like it. They stole AI from a 9 year old game...and if they didn't then it is just fucking pathetic. The enemies have NO BRAIN but to simply pace around corridors carelessly. You can also find other shit around the levels like collectibles to gain XP and level up some assassin skills but in the end it barely makes a difference. This game is boring as shit as every level you just crouch and stab a German in the back every now and again. All you do is wait, crouch walk, stab. That is the whole fucking game right there...YAWN. I've had more fun playing with a box of diarrhea.

Story: You are some woman assassin who ends up the hospital for some reason, but then are telling the events to somsone. I obviously don't know the rest of the story, or else I would gladly spoil it, because this game was literally that bad I couldn't make it to the end. I even cheated and got fucking bored of this turd sammich. The story sucks ass anyways as it didn't even grab my attention in the beginning. They lost me at World War 2 Theme and Woman.

The most boring assassin game you will ever play. 2/10

This is also the only game during the loading screen to have a tip which says "You can jump over obstacles"...WOW SERIOUSLY? FUCKING THANKS FOR THE HINT GUYS! Next thing they will tell me I can move the camera with the mouse, or uninstall the game through add/remove programs.

This article comes from Video Games Suck

The URL for this story is: