Brothers In Arms - Hell's Highway
Date: Friday, October 10 @ 13:33:13 EDT
Topic: FPS reviews
Alright Brothers In Arms - Hell's Highway. I've been waiting for this game to hit since I finished the second in the series BIA - Earned In Blood (Even though the pussies at Ubisoft didn't use any blood in that game).Despite the shitty checkpoint system and lack of blood and StarForce DRM in the previous games I'm hoping for a good time. Well when I loaded this bloated fucking abomination of a movie, er I mean game that took a half hour to install, only one thing comes to mind...
Fucking Ubisoft have done it again. They have published another buggy piece of shit with the worst fucking controls ever!
Gearbox have jumped on the shit stained bandwagon that is the Unreal Engine 3.While most descent studios can do some very cool things with it, Gearbox must have spent more time creating cut scenes than working on the goddamn game play, but that's another story.In typical UnrealEd3 fashion the trick is to use high poly bumpmaps or "Materials" to cover up fucking awful dog shit looking objects.The problem is that gearbox must have flunked Unreal Ed 101 because the textures look pretty bad in a lot of important areas where you'll really notice.For whatever reason there is a lot of shimmering on the edges of objects in UE3 games along with that god awful texture pop and BIA is no different.Something you'll hear a lot on these UE3 games (think MoH Airborne) is that some of them use a "Heavily Modified" version of the Unreal engine.That's just Epics way of saying "You really made a steaming pile of shit with this technology so we don't really want to attach the UE3 name to it with out saying that you dickheads heavily modified the code, you're on your own fuckface!".Also know that this is not a PC game but a console port.This game was made for PS3 and XBox360 owners not for the PC. Previous BIA games were PC only then ported to the console.You can thank the butt slamming homosexual PC pirates for that.In the options menu you have resolution, texture quality, shadow texture quality, shadow detail and V-Sync (that still doesn't work in 99% of UE3 games).No anti-aliasing, no anisotropic filtering, nothing.The one plus that they added are gibs and slow motion gibs. There still is no blood splatter on walls and the slow motion gibs are completely random which kind of sucks.
Well the other BIA games never had the best voice acting or sounds but this game is just an insult to gamers everywhere.First off they reused sounds that were used in the original Call of Duty, some of the weapons and weapon pickup sounds are the same as fucking Call of Duty! Don't they even put any thought into it when purchasing sounds for the game? God forbid you record your own.When you fire weapons they sound cheap with no bass or ummpff to them.Is Gearbox telling me that an MG42 and a B.A.R. have a similar sound as say an MP40 or a Thompson?No fucking way, all they did was reuse the sounds from old games, old as in my grandpa's shriveled, wrinkled balls.That just smacks of laziness and lack of effort. As I said the voice acting is garbage. All throughout the game there is that fake yelling that sounds so out of place in a game about one of the bloodiest wars in history. Anytime you start to take damage your team mates will fake yell "Get down Baker, you're taking fire" and "Baker are you crazy you almost got shot". After an hour this really becomes a thorn in your balls and you just want to quit playing, chuck the DVD out the window and slam a gram of raw heroin in your arm and OD.The German soldiers voice acting is so pathetic that I started laughing when I first heard them talk. Think of the voice you'd hear in a Bugs Bunny cartoon or old episode of the Simpson's when they make fun of Hitler."Diezen jou Amerdican!"
Here is where you just can't overlook the small fuck ups.When you first start the game you have to sit through about 15 minutes of stupid pre-rendered cut scenes about a story that makes no fucking sense.No you can not skip through them either.Then when they finally finish force feeding you the stupid story (which doesn't tell you anything) and you enter actual gameplay you realize that Gearbox have rearranged the fucking controls!They are so bad and so difficult to remember or even reach on a mouse and keyboard that it was at this point that I figured out that this wasn't even a goddamn PC game but a fucking awful console port! They must have thought that by rearranging the controls they were being innovative, I don't know.They kept the same stupid 1995 checkpoint system too although this time when you get to a part that's difficult and you die, they just skip you past that part and you respawn after never having to kill any of the enemies that were once there. Also the developers have added an ass backwards console cover system similar to Gears of War.Except they managed to fuck it up even more and most of the time you end up stuck to a wall where your head pops out just enough for the Germans to pick you off.The damage system is retarded and whether or not you hit them in the head or leg damage seems to be totally random.They also decided to do away with any kind of health kits so now you just auto heal like 99.999% of console games, it's total bullshit.There are a lot of clipping issues and more than a few times you will be shot through a wall or some piece of cover.There's nothing like repeatedly dying only to find out that there was a machine gun coming out of a wall somewhere. A wall with a machine gun and 100% accuracy.The team mate AI as well as the German AI is complete and total shit!Often you'll be standing around the back of a building or wall taking cover with your team and one guy will be crouched and running in circles cause someone is standing between him and you and he doesn't know what the fuck to do, so run in small circles right?The German AI is completely predefined. If you see an enemy down your weapon sight you can hold the target on a certain spot and eventually he'll run by that same spot. It really takes the fun out of what could have been a descent game.In typical Gears of War fashion if you hit the run key (Space Bar? Really?) you can't run in any direction but a straight line or maybe a 3 degree angle, just like real life!Also this game is totally 100% linear and not the fun Half-Life 2 style linear.There is one path to take to start or finish missions and one path only.When the whole game depends on flanking an enemy this is unacceptable.Expect a big fucking patch for this abortion, like somewhere in the 500MB+ range.
Something about a stupid fucking pistol some fagot received from his father but anyone who uses the gun ends up dead.It's really a stupid plot and is made even more difficult to understand by poor storytelling.I thought the Brothers In Arms games were based on actual events?Nope not anymore, now it's about a haunted 45 cal. pistol that curses whoever uses it.It's lame and by the second cut scene you could give a rats ass about the story cause all you want to do is blow some fascist fucking Germans into a million little bloody chunks.
This game sucks.If you buy it after reading this review, well you're an idiot, prepare to be disappointed.To wrap up this game just think of Medal of Honor Airborne with added gibs, bad controls and no ability to jump.Then throw in a poor story, laughable voice acting and shitty sounding and weak feeling weapons.Sprinkle in a bunch of game breaking bugs, AI and clipping issues and you have yourself one of the most disappointing follow ups to what was a pretty decent series. Thanks Ubisoft you fucking tools! Next time give Gearbox another year to polish their games, though I doubt that would have made a difference. Game review sites on the web are giving this game an average of a 7/10 but we know they're all pussy's and sellouts. This game is garbage and a 5 is being more then generous. Because I actually paid $50 retail for this bloody fetus with down syndrome I give it a 3.5/10.