Date: Wednesday, September 10 @ 00:04:28 EDT
Topic: RTS Reviews

Oh man so after all the hype and excitement Spore is finally released. Well you might as rename this game BORE because its the most shallow fucking experience in gaming one could have since Sim City: Societies. Seriously, this game is the most fucking boring experience EVER. I almost wanted to puke at how it DID NOT live up the hype. Well here it is SPORE! Prepare to take a fucking nap!

Graphics: So the graphics are allright looking in some ways yet they look like complete ass in other ways. The menu's are all fairly well designed and easy to follow, and there is fucking style to this game in abundance but its missing HUGELY in many parts. The first stage, the cell stage, is a top down view and it looks pretty decent here. Plenty of dynamically generated organisms wandering around and it looks pretty damn good, nice characters, nice water effects and decent animations. Then you get to the next phase where you walk on land and the game looks like absolute dog shit. Seriously, theres about 2 or 3 fucking trees populating the environment then just a SHIT TON of brown all over the place. Its like they stop giving a shit and threw the style out of the window. The next three stages however go from looking good looking and piss poor to right in the fucking middle. The Tribal, civilization and space age just look completley average. The planet looks decent from a distance, there is still abunch of stuff populating and the effects for missles, space travel, searching are all still decent enough. The best part is how the camera actually rotates around the planet as if its an actually ball instead of just a flat piece of ground. That atleast keeps it unique. Basically this game shoots cumblobs of averageness in the graphics department. It had the fucking style going but they lost it when they decided to make everything brown and fucking awful looking. This game even runs decent on Intel Extreme Graphics so you know it looks like ass in some areas. Well fucking average graphics aren't a big surprise as they probably want to milk this shit pile to run on every pc in existence.

The animations are NOTHING to write home about at all. We we're fucking promised dynamic animations based on how you designed your creature. Well guess what? That was total BULLSHIT, all the creatures you make walk with pretty much one of two animations, so fuck it! Design it however the fuck you want! It will be exactly the same!

Sound: Again, the sound is good in parts and complete boner sucking in other areas. The voices for the creatures as they go through the stages are pretty funny and have a Sims style to them where its just a spew of jargon (kind of like this website). The music is enjoyable in parts and has that old Sim City 2/3 style to it but again it gets fucking repetitive and boring...basically the music gets to the point where you don't even realize its playing anymore. That pretty much sums it up, all the rest of the sounds are typical smashing and explosion sounds...really nothing special about them. Why can't more games have sound like Call of Duty? Those fucks!

Gameplay: Ok now this is where this shit stinking fucking turd fest really makes you realize that you are wasting your fucking time. It starts off with a cool mini-game to becoming a boring fucking action game, to two shallow lame ass RTS to finally a space stage where you DONT GIVE A FUCKING SHIT anymore about what happens. I'll do this part in sections for each stage of absolute boring shit. Seriously, this game is about as exciting as being on the tv show NEXT.

Cell Stage: Not only is this the shortest part of the game, it's also the best. So basically you use the creature creator and make some sort of stupid ass looking creature and paint him how you like. Then basically you go around, either choose to eat plants, eat meat, or both and this affects the bonuses you get later on in the game. I went carnivore because I'm not a fucking pussy ass vegetarian. PETA can suck my fucking nut suck...animals suck cock. I crush cat heads in my ass. Anyways, back on topic, You basically go around eating and getting bigger and bigger as you gain more and more food which is pretty damn cool looking and its somewhat fun to be eating some tiny insect piece of shit then getting chased by gigantic huge thing. I don't know if you can die because it was so fucking easy that never happened. Anyways, this is the funnest part of the game but it lasts about a whole 30 minutes.

Creature Stage: Next you go back to the creature editor and design your super awesome fucking fun tacular creature! Remember, how it was support to have unique stats based on how you designed it? Well it fucking doesn't...you just spend food and can put whatever the fuck you want on it but it doesn't make a difference because the stats are just based on what shitty fucking pieces you can buy. Basically this stage you go around an AWFUL looking world and either eat shit, or befriend it and thats it. You just spam the same stupid attack buttons over and over ITS SO FUCKING BORING. Will Wright was obviously aiming this game not even at the masses but at fetuses because only they would find this entertaining. Honestly, its just some shallow action games with bad animations and poor controls. It also lasts about 30 mintues but its just so fucking horrid.

Tribal Stage: Now the game goes from being an awful action game to a super shallow boring RTS. So now you go to the creature creator and throw some stupid looking armor shit on him which affects their gathering and attack stats and shit. Basically you do the same fucking shit...befriend a tribe or destroy. Once again I DESTROY because Im not a fucking pussy and I crush those beneath my iron boot. So basically you gather food and as you reach certain points you can have more people with you to attack. You can also get different weapons based on some stupid shitty huts that you can only place in pre-positioned spots. Honestly, it was so fucking lame...I did this part in another EASY ASS 30 minutes. It took absolutely no effort at all.

Civilization Stage: Here we are...OH WAIT...its another fucking BORING RTS. This time in the creature creator you design a building to be your town hall. I tried to design the Iron Throne from Baldur's Gate but it fucking didnt look how I wanted at all. You also have to design houses, entertainment and some stupid factory thing for the cities. You then basically go around and either befriend nations or destroy them OH SHIT TALK ABOUT FUCKING REPETITIVE. This time you have multiple cities, collect resources from pre-positioned spots, and build buildings in pre-positioned spots. You also now get your own design tanks, planes and boats...but they all fucking work the same! It doesn't matter...just build abunch of houses and entertainment. The factories are fucking absolutley useless. Once you conquer everyone in this hour of absolute BORE. You go the fucking space age.

Space Age: So here we are the finsfassf........................OH SORRY. I FUCKING FEEL ASLEEP BECAUSE THIS GAME IS MADE FOR A 3 YEAR OLD. So you get some stupid ass missions at first and search some planets. You then get some freedom and it was at this point I uninstalled in the game. Stab my self in the kidneys, and pissed blood all over the disc. I then proceeded to run it over multiple times and accidentally (purposely) hit an old man because it sucks so bad.

Story: The only story in this game is you are a cock sucker for ever buying such a shallow, awful, shitty piece of shit. I'm so fucking angry I bought this TURD. ITS BORING, ITS SHALLOW, ITS LAME. There is NO story either.

Just to show you how awful this game is I present a quote from the creator himself: Will Wright

" We were very focused, if anything, on making a game for more casual players. “Spore” has more depth than, let’s say, “The Sims” did. But we looked at the Metacritic scores for “Sims 2″, which was around 90, and something like “Half-Life“, which was 97, and we decided — quite a while back — that we would rather have the Metacritic and sales of “Sims 2″ than the Metacritic and sales of “Half-Life.” —Will Wright "

Thats right...Will Right has just admitted he rather make a piece of shit that will give him a fat pile of cash than actually make a game people like. FUCK YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Half-Life sold a shit ton, he wants the Sales of Sims 2 so he can sell a billion awful fucking addon that abunch of stupid teenage women buy. God you are scum will wright. This is the same fucking reason we got that piece of shit Sim City Socities which ISNT EVEN A GAME. You just place buildings on a map and NOTHING HAPPENS.

Will Wright you suck the largest man-cock in existence and your games ARE AWFUL 3/10

This article comes from Video Games Suck

The URL for this story is: