Ninja Gaiden 2
Date: Friday, July 18 @ 19:04:55 EDT
Topic: [XBOX 360] Action Game Reviews

Ninja Gaiden 2 is a heartfelt tale of Super Power Rangers Ninja and Gorilla Surgeon, Ryu Hayabusa, as he travels to exotic locations, meets interesting people, and kicks the shit out of them. It is way fucking better than your favorite game.

The Ninja Gaiden series is the modern generations' Contra: A game that will rape your mouth until you like it and then charge you money for it, yet you'll love it too much to care. That wasn't the best analogy in the world, but I guess i'm just a fat lazy nigger. Bite me. Anyway, it seems as if Ninja Gaiden as a series was designed entirely to kick the collective-yet-still-tiny balls of the modern console gamer community, with the unique concept of a game actually requiring skill to beat it.

Also, You may have noticed that other review sites have given NG2 relatively average reviews. You will also, however, notice that these same reviewers gave GTA4 a 10/10 score. This is because other review sites are for faggots. Ninja Gaiden 2 is fucking awesome.

Ninja Gaiden 2, like the retro games it's inspired by, works off the concept of "simple complexity" - while the basic formula of the game sounds easy and maybe even boring, the sheer complexity, difficulty and variations provided when you develop a deeper understanding of the mechanics cause the game to be relentlessly fucking addictive.

As the controls are super-responsive and precise, whenever you fuck up and die like a klansman in New Orleans it's typically your fault - besides the way you shouldn't of been wearing your grand dragon robes, practically every attack in the game (yes, even the multi-rocket soldiers, you noob pansy) can be dodged, blocked, countered or otherwise avoided. However, this applies to your own attacks too.

Fighting, then, typically boils down to having to figure out how to kill each individual enemy - in priority of deadliness - whilst all of them attack you at once and you try not to die instantly while you also try to figure out how to best pull off essence and obliteration techniques and dodge rockets and not get thrown or set on fire whilst also cooking a ham in the oven and conducting high-level UN negotiations with the prime minister of Bongostan. I'd go into more detail about the gameplay but it's too fucking awesome for a review.

A new feature to Ninja Gaiden 2 is the totally minor change to combat that allows you to now CUT THE FUCK OUT OF SOMEBODY'S SHIT - weapon attacks will now slice, smash or rip off various limbs, with the associated massive arterial sprays and screaming. This is awesome. However, since you're fighting enemies which aren't as much of a pussy as you are, they will still attack you after losing half their fucking torso. This is also awesome. A level of strategy is added to the game due to this, however: While de-limbing enemies makes them easier to kill (see below), it also makes them prone to suicidally hand-grenade-hugging you until you all explode like an israeli family. This is fucking awesome.

Another new feature besides the ability to cut peoples' kneecaps off is the "obliteration techniques": After cutting an enemies' arm/leg/head/mom off, you can then choose to kill them instantly in a variety of attacks which generally involve removing the enemies' limbs and organs in alphabetical order and then setting them on fire. While this may sound like the most awesome thing in human history (because it is), it also opens up another element of depth: while obliterations are useful, obliterated enemies drop less essence than ultimate techniqued ones and seem to very rarely drop mana or health essences. This neccesitates killing enemies 'normally' for survival, which decreases the usefulness a good amount when the enemies are constantly trying to find new ways to introduce you to the joys of being fucking dead as shit.

Lastly, Some people have said that the camera in NG2 sucks. This is because they are wrong. Having finished the game on every fucking difficulty, I can safely say that I have died under zero times from the camera in NG2. However, you do need to manually control the camera for it to be good; chances are if it sucks, so do you.

Many dumb retarded dumbasses have complained that the graphics on Ninja Gaiden 2 aren't 'up to the standard' established by the series, as evidently it's perfectly statistically plausible to base graphical trends for a whole series off a single game. Nonetheless, from my 27 hour a day study I have found that NG2's graphics are shitty by "next-gen" standards if you consider the following to be contributive to "good" graphics:

  • Having a "realistic" brown filter. [Actually, just make that "everything being brown"]

  • Everything looking like it's covered in plastic wrap

  • Drowning the whole game in ten gallons of Bloom lighting diarrhaea

Overall, the graphics seem alright to me, though a few rare parts in the game do look a little rugged.

In general, the sounds in NG2 are pretty well done, but special note should go to the obliteration effects: there is a certain sociopathic joy to be taken when you perform a blunt weapon obliteration technique, which causes enemies' heads and limbs to be literally smashed right off their torso and is accomodated by the same kind of sound you hear when your crotch gets stomped on by an elephant. That wasn't the best time in my life and I prefer to think it didn't happen, incidently.

The music in the game is generally pretty good, too. However, if you try to take time to listen to it, you'll get fucking killed like a pussy, because Ninja Gaiden 2 fucking hates you even more than your stepfather and won't stand for your audiophile faggotry. Awesome.

Unlike other, shitter game developers, Team Ninja realized the important fact that nobody who doesn't have the internet nickname "sephirothcloud666blindspott" cares about stories in games, and furthermore, that stories are usually put in games to distract players from the way that the gameplay is fucking horrible.

Taking this in mind, they fed an 8-year old boy with chronic ADHD a year's supply of mountain dew and made him watch reruns of Power Rangers and told him to write a story involving only the most important and mature features in a good story: ninjas, karate, explosions, and tight leather pants. This would become NG2's storyline. In other words: the story is fucking awesome.

So, does Ninja Gaiden 2 win the coveted "doesn't suck" award? No, but that's primarily because I invented the award one sentance ago. In general, while the game is at least twice as awesome as dying from AIDS, it [NG2, not AIDS] just isn't really difficult enough if you're awesome at it (eg, not you), with 'comfortable' difficulty sitting somewhere between mentor and master ninja difficulties. This is a bad thing since we all know any game which you can actually play for more than 3 seconds on the easiest difficulty without dying horribly is irredeemable shit.

That said, of course, it won't stop roughly 107% of the general console community being unable to beat it on Acolyte, giving up on the first genshin fight and going back to play GTA4 or another similarly retarded game.

Overall I give it a 9/10. This is a historic event, as not since my blindingly sarcastic Quake 4 review have I actually given a game a positive score. Well, not since quake 4 have I given a score that isn't "Mexico / 10", but Suislide always makes me to use a numerical value for a game rating anyway. Sometimes he uses lubricant.

This article comes from Video Games Suck

The URL for this story is: