Grand Theft Auto IV
Date: Friday, May 02 @ 22:43:25 EDT
Topic: [XBOX 360] Action Game Reviews
HOLY FUCKING MICROWAVED BABIES this game fucking rocks! this new gta takes you back to liberty city to kick ass as the one and only niko bellic. this game stomps so much colon, that you'll save $$$ on halloween when it picks apart your candy ass.
GAMEPLAY: the new gameplay almost makes IV feel like an entirely different series. if youre used to how san andreas, vice city, etc. played, it'll take you a while to get used to how GTA4 plays. at first you'll probably be like "this game fucking sucks" but if you don't get the hang of it after 15 minutes then you're probably a cocksmoking faggot who shouldn't own a 360 (dont get the PS3 version or i'll cut your balls off). anyways, onto the gameplay. theres too many new features to list here because the game is so in-depth, even the tiniest things are detailed, such as pedestrians talking on cellphones, gangsta niggaz gettin chased by da poh-leese, and even homeless motherfuckers bothering you to spare some chaaaaaaaaange. niko can evern run over old ladies, back up, get out, take a dump on their good clothes, get back in the car, and then PEEL OUT ON THEIR FACE )$#(%#$%#@ HOLY SHIT! outside of missions you can do so much shit like go get drunk at a bar, throw darts, go bowling, shoot some boring-ass pool, go to a titty bar, and even see a fucking comedy show in a theater! theres even an internet in the game and niko's stupid cousin sets niko up on myspace and set his orientation as 'gay' so he can meet up with a gay dude who he happens to have to kill. how fucking ingenious is that?! everything is 10 times more realistic and not over-the-top cartoonish like the last couple of GTAs. theres no more tanks or national guard coming after you after you destroy 5390 cars with a laser guided pocket sized rocket launcher with infinite ammo, and the cops are easier to shake this time around too. its fun to act like a nigger running from the cops and jumping over fences and shit just like the show Cops. the cars sound more realistic and handle realistically too so when you crash into a wall it'll look like the fucking dale earnhardt crash all over again, even your body will fly through the windshield! all in all, the gameplay is very different but its alot more fun and theres so much new shit that i can't say it all so go see it for yourself you lazy ass.
GRAPHICS: holy fucking shit. theres no way to describe how sexy this game looks. half the fun of the ame is just roaming around the city and admiring the genius design that the underpaid designers of this game did. when you go really fast on the road theres a motion blur and its the most realistic thing ever. i think its safe to say that the graphics ALMOST gave Gabe Newell a woody, but goddammit he was close to getting one from them. theres a new physics engine so when you jump off a bulding it looks like the 9/11 jumpers and youll hear a SPLAT! when you hit the pavement. and the character models are brilliant and dont look like they wiped their ass with their hands since they actually have FINGERS now! if youre a loser then you'll probably enjoy the titty bars when you go and ask for a private dance so you can whack it to video game girls, you creepy fuck. overall the graphics just fucking rock.
STORY: before the game came out i thought this was gong to be some boring-ass shit because protagonist didnt seem too interesting. the story follows niko bellic, an illegal russian who sneaks into the country like a spic out in mexico and believes his cousin Roman's bullshit about how Roman has 40 corvettes, lives in a 40 story mansion, is fucking 40 women, and has a 40 foot dick. we all know that roman has a two-incher. roman turns out to be a loser and niko gets pissed and hes a greedy bastard and ALWAYS talks about how he needs money. his profile on the dating website in the game says that he's a vulnerable man who needs to be held by a man with big, strong arms, what a queer. but nikos pretty likeable and is a Red Army badass, he tells stories about how he was in the war and he shot retarded people in wheelchairs and took a shit on a baby while firing a minigun with one hand and jerking off with the other. the story has many turns and twists but i wont spoil anything because im a saint. you're fucking welcome.
SOUND: probably the only and ONLY downside to this game is its shitty dickass radio stations. shitty reggae? russian techno? SNORE. i liked the radio stations better when they were called v-rock and k-dst and radio los santos and played good songs that more than 3 people in the world have actually heard of. there are some funny radio commercials in there too. the rest of the game's sound is so damn lifelike, all the way down to how niko rapes the ear of the guy he just killed. the pedestrians will say some funny shit too and when i walked into a burger shot there was a fat black kid behind the cashier and he said "welcome ta burga shot muthafuckaaaaaaa" i laughed so hard that i shit myself.
in conclusion, go buy this fucking game. or steal it 9.998/10